Books

Got like 4 different story ideas going... so I'm going to start writing them down and getting them on this blog someday soon.  That way they won't collide together and merge into a blob of a story that is just a compilation of all the book I want to write.

Let's see if I can do this!

Undesirable

I am not the first.

I am not the last.

I am the one you reach for when you can.

One more time

Where are you

Where is my heart
my soul cries to its beat
but the answer is faint and far
Tears roll and fall
Roll and fall

Where are you

Where is my heart
past a well of rusting wishes

an escape to an empty mire
Tears roll and fall
Roll and fall

I take to the deserted road

A dust born mile blows by

Where are you

Where is my heart
a thousand miles away to walk

a thousand miles I must go on
Tears roll and fall
Roll and fall

won't need my sight, don't need the signs

to hear you love me, one more time.

alive

wet crows shiver, waiting

in a frosted November twilight,

an autumn aroma veils,

I am here, I am cold

explosions from the night and day

keep the crows at bay

A Battle with Darkness

He looked back over his shoulder as the wave approached and said, "When you hesitated to say that you loved me, the darkness began to swallow me whole."

Holding his hand to his chest, feeling a rapturous fire within, he added quietly, "But I won't give in to that darkness.  Not anymore."

Closing his eyes, while tears streamed down his face, he thought, "I need you because I love you."

There was a rushing like trains racing past him.  Then blackness.

Love given, love ungiven

What love we've given, we'll have forever. What love we fail to give, will be lost for all eternity.

-leo buscaglia

Tears

"Crying is like sharing.  It's best done with other people you trust and can be pretty selfish if you do it alone."

-Me

The Last Tree

Alone, seated by
the last tree, but I yield
to the echoes my
eyes cast towards where you last stood
waiting for me to call
your name into the wind forest
but I am held by
my solitude that asks nothing
in return.

Sickness

I burst into the hallway. It's only a few more steps and I finally make it to my destination. The door flies open and slams behind me. Despite the fact that I'm alone, I lock the door before turning and dropping to my knees. I barely lift the seat of the toilet before the first wave of nausea breaks inside me and I spill out the top layer of my stomach. Tears stream down my face as I gasp, bracing for the next heave.

After a minute or so, it seems my body is done. But Im not. I reach over and rinse my fingers before deliberately jamming them inside my throat. Immediately, my throat contracts and I spill another layer of my stomach into the bowl of the toilet. The smell of my own sickness guides my clean hand to flush down the remains. I rinse the other while I listen to the gargle of the water running down the drain.

I decide to try to empty myself one more time, just to be sure I'm free of it all. I repeat the ritual. Rinse. Throat. Heave. Flush. After a few moments, I am finally empty. With my head held over the rim of the toilet, I stare at the clean water circling into the empty space that once held the contents of my stomach. I breath deeply and stand to face the mirror.

I had forgotten the tears in my eyes, but the redness around my eyes surprises me. I rinse my face with cold water and gargle mouthwash until the sick taste of bile leaves my tongue. The redness is still there, but at least the tears are gone.

Now exhausted, I open the door to my vacant apartment and head to my bedroom. The pillows on my bed are soft and cool, relaxing my eyes and my thoughts. Only one permeates my brain, a dull drum in the chaos of my mind. It shouts: "You need help because you cannot do this alone."

A Message Simplified

I just can't help but laugh when I stumble upon words like these and think, "THIS IS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY."


Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.

-W. S. Merwin

Maybe someday I'll write with the power and simplicity as this statement.

Just

A warm emptiness between the pillows
Windows open to an evening sigh
Just the sheets. Just the air.
Shifting between abandoned spaces
Entangled with frustration and longing
Just rest. Just rest this once.
A dream lost, a part of self torn away
Discarded and unworthy of another
Just one's self. Just another night.

The crimson coals of the soul burn on.

abnegation

awaken in the night, mangled

hungover from the haunts and visions

stumble to a cool throne, a rude rest

let the dreams conceive themselves, or

let them break me more, like sirens

preach of loves lost to the waves

the songs, nothing but whispers

when you've sung a song so true

as the love I lost to you.

The Noose

Where did you go
hang still by the edge
You went to help
But forgotten, again
A drift in the wind
Tears long dried, dust
Building on eyes
Tightened by strain
Hung like a lonely villain
Knuckles locked and laced
I rock with the cliff-side
All memories fading away
Turning dark and frail
I hold on to hope
You will remember me
But a sea breeze barks
And one buckle left
My neck will crack
And down, down, down
To the sea bed below
Where forgotten souls rest
In the tides, picked
By the buzzards
Forever.

Save Me - Gotye

aaa-eee-yeah
aaa-eee-oooh

In the mornings,
I was anxious
Was better just to stay in bed
Didn't wanna fail myself again

Running through all the options
And the endings
Were rolling out in front of me
But I couldn't choose a thread to begin

ooh

And I could not, love
Cos I could not love myself
Never good enough no
That was all I'd tell myself
And I was not well
But I could not help myself
I was giving up on living

aaa-eee-yeah
aaa-eee-oooh

In the morning
You were leaving
Traveling south again
And you said you were not unprepared
And all the dead ends
Disappointments
Fading from your memory
Ready for that lonely life to end

And you gave me love
When I could not love myself
And you made me turn
From the way I saw myself
And your patient love
And you helped me help myself
And you save me

And you save me 

Yeah you save me

Aaa-eee-yeah
Aaa-eee-oooh

Distance, will we go?

Ties and bows that float away
A river born inside a flame
It shivers in the crystal blue
Casting thoughts that rise to you
To dry the run, or rinse the burn
The words you say, I can't unlearn
Like birds and worms that sing a song
That rescues love I thought was gone
Of hope, of needs and things I dream
That bring me through a maze of means
Where red ferns grow and black birds cry
Where you and I had never died
Down by the boat house on that night
The moment where I held on tight
Chilled and frighten like a bat
And this is where I find I'm at
Alone and cold inside these games
I hunger but suppress the pain
I fight to live, to win the prize
 A chance to look back in your eyes

Need

I wear a veil on my eyes

But I cannot hide you.

I put mud in my ears

But I always listen for you.

I cry out alone in my bed

But I await your caress.

Abandoned, here I await

the day you cry out for me.

This is where I have been for the past few months...

EPITAPH FRAGMENTS

-broken, incomplete fragments of the epitaph-

======================

A vast cavity appears within me, a thousand words seen upon the wild reeds

a thirsty well in Siberian desert shadows; here roam images of knights seeking their weeds and hallows

======================

I've actually been writing in between rotations in my notebook at school... and the story is piecing together quite nicely.  Even though it is slower than typing... I actually feel like I get more done handwriting than typing.  Probably has to do with the fact that I can't second guess myself and delete a whole paragraph in frustration.  :-)

Hopefully it will develop itself into something above average!  I'll have

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beyond the mist

reaching to the

estranged by the rocks

far away

entagled within

worlds of woes below

finding fingers through the misty waves

Holding

onward, embued with magenta sounds

desperate 

======================

I've been trying to think of something worthy to write about concerning you.  Usually, or in recent times, I've used writing as a tool to siphon off the ugly, oily fat from my brain.  This usually comes in the form of dramatic poetry, the success of which is debatable.  I suppose the main idea is that I feel like every time I try to write something about you... I stumble.  You have been a great source of happiness in my life.  So much so that it pains me to write much about you since the words to describe how important you have become to me are hard to find... despite the many many many words the English language makes available to me.  And so, as I sit here listening to my random assortment of music, it dawned upon me that I should write something directly addressed to you... considering the topic.

=======================

Hunter was late.  Very late.  If he didn't run he would miss the flight and would have to wait until morning for the next flight out of state.  Grasping the straps of his backpack, he sprinted even harder to the vacant security gate. 

Three alarm trips and a strip search later, he was back to the sprint.  They had confiscated all three of his water bottles, his jar of peanut butter, some plastic utensils, and the loaf of bread he had packed, but this didn't phase him.  Hunter only moved faster through the deserted terminal towards Gate 9.

Hunter glanced quickly at his watch.

Only five minutes late, he thought, wiping the sweat from his eyes.  I can still make the final call!

At last with a final lunge Hunter reached Gate 9. 

It was eerily quiet.  The rows of hard, black seats were empty.  The rows of lights above the kiosk flashed repeatedly: GATE 9 - FLIGHT TO BOSTON, MA.

Panting heavily, he tried to compose himself as he approached the gate kiosk.  There was only one man behind the counter.  Hunter staggered to the desk and dropped his bag on the counter with a loud THUD.  The man's eyes remained glued to the screen. 

Hunter, still catching his breath and leaning heavily on the counter, waited.  The man continued to focus on the screen, seemingly unaware of Hunter and the lumpy backpack taking up most of his desk space.

Tall with pale white skin, sporting black-oily hair with his chin held high.  There wasn't a wrinkle on his uniform

====================

Yeah, not quite as catchy or annoying as Rebecca Black but I couldn't think of a great title to start off my post about today.  Today, I will be musing about the possibilities of this fine day.

"Fine day," you say, "Why what would make this Saturday so fine?"

There are only so many days of the week that involve the gorgeous things that Saturday has to offer me.  Other might think this golden day to fall on a Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, or any other day of the week.  For me, and for the purposes of this post, I will refer to the golden day as Saturday.  Feel free to replace all Saturdays with your prefered day off.

What are some of the possibilies of one of these fine days?  Let's start with the weather.

You've really only got two options:  Rain or Shine.  If it's raining, then chances are your fun is going to be mostly indoors... unless you are planning on getting soaked anyways.  This usually involves sleep wear, watching movies, playing video games, calling out for pizza, and other activities that involve the least amount of movement of your gluteous maximus.  These days are essential for some people to recover from the stress of a week's work (or perhaps a terrible day preceeding the Saturday). 

=====================

It was a dry summer that year in Ester, Arizona. Hammond stared out the window at the desert that stretched for miles, ignoring a large bead of sweat that crept down his face. "How do these savages do it?" He thought to himself. He reached into his sterile overcoat and pulled from it a rusting pocket watch. It clashed horribly with his otherwise modern attire. Wearing a a Less than ten minutes left. He straighted his pale, bowler hat. He had paid the driver well to get this far and he wasn't about to be late.

As Hammond replaced the A large bump in the dirt road lurched the van suddenly. "Watch where your going dammnit!" Hammond barked.

The copper skinned man to his left said nothing. He was concentrating on something ahead. Hammond turned and saw their destination rising out of the desert like a lost city.

The trailer park looked like it was under a strict quarantine. Everyone in the trailer park had locked themselves inside to escape the heat wave relying on their struggling air conditioners to provide minimal relief. The dirt from the unpaved roads washed up against the trailers' hot panels, covering them in a sandpaper like texture. Only large silver numbers remained shimmering in the sunlight against the tanned sides. A girl wearing a flower patterned dress sat motionless on the steps outside of a particularly barren looking trailer labeled with a large number fourteen

========

Will you be there with me, in Eorzea?

A land of new stories and the old rebirth.

I reminisce of the days in ancient Vana'diel

Where I searched for a forbidden power

and found myself craving more than

========

If there was one thing about my father's death that bothers me, it was the fact that there were so many little details about his life that I never got to find out about. Some people like to talk about life "before

=======

Someday I will

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Outside

the morning shivers

the dusk in a rush

Outside

there is a perfume

mother will not share

Outside

the bat and the rat

my mouth waters

Outside

there is a rustle

an orangutang

Where is it?

Where is it?

Where is it?

=======

I am making it my top priority this semester to

==============

"Dwelling on the past is something that shouldn't be done frequently."

"Why not?"

"Because the past is insignificant to the future as a recreational tool."

"What about

============

The forest creaks loud

A cry can be heard in vain

Still the night goes on.

Autumn leaves in wind

Circle the lost grounds of sand

Now forever lost.

============

I can't seem to.

Dismay

Sitting on the balcony,

a grey sky hovers lower

a door opens, a door closes

a man sprinting to a taxi

a smell of mist and cigarettes

a goose silently wading by

a brush in the noisy maple

a door opens, a door closes

an engine fires away in smoke

a drop on the tar, like a gun

the rain races to greet the grass.

Keeper of Flies

Isolated, resting are the flies
Caught in a jar of wine
Fat and beastly, lusting in the glass

envy their ignorance.
The iron lid teases my lips

If only for a moment, to join the harem
A release of that burly frenzy
To taste the sweet scent of a harden seat

The dream, a dream in the eyes
Of the keeper of the flies.

Untitled

Where did you go?

The trees sway alone

Looking for a friend

But long for your grasp again.