FINAl FANTASY XI - Level Up

The day before yesterday... I reached level 70 in Final Fantasy XI! I could never have done it without any of the help from my brother nor without SquareEnix's new level sync feature <(^^)> Thank you so much SquareEnix for caring so much about us casual players! I got invited to join a level 70+ Summoner exclusive linkshell and everything! I'm excited because this opens up the rest of the game that Katun couldn't go to before without the help of someone level 75 (the maximum level attainable). Anyways, go Final Fantasy XI! Time to battle new battles and reach new heights!

Once in a Lifetime

One of my life goals has been checked off now because of one magnificent night. Thank you everyone! It was amazing.

And in memory of that night...

I love you

When you look into my face
and tell me with tearless eyes
that you want be closer to me
then why, why I say
why cut off my right arm
and say with a smile
"I love you."
and expect me to smile back
with tearless eyes.

Match Maker's Minuet

Selfishly you only think of your life,
Yet I still bend down and give you a hand,
But why should I give you a decent wife,
If you cannot give me a decent man?
Though games you play with women I send you,
They move away so you can have your fill,
No never will I try to match you true,
Only one chance for love can you be billed.
And still you ask for one more chance from me,
While cursing every moment you had her,
Have you not thought of what this does to she,
The one you said that could last forever.
One chance you had to break a loving heart,
And now you'll go on living by my art.

Search Results for; Kyle Spaltholz

Today I decided to search myself on the Google blog search engine. I only got two results. I'll let the results speak for themselves.

the adventures of the amazons of pr'o ut jungle: episode i
15 Mar 2006 by VonEvil will do...
lastly are kyle spaltholz and dave johnson, doledi.” sasha took a moment to absorb the information before inquiring, “doledi?” dave responded, “yes, it’s the term used to refer to the follower of dole and a user of dole energy. ...
SNAP - http://snipetysnap.blogspot.com/
[ More results from SNAP ]

fuck you kyle.
14 Nov 2005 by Dylan
this is an entry dedicated to the cursing of one kyle spaltholz. this conversation is unabridged and unaltered, copied and pasted directly from my chat logs. this is me venting because kyle is acting retarded. ...
Dylan, quite the ladies man... - http://akaitokage.livejournal.com/
[ More results from Dylan, quite the ladies man... ]

Sadly, and accurate description of my past in two search engine results. The good news is that I know where the first result comes from and the "fuck you kyle" post was unreadable! ...but 3 years ago... who's to say it wasn't?

A l o n e

Finally, I am alone. I don't mean that thankfully as in I want to be alone. I just find the hours alone to myself enjoyable now and again. Lately, I've been a social whore compared to what I'm use to being. The internet is something of a useful tool now and again instead of a daily utility of entertainment that it use to be. I'm working on school more and more as my education career moves from student to teacher (in fact, tomorrow I am taking the PRAXIS exam... a SAT for teachers to show that I'm not a completely incompitent person on some basic level). It is exciting to think of being out of school with so much to look foward to. I'm in a relationship that I could never have imagined ever being in even just two short (and extremely long) years ago. Work is easier than easy and I work less and less with six classes approaching the next three semesters and four during this summer. The impact on my wallet isn't as bad as it could be. I can still barely afford presents for my close family (just bought a gift for my brother's birthday which just came in the mail about 3 weeks late due to shipping from China) and still save money for next semester's books and car insurance (hopefully during the breaks I will work enough to save enough for both...). My ever eventful social life is as dynamic as ever. I recently connected with some old friends, all of which promptly blew me off. Other friends from my past can't seem to be happy with me for whatever dramatic reason (It always seems like someone is mad at Kyle...). Newer friends are better than ever, being more support for me than they could ever imagine and helping me through one of the toughest challenges I will ever face without doing anything but being themselves. I keep a written journal (I admit I've been slacking... but one sentence lines every week work right?) and I've been keeping a much more developed writting tablet. My classes are more difficult than ever, yet are steadily getting easier as the semester progresses (prehaps with the approaching holiday). After getting over every illness that this university can throw at me, my body is now suffering from poor eating habits (candy, soda, candy, and an occasional water bottle) which I've never been driven to before. I do run to class frequently more for the exersize than the tardiness. It feels good to burn complex carbs every once and a while. Music is fading in and out now and again with my busy schedule and busy schedule. I recently enjoy listening to a few songs on the radio such as "Hot 'n Cold" and "Let It Rock". One of my friends told me "Hot 'n Cold" reminded them of me... which I can't deny. I've been all over the place these past few months juggling the troubles of life. On top of everything we are planning a trip to Anime Boston '09! It will be our third trip to the convention ever, but every time is a unique experience. Especially since we have a great group of people. Unfortunately, my ticket rides on boyfriend-girlfriend drama that I happen to have gotten stucked into (my own fault nonetheless) but unless that solves itself soon... it looks like I won't be going. I actually wouldn't mind saving the 400+ dollars on the weekend adventure, but I wouldn't like to invest that money in a trip I'm not going on. In any case, we will find out soon enough if I really will make it to Anime Boston as Ovan (.hack//GU, it took a while to decide but I think Ovan would be something that is flashy and epic enough that no one can miss me in a crowd... especially with a cannon thing on my arm). My RIC friends are going to be going all out on their costumes and so would I. Other things that have invaded my life include a new obsession with the game "Magic the Gathering", an extremely addicting card game known for it's amazing artwork and dynamic gameplay, the abandonment of most online games with little game time into FFXI (my personal favorite), an addiction to NOT reading the course texts until after the test and enjoying them beyond words, rereading the old fantasy series "The Lost Years of Merlin" in my spare time between class as well as playing "Pheonix Wright - Ace Attorney" (only one word I can say about that game: OBJECTION!) My skills at saving computers and pirating anything my heart desires has become a pastime of mine. My 1 terabyte hard drive is helping me not only backup everything that I own... no, everything on anyone's computer I want. At some point during the economic crisis I began watching CNN daily between 9-11PM while reading Google news (getting my daily depressing dose of reality). I stopped abruptly when two things happened: I realized that CNN was poisoning all the happy things around me and when I finally heard someone declare our economic recession that we supposedly were going to stop ... somehow ... without recessing. In any case, I've returned to the empty entertainment of Futurama (or you may say recently discovered) and the occasional Sarah Silverman (only 15 minutes at a time... then I switch over to CNN). I haven't seen much of my family in Illinois in over a year now and it is beginning to bother me. And yet, I know too well what I have done and what I deserve and what I will recieve from them from now on no matter what words they offer (actions are louder than words). So here I sit, typing my train of thought into my blog... alone in a dirty room listening to a randomized list of all the music I've stolen or taken from people with thier permission. The amazing amount of music out there is amazing, and yet no one ever understood why I enjoyed everything there was. Most people enjoy a few types of music. I enjoy them all. Yes, I'll admit from the inner part of my soul that somewhere even Bluegrass touches me at that certain time and place once every great while or so. I don't know what I'm doing here. I should be sleeping. Then I would be alone. In the dark. Staring at the ceiling. Listening to the generator outside hum a noise that makes the night pass soundly. It almost sounds like the engine of a great ship, driving my sleep deeper and deeper until suddenly I awaken to the sound of my phone vibrating like a hampster waking up in the middle of the night to run his squeaking wheel. I don't have class early on Mondays, Wednesdays, or Fridays... but those Tuesdays and Thursdays are the most terrible days. Actually I should get use to waking up in the morning nice and early. As a high school teacher, that would be my daily rutine. I really hope that somehow I can handle high school long enough to be a permanent asset to some educational development. Why English of all the options? Because I love books, literature, poems, stories. I beat I could tell you a story you've never heard of before without any preparation (alright, maybe 5 minutes to think of a good starting point). I could definately survive at least 500 Arabian Nights. I've never tried. My toes are cold at the moment if you were wondering. I don't know if it is the music or my sitting position. I never sit properly. I am always lifting a leg awkwardly or crouching on the chair (ever seen a picture of "L" from deathnote? Yeah, something not as dramatic as that but close). My fingers are cold too, despite the typing. I should get some clothes on and get into bed. Yes, get clothes on. I'm naked. I'm alone, in my room, typing this post, completely naked. Well, I've got glasses on... but I can't see anything without them. I wonder if my movie finished downloading. I'm too lazy or tired or something to check. I'll just get the blanket off the floor and go to bed. Damn. Text from a group member. A project. Due soon. Don't want to do it. Can't meet group because of the test tomorrow. I'll get the info later. For now, I'll get to bed. I'm tired now. I am going to sleep.

The Nugatory Tales (part 2)

Amongst us, the bold few,
Who adventured from the sea,
Whine a glorious tune,
That makes the buzzards sing,
Of the purifying waters,
And the fierce tides,
That can manifest change,

Where we were born,
the god of devastation,
the deep, endless ocean.
Where is it?

Amongst the company of youth,
One did know the way,
He often rested by the sea,
Listening to the soothing sound,
Of the sadistic crests,
Cleaning away the marks,
Carved into the sand dunes,

"Who wants to go,
to the sea,
and clean ourselves,
of impurity?"

Only ten agreed to go,
These pupils now knowing,
Ready to journey out,
And best the world,
By their own experiences,
Of trial and tribulation,
That are nugatory.

What can they teach,
when all they know,
is that naive query;
What is love?

The Nugatory Tales

The end of many things.
Of a cold, terrible winter
and the bitter, budding sprouts
from the trees, into leaves
leaving a fine, lurid dust
that poison which floods
away in May, clean in June

When green and blue roar,
like a lioness pride,
ready for the hunt.
We are ready.

The doors open and we stumble
into our freedom and slavery
unsure of what or whom,
to do or see.
Naive natives out for ourselves
and the lust for adventure
that never seems quenched.

An infinite, white map,
of finite satisfaction,
blotched with black.
Where do we go?

Moleskin Endeavors

Once again, more time on paper than computer for me recently. I'll post some stuff I started recently. "Outside" was from the moleskin too so maybe I should just photo copy my whole moleskin and start posting that... hmmm... Nah, too much effort!

Although I have noticed a tendency to being unable to find the words I want to use. I need a thesaurus... but whipping that out during ENG 242 probubly isn't going to get me any points with the professor!

Outside

Outside
the morning shivers
the dusk in a rush
Outside
there is a perfume
mother will not share
Outside
the bat and the rat
my mouth waters
Outside
there is a rustle
an orangutang
Where is it?
Where is it?
Where is it?

Short Assignments...

Self-Portrait:

Oh, blue rose,
what are you hidding?
I can see,
your soft petals,
and thorns,
but the true beauty,
Mystery.
Why have you given,
to hidding,
the desires of,
the heart?
Why have you taken,
to defending,
an innocent life,
but ending,
the potentially,
immature?
But, your petals are,
so white!
Sir, indeed.

Third Post-Post

So I haven't been completely blog-less in the past days since I started school. I have started two posts before this one which remain 'unposted' because they aren't complete yet (I don't know if they ever will be). I wanted to post because I have had this nagging feeling inside of me to post something here and not in my head or my moleskin (which I haven't been writing much in either...).

I've had a lot of trouble with school starting, not getting the classes I had planned all summer for, getting new ones, meeting old friends, dealing with drama, trying to remain social with EVERYONE, doing school work, going to work-work (and not get fired for charging 700$ worth of express cards by accident... whoops...), talking to family, spending time with grandma while mom and dad are away for anniversary, and trying to get sleep.

I'm failing at most (if not all) of these things and need a break where I can organize my thoughts, rest, sleep on some things, and just relax for one day. The last time I did that... feels like ages ago. And it is only Mid-September-ish!

I've been very mad at myself for not having the ability to write creatively recently. I'm going to have to use that relaxation day and dedicate a portion to creatively writing poetry or (what I've been trying to do since forever) create a short story.

The Quiet Night

Ghosts in the Mist

The abandoned theatre was abandoned again. There was no one else to stir the dust on the stage. The ghosts were long gone. Their voices had faded into the shadows and their bodies into a thick mist that covered the room.

Then, out of the mist spun one lonely figure, slowly rotating out of slumber. It is 'She'. 'She' turns to the stage and floats into position. "She" is facing the empty room. Her mouth begins to move, but no voice comes from within.

"She" is no longer existing. "She" is no longer a person. "She" is just being remembered at that very moment. Just remembered. And then as the thought passes from the mind of "They", "She" unwinds back into the mist and fades once again into the subconscious of "They".

//Zoonosis Blame

When the world seems to die around humanity,
Instead of blaming themselves,
They turn to the one they can blame,
Without hearing a voice that fights back.

What weakness they show.

What weakness.



"When the truth is found to be lies
and all the joy within you dies
don't you want somebody to blame
don't you need somebody to blame
wouldn't you love somebody to blame
you better find somebody to blame."

-Jefferson

//Fiction Story Time

Albert awoke with a start. Lying on his stomach he had gotten sand in his mouth, which he assumed had awaken him. Looking over at the charred pile next to him it was clear that Alfred hadn't been doing his job and had fallen asleep again. Albert spat what sand he could from his dry mouth and sat up.
Their camel, Greg, was sleeping with his belly to the stars as he usually did. To anyone else the camel might have looked dead. As Albert began to stand, Greg let out a very large bletch which sent a small shockwave of sand out from beneath his massive body. Greg was an abnormally large camel and let out abnormally large gas bubbles from his insides. Luckily, Albert thought, it was from the front end this time.
Waddling over to the small space where there once was a fire, Albert kept his eyes to the stars. He could clearly see the Snowman shaped pattern Alfred had noticed earlier. Next to it was the rabbit he himself had named "Timothy" and the hedgehog beside that Alfred had named "Todd" (with two d's). Albert looked over at the sleeping pile of rags that was Alfred and smiled.
With one last sigh Albert looked back at the stars and then back down to the pile of ash at his feet. He pondered if it was worth starting the fire again.

Be Adult - Grow Up

I am being responsible aren't I?

A: No, you're not.

I knew that...

A: I know you did.

Really?

A: It's because you know what is wrong and what is right. That is what makes you different from others. You know what you are doing and you know you can change it.

Well then why can't I just be responsible and stop being irresponsible?

A: Because sometimes people just need to learn from their mistakes. It helps them become better people.

Really?

A: I said some people. Don't get any funny ideas.

What funny ideas?

A: You know what I mean.

How could you know?

A: Because I AM you.

(...)

A: And now the silent treatment... (sigh)

Starfish

The horrid starfish,
Ends its life at the sea floor,
When I need it most.

//Comment

This reminds me of a concept I ponder sometimes regarding Alzheimer's disease. I always fear that one day I will awaken to find everything I know to be lost and that I will retreat to an earlier state of mind that I thought I had overcome, only to unrealized those realizations.
Even still, I find when I have conquered my own mind that there was always something I'd overlooked or underlooked that just has this rolling-stone effect in my mind until I stand over the rock and ask it why it's still moving after everything I'd done to it. This isn't to be confused with "over-analysis" or some terrible inability to let anything go that happens in my life, but instead it's something I've encountered that can't escape me.

If I were to develop Alzheimer's disease I would depend on others to help me remember those terrible times and the most wonderful times. I wonder who would be there to help me remember those times. Who would they choose to help me remember? Who would they choose to let me forget? What if there was no one but some volunteer worker trying to spend time with me? What would happen to those memories?

Basically my point to this whole endless typing (which as turned into a post-length comment and I'm sorry about that) is that if I were to develop Alzheimer's disease, wouldn't I have already forgotten what already happened just recently? Wouldn't in some time-paradoxical way I be already be forgetting these moments or this moment?

I suppose Alzheimer's disease would be like living your life one day and the next awakening (X) number of years later forgetting that happened between now and then. I mean I've been around for almost 21 years on Earth and I can't remember everything that happened in that time. Imagine a whole lifetime just blown away! In the end, I really know nothing but common knowledge about Alzheimer's disease and the fact that my mother's side of the family suffers from a history of it. Everything I know is just speculation from the side-lines. This is where Wikipedia and the internet come in handy!

Don't Be Afraid

I wonder what I mean?

Maybe it's because they don't.

Moleskin Fragment - Epitaph to [Ethan]

July 22, 2008

->

That is a tale which stems back to when [Ethan] started his road to asshol-ism... or maybe he always was an asshole and we either chose to ignore it or he did a good job of trying to to be one or a combo of everything [inbetween]. There was always something about [Ethan] I liked. If I had to guess, it would be his willingness to do anything to be social. I think it stems from his childhood and lack of social life until we met him (from what I understand or was told). He was diagnosed with [a] sort of mental disorder at an early age [and from what I gathered it was] because of his constant swearing. I think South Park helped a lot with that. In school [,] I remember first meeting him and befriending him. For whatever reason I would [often] befriend the most insecure people in High School. I always felt that I helped a lot of people grow and develop because of me, but that's that the kind of thinking that gets me into trouble. [Ethan] always made me laugh. We were almost always at par with each other in most video games. I miss him a lot. He really was a great friend sometimes. The last time I saw him was in Staples one day. I was excited at first [because I hadn't seen him for about a year]... then, as if I was an amnesiatic, it slowly dawned on me that we just never talked things out. As I left Staples I realized how much I missed him. But I couldn't go back. Not again.

-> End Moleskin

As I reread the moleskin, I wonder why I didn't spend enough time on those who deserved it.

Moleskin COMPLETE

I finshed my Moleskin. The remaining pages are perferated and can fall out easily so I don't want to write anything important on them. I began my moleskin sometime around Valentine's Day. I don't know exactly when because I didn't keep records of that until later when my writing... or better yet... when I changed. Thank you for this gift that has guided me, for months now, to finding something I'd lost. Myself. I don't say this because I think I completely know myself, because I cannot completely know myself. There will always be a part of me developing, but what I do know is that there are some things you don't change. That is what I believe I have found. I have found it. I have found it. And without you, I couldn't have done it.

Destroyer

I am calling your name.
Why can't you hear me?
Do I even want you now,
Now that you've made it clear
How you feel about me?

What about those days
Standing in the sun
Where we'd just begun?
Have those no meaning too?
Or is this just divination?

I wanted to give you so much
Because the last time I did
Was so long ago.
You are just like the others
Who turn when I kiss their cheek.

Soon I will be cold hearted
And as a Shiva unto me,
My five widowed men won't ever love
The falling leaves
The way I do.

This isn't a dream?

Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly
Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the Beast

Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As the sun will rise

Tale as old as time
Tune as old as song
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong
Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast

Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast

Questions?

The loveless ask us,
Why the Nile flows Northward?
They can't understand.

Oldies

I spent a majority of the night rereading every post I've posted until now. It's odd how many senses are saved within a few short sentences or paragraphs. Reading them has boosted my moral overall and given me the convidence to have a good day (as I was instructed).

RATIONS

When we are outside,
They're are bugs all over me.
Why don't you see them?

In the quiet room.
A note is passed to the boy.
Nothing else is heard?

Three willows are here.
Two willows are unwinding.
Two willows are not.

Frogs in the small lake
Together are making it
Seem like the ocean.

Wombats that don't sleep
Are often the ones that try
To shoot at the hares.

Open Spaces

Inside of the room,
There is a vaccum I feel
When the light goes out.

Origins of the Awakening

As we pass the bear,
I turn to look back at it.
Why are they laughing?

Epitaph of the Ancients - (SEPT/9/2006)

"It was dark. Darker than it had ever been. Infact, it looked like things would never change. Everyone was jumping enemy lines. It was the final straw... or was it? Out of the mist of everything came an abrupt silence as if someone had sucked the sound out of the world. Peace would have been the right word to use, but in the mist of the dead it wouldn't fit. The WDM was heading for him. It was going to be over.

It wasn't right. The fighting wasn't going to end like this I desided. I switched teams and caught the end of the world in my hands. The people watched my selflessness and called it selfishness. For what reason? I was the one who had called it down in the first place... I was the fool... I understood... nothing.

I broke the bullet with my fist and sealed a covenant with him. Should and flag fly high in my presence, the world would end as fortold... and no ideals will change that again.

With this he agreed. An Ally he became to me again. An Enemy to others he remained.

The secrets of his past conflicts riddled my mind. I began to dig further into his past to answer my mind's only question: why?

And so I discovered my own spy was his as well.

She wasn't telling me everything it seemed. Then again, it was expected. Being a sacrifice has its weaknesses. Taking too many falls and you can't save yourself. That would be a course description. I guess she just wanted to see the outcome from the sidelines of the stage. Was it for her own secret wants and needs that she would only filter the information?

I looked at my bleeding hands...

I turned to him...

Was it worth it?"

**Self: Please forgive me for not posting anything in a long while that is new or poetic or something to that affect.**

Final Fantasy XI - A Brief Summary

I remember first hearing about FFXI. FFX had just come out but I could only play it at a friend's house because I didn't own a playstation. I was excited because THIS final fantasy was for the computer, which I did own. Finally, I could play a final fantasy at my own home. Somehow I managed to make a trip to warwick in the early winter to compusa and bought the game. Little did I know how important this game would become to me.

When I installed the game (which took 5 CDs and over an hour) I quickly discovered that I needed to be online to play it. At the time we had AOL dial-up which we basiclly had for free because my parents used an AOL credit card to pay AOL off with the points they recieved for using it. Unfortunatly, my parents did not approve of paying a monthly fee for an online game. I even suggested selling my remaining video games and only playing this one for 12.95 a month using the money I would recieve from my other games. Again they said no. Nevertheless, I would occasionally log into FFXI at night and update the game to the recent patch just incase I could play in the near future for some reason. In the spring my hopes because reality.

The same friend who had owned FFX (and basiclly every other RPG for playstation that was worth playing) had also purchased FFXI and had convinced his mom to credit the monthly charge. All I heard about from him was how great the game was, all the adventures he had, and how great it would be if I could play with him. Sometimes he would let me borrow his account ID and password and let me play on his account when he wasn't playing (which was almost never). After much discussion we decided to make my account charged on his mom's credit card while I paid him the monthly fee to give to his mom. Finally I was able to play.

It took three characters but I finally made my first character that I stuck with for a few months. His name was Kataln. I adventured with him as a white mage (the hardest of the six starting classes to begin with) and loved ever second of it. The world was so vast, so many monsters and challenges, and you met so many people that the game never got boring. I had troubles playing at night though because my mom would wake up late at night and see the ringer off the hook in her room and know I was "online". I got in trouble quite a few times for that.

Before school ended, my friend got in trouble for having two accounts on his mom's credit card and I lost my account. I had just reached lvl 16 white mage and had completely destroyed the entire party by trying out my new higher level cure, causing my death and the rest of the party as well. I never logged in again with that account to bring Kataln back to life.

During the summer I managed to convince my parents to let me play FFXI online over the summer because I had nothing better to do. I had to rebuy FFXI because my friend, in the process of canceling the credit card charge, deleted my account and Kataln. I remember sitting at the computer, creating the account I had now and wondering what I was going to name my character. After about 30 minutes of playing around with names I came up with Katun. He had longer hair than Kataln did and looked more boyish, but I thought that he was awesome. Again I started as white mage and had to work hard to recover the ground I had lost. Luckily, white mage is an important job to have in a party so I got lots of group invites and leveled up quickly.

Around this time my brother started to notice I was spending a lot more time on the computer than usual. He would peek in on my game playing and rat on me if i was playing FFXI when I wasn't suppose to. One day, I decided to let him try it. I only let him play for a little while, but he really wanted to play after that first high I guess. Around this time my friend had abandoned FFXI and didn't want to play anymore. I was hurt by this because I had started playing to play online with him in the first place. I convinced him to give me the account information and transformed it into my brother's account.

As time passed my character grew stronger and my brother, who seemed to play twice as much as I did, caught up to me in no time. WIth me on my laptop and him at the PC the week after christmas, I finally unlocked the hidden job summoner. It was my ultimate goal to recieve this job because this was my favorite of all the jobs in the game. In any final fantasy, summoner is always my favorite. It was difficult to unlock but I managed with the help of my friends Kreos and Sadrith. I had made friends with them while unable to play with my RL friend who stopped playing.

For a long time I was on and off final fantasy after that. Either I didn't have enough time to play, was too stressed with school and drama to play, or it was too hard to progress farther in the game. My brother didn't stop though. He managed to reach my level with 3 different jobs and unlock almost every hidden job in the game. After canceling my subscription 3 times and reactivating it each time, I finally decided to start playing again.

By this time Sadrith and Kreos were WAY beyond my level and I had a hard time playing with them. My brother and I started playing more often together because our levels were closer. While I was on and off the game he had convinced a guy named Fuma that he was a girl and was using him to get all the items and quests he needed finished. It was really funny. At one point they were suppose to be married, but I think it was called off for some reason.

During college Fuma and my brother were fighting and were in an on and off relationship that ended up finally ending with Fuma unable to log into FFXI because his ISP was canceled. Sadrith and Kreos quit the game I think because they are never online anymore. I should search the world for them, but then I think about all those times I searched for my old friend who had made me begin playing the game when I was a newbie. It's times like that when I can say that the fun in this game really comes from playing the person who I can physically see next to me. My brother.

We've fought a lot over the years. A LOT. We've drawn blood on numerous occasions and made 'bad' children look angelic. Somehow though, dispite our differences in music, friends, and lifestyles, we can always sit down together and play FFXI and not fight over simple things. Over the years of us playing together, I think we've acctually grown closer because of FFXI. I don't really know if that's the case or if we've just 'grown up'. Either way, this game is amazing and is only for those who want a life changing experience. As with most Final Fantasy's, this is a game only for hard-core gamers looking for a real challenge. At least that's what I say. You can say otherwise if you want.

Either way, I'll still be logging in with my brother the next chance I get.

Are you dead yet?

After writing to my relatives, I paused before clicking the send button.

I began to wonder:

Will they even care if I'm dead tomorrow?

Scared

Shaking and Uncertain,
I return to the Lost Grounds
Seeking what I thought wasn't there
In hope that
Maybe,
Like before,
I was wrong.

Rant 2

Dear you,
I enjoyed the time we had
And the times we didn't.
I don't regret what could have
Happened
Because right now
I have so much more
Than you could have given me
Or I to you.
Where ever you are
At this time
I hope you have found
What you were looking for.
I don't want you to suffer
Anymore
On your road to
Find yourself.
In my experience, the suffering ends
When you decide to
Look at yourself from the outside in
Rather than the inside out.
And, although my words may
Fall on deaf ears,
I offer you a moment of silence
So that you may listen to
Yourself.

Rant 1

To all of those who can hear me,
If you still can that is,
To all of those who hurt me
I tell you now I am grateful
Of that suffering.
It isn't because it wasn't painful,
It isn't because it wasn't worthwhile,
It's because it was nessisary.
I am sorry you can't all hear me right not.
In fact, the only ones who will hear
Are those who will listen
And will empathize my story.
It really is too bad
That I am spending my time on you,
The ones who will hurt me again.
But it isn't because I care for you
Anymore,
It's because I am doing this for me.
I have taken the steps to move past
The events that ended your hearing.
I don't even care if you
Get your hearing back.

Losing the Week

Of all the things I miss most.
I miss seeing your face.
And now that I can't...

What the hell.
Now I've lost my week.

It has arrived!

Blogging has returned!

Deathnote? Really?

So I went to go see the Deathnote movie recently. I liked it. Kind of a spin on the whole idea that writting down something somehow becomes reality (except the difference being that something is death). I would highly recommend the live action movie anytime to anyone looking for something new and exciting. It made me think, if I had the Deathnote... the world around me would be chaos >:-O (Kyle + Book of Death = Wombats with Revolvers)

100th Post - Turning to another page

Alas! 100 Posts already! My computer is due next week by thursday so I can't wait to start blogging again to releave some of this writer's cramp that is filling my brain. My moleskin is half-way full and I'm getting tired of my handwritting. I want to write more than just train-of-thought in the moleskin but I just can't bring myself to write much in a small, palm sized pad. I recently got a book of haiku poems that I absolutely love... so expect a few of those on the way. Got to go for now but I hope to post again very soon!

Computer Delay

I'm so sorry I can't blog like I have been. My computer (a Dell) has been overheating and crashing so I had to send it out. I sent it April 29 and because Dell is taking so long to fix my computer they are just gonna send me a new one! So now I am getting my old E1705 upgraded to the new 1720! Check it out at Dell.com if you feel the need. It has the full keyboard like I wanted and should also be a bit lighter (maybe... I might be a little too hopeful). Anyways, hopefully I'll be back online regularly starting Monday. (Oh please let it be so!)

PS: I just got a package from Dell. It was a small metal box that turned out to be the only piece of my computer that survived the chopper... the Hard Drive :-( Good thing I backed up my data on my external HD!

Lost Stanza

But now.
Now is not the time.
To cry.
Because what I face.
Now.
Is nothing.
It is nothing.
At least.
When I look into your eyes.
With or without vision.
My heart.
It leaps.
And I remember.
What it feels like.
To be at peace.
Again.
With your soul.
An elbow's length away.
So my eyes.
Don't have to be.
Alone.
Anymore.

I will always be there.
Even if I go away.
Even if I move away.
Even if I die.
Even if I can't.
I promise.
I promise.

And that promise.
It amazes people.
Even you.
But to me.
To promise.
To one person.
To you.
That I will.
Is a promise.
To be your Hero.
Not the world.

But to be a Hero.
For one.
Is much harder.
For most.
Than to be.
A world.

Remember.
There is one person.
Who can see.
That you are.
Beautiful.
Remember.
Remember.

So when I.
Am mindless.
Be there.
And I will recall.
What it feels like.
To be at peace.
Again.
With your soul.
And my eyes.
Don't have to be.
Alone.
Anymore.

The Scarlet Harlot

I am never good at being emotional.
Please, understand this.
I am never the one to cry.
And I don't like to admit that I do.
Sometimes.
When I am alone.
I feel something on my face.
And I know that the tears are there.
When I am alone.
There is no one to hide them from.
So they escape my conciousness.
And become involuntary capilaries.
Falling from my face.

I am not an 'emo' punk.
I am not starving for attention.
I am not anything worth mentioning.
If it weren't for you.
I know.
I would fade into the background.
I would be lost in my own fantasy.
I would not want reality.
If there wasn't you.
I wouldn't be me.

So many "I"s.
How can you stand me?
As selfish and selfless as I am.
There is no better way to describe.
A first born.
Just so willing to give.
And yet not see what he is giving.
Or to whom.
Just to give it to them.
Because you can't have.
You just can't.
You don't deserve it like.
They do.

But you are.
So much more than they are.
As I am here trying.
To bring back the reasons.
For myself.
Not letting tears come to me.
And I decide that.
I am a rock.
Why would you deserve.
To be with a rock.
I don't decide that.
But the water inside the rocks.
That is what matters.
Or does it.

Don't try to change.
Who I am.
All that I ask.
Is that you let me.
Be here with you.
So that when I.
The rock.
Begin to split.
With the weight of water.
I will be able.
To have someone there.
Who I can trust.
To hold me together.
And say over a thousand things.
Without saying anthing.

I am not hiding.
Not anymore.
Don't call me a coward.
For not saying anything.
Because I am not scared.
I just know that.
No matter what.
There aren't.
Words.
To sound emotion.
Only the music.
That I hear.
In my silent ears.
Can echo those notes.
That fail me.
And my voice.

But ask me.
For anything.
And it will be yours.

All you have to do.
Is ask.

And maybe rub my lamp.

The Boy and The Door

The boy was
standing by the door
waiting for it to open.

the door was
waiting by the boy
cracked open to see inside.

the boy is
peeking through the crack
looking for his missing piece.

the door is
rusting at the hinges
trying to move an inch.

the boy will
try to crawl through
only to find no walls.

the door will
creak as the boy
crawls past his lost frienD.

Computer Still Broken

My computer is still broken, but I shall try to post using my friends laptop.

Computer Issues

So next Wednesday I get to send my computer to the doctor to get a full check-up. Hopefully this repair won't take too long... :-(

Calling to the Source

I call out to you now
High enough to hear your voice
Lost and true with no reason
But to cry when no one knows why
There is no hero here with us
To save us in these hours of pain.
How am I to give up hope
When the world is already lost?
The only truth left is what I know
So how am I to let it go?
So who am I to let it go?
What is your plan for me?
What is my plan for you?
Just don't give up on me
And I won't give up on you
So long as you don't ever teach me
How to save a life.

Nap

Softly I realized I was in a large airport. There were so many people... I couldn't recognize anyone. There were cross-walks, moving sidewalks, and all were full of people. They were bumping into me, pushing me aside, none of them talking, but a loud babble arose from the mass. I was suddenly under worry. I was alone. Everyone here was alien to me. I didn't even know where I was in the airport. I started to move through the people, trying to find a familiar gate or stairway or convinience store. Everything seemed new to me. I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I began to break down. I was a small child in the middle of the airport. There was no one here with me. Tears rolled down my face. I can see myself on the ground. I am pitiful. I am alone. I can't hear myself over the babble of the people, but I can still hear the music playing throughout the building.

The Sound of Silence...

I can still hear the words in my head...

Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one deared
Disturb the sound of silence.

Fools said i,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whisperd in the sounds of silence.

And then I saw him in the crowd. He turned, saw me, and smiled. I was so shocked to see him that I awoke, but... then I really was alone... and...

Returner

Often I will go back to that place when left to my own devices.
There is something innocent, yet deceptively terrible about that place.
That place, what a place indeed.
Why should I go back to a place where a deaf mute lies?
Nothing can be done for that.
Just turn yourself around and dance away into the green petals,
the red dress, the dead lips, with black kiss,
But within a momentary break in the story.
The story keeps going until you end it.

MOLESKIN ENTRY (fragments) - 4/6/08 - The Reason

I lost kiss again. I lost it. Fuck. I had it and I lost it. I am close to getting it back, but I don't want to lose them again... my lips. They are on my face, my head, my jaw. They are below my nose, above my chin, between my cheeks. They are surrounded by me, but they are not mine. Help me make them mine {again} so that I can make them yours {again}. Please. Hold me. Thrill me. Kiss me. Kill me.

->

I am tired and have been (-)less for ({a while now}). 3 days. Then, when I finally go to him, I am so broken and tired that I can't even give him what he deserves. I am selfish. Tired. I need a long rest. I will go back to ({him}) and rest. (-). (-). Don't (-) give up on me. Please. That is all I can do. Please. Please. Please. (-) I'm scared. Can you (-)? (-) , but maybe that's because (-). I'm sorry, I can't do anything (-). (-). (-) begun to fix the broken puzzle in your mind. I am doing mine right now. {Don't wait for me. I will get there too. I promise.}

20 + 1 = 21

As I watch her walk by,
I reach to my side,
And pull from my deck,
XX - Judgement.

She glances and sighs,
But reaches with her eyes,
And sees in my left,
XXI - The World.

Sanctuary by Utada Hikaru

Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i...
In you and I,
theres a new land
Angels in flight
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i...
My sanctuary,
my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i...
What's left of me?
What's left of me now?

I watch you fast asleep
All I fear means nothing

In you and I,
theres a new land
Angels in flight
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i...
My sanctuary,
my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i...
What's left of me?
What's left of me now?

Snwod dna spu ynam os...
My heart's a battleground
Snoitome eurt deen i...
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i...
Snoitome eurt deen i...

You show me,
how to see
That nothing is whole,
and nothing is broken

In you and I,
theres a new land
Angels in flight

My sanctuary,
my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i...
What's left of me?
What's left of me now?

My fears
My lies
Melt away

Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i...

Going Back to Dole

Who ever thought that bring back Dole would be... terrible...

Who saw through the pages and stories and saw... ghosts...

More Ghosts...

More Awakenings...

More Compression...

84th Post

This is post 84, which marks the point at which I have successfully surpassed my other blog in length. When reflecting on this, I wonder what could have sparked me to write as much as I had in 2 years of High School in just 6 recent months. It is obvious that I have been through a lot of changes psychologically and physically (by that I mean going from 130-175 pounds every two months). The real question is: Is this a good thing? I would like to think so. In fact, I know so. I have had more to write about recently than I have ever had or wanted to write about. I have used writting as a tool to develop myself and continue onward in life. Now I have a huge collection of works to look back upon and remember the emotions that were put into these pieces. Some are huge rants, some brief sentences (or rather fragments and sometimes just words) but length has no meaning when compared to the memories tied with these works. It is an odd feeling... rereading the cryptic and not so cryptic writing and recalling why I chose each word, made each sentence, made the stanzas. It is truly moving to recall these moments that I don't want to recall... but in some twisted part of my mind... I want these moments to reread and remember, because I need to learn from my mistakes and sometimes I need to remember the ones I made. I am a different person from the one who wrote each of those pieces. Time allows me to look back at them and see what I was really thinking... or maybe it is what I wished I were thinking...

Precious

"All you have to do is to decide what to do with the time given to you."
-Gandalf the Grey, Mithrandir, Olórin
...
-J.R.R. Tolkien

Sleep Without Sleep

There once was this place,
Where I could be at ease,
Be at peace with myself.

There once was this bed,
Where I could rest my weary head,
And never think about when or why.

But now that I'm here,
I feel like part of me died,

And there's no reason to worry or fret.

But how can I lay alone?
How can I go back to cold?

Why waste my time here,
When I could whisper in your ear,

The secret of our sanctuary.

My Monologue

Never was I...
one to cry.
Never did I...
think that I had died...
until I woke up...
and saw myself...
yesterday.
There are some things we consider small,
but this is one that I didn't see at all.
Standing there in the dirty john,
looking at what he's loved all along,
I feel like a woman,
examining each part,
but knowing it's not there right from the start.
For a while I did not see,
that part that was cut right off of me.
Maybe that's because I never really knew myself,
until I had known someone else.
And now without my choice,
I've got nothing left but my head and voice,
I don't understand how I had gone without,
but scars reveal just how it came about,
and I make my eyes mimic the marks,
until they turn away.
Now like a young mother,
I'll never see it,
again...

Innocent by Fuel

Satan, you know where I lie
Gently I go into that good night
All our lives get complicated
Search for pleasures overrated
Never armed our souls
For what the future would hold
When we were innocent

Angels, lend me your might
Forfeit all my lives to get just one right
All those colors long since faded
All our smiles all confiscated
Never were we told
We'd be bought and sold
When we were innocent

This prayer is for me tonight
This far down that line and still ain't got it right
And while confessions not yet stated
Our next sin is contemplated
Never did we know
What the future would hold
Or that we'd be bought and sold
We were innocent

Flood Gates Breaking

I am not alone.

Not anymore.

BAD Bad bad...

Don't be fooled by the begger's poor appearance.
Don't be tricked by the sleeves of the magician.
Please look beyond the eyes of priest n' nuns,
Cause there's always something bigger than God
_ s.
hope

Seperate your warm and kindly spirit.
Divide your cold and pure selfish intentions.
Follow what you know to be true to yourself,
There is really no one else but you
who?
you

Take these parts and put them in containers.
Shelter them and water expectations.
Now watch what happens to these parts,
When left alone to die
No!
They'll grow until they meet the other side.