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This reminds me of a concept I ponder sometimes regarding Alzheimer's disease. I always fear that one day I will awaken to find everything I know to be lost and that I will retreat to an earlier state of mind that I thought I had overcome, only to unrealized those realizations.
Even still, I find when I have conquered my own mind that there was always something I'd overlooked or underlooked that just has this rolling-stone effect in my mind until I stand over the rock and ask it why it's still moving after everything I'd done to it. This isn't to be confused with "over-analysis" or some terrible inability to let anything go that happens in my life, but instead it's something I've encountered that can't escape me.

If I were to develop Alzheimer's disease I would depend on others to help me remember those terrible times and the most wonderful times. I wonder who would be there to help me remember those times. Who would they choose to help me remember? Who would they choose to let me forget? What if there was no one but some volunteer worker trying to spend time with me? What would happen to those memories?

Basically my point to this whole endless typing (which as turned into a post-length comment and I'm sorry about that) is that if I were to develop Alzheimer's disease, wouldn't I have already forgotten what already happened just recently? Wouldn't in some time-paradoxical way I be already be forgetting these moments or this moment?

I suppose Alzheimer's disease would be like living your life one day and the next awakening (X) number of years later forgetting that happened between now and then. I mean I've been around for almost 21 years on Earth and I can't remember everything that happened in that time. Imagine a whole lifetime just blown away! In the end, I really know nothing but common knowledge about Alzheimer's disease and the fact that my mother's side of the family suffers from a history of it. Everything I know is just speculation from the side-lines. This is where Wikipedia and the internet come in handy!

Don't Be Afraid

I wonder what I mean?

Maybe it's because they don't.

Moleskin Fragment - Epitaph to [Ethan]

July 22, 2008

->

That is a tale which stems back to when [Ethan] started his road to asshol-ism... or maybe he always was an asshole and we either chose to ignore it or he did a good job of trying to to be one or a combo of everything [inbetween]. There was always something about [Ethan] I liked. If I had to guess, it would be his willingness to do anything to be social. I think it stems from his childhood and lack of social life until we met him (from what I understand or was told). He was diagnosed with [a] sort of mental disorder at an early age [and from what I gathered it was] because of his constant swearing. I think South Park helped a lot with that. In school [,] I remember first meeting him and befriending him. For whatever reason I would [often] befriend the most insecure people in High School. I always felt that I helped a lot of people grow and develop because of me, but that's that the kind of thinking that gets me into trouble. [Ethan] always made me laugh. We were almost always at par with each other in most video games. I miss him a lot. He really was a great friend sometimes. The last time I saw him was in Staples one day. I was excited at first [because I hadn't seen him for about a year]... then, as if I was an amnesiatic, it slowly dawned on me that we just never talked things out. As I left Staples I realized how much I missed him. But I couldn't go back. Not again.

-> End Moleskin

As I reread the moleskin, I wonder why I didn't spend enough time on those who deserved it.

Moleskin COMPLETE

I finshed my Moleskin. The remaining pages are perferated and can fall out easily so I don't want to write anything important on them. I began my moleskin sometime around Valentine's Day. I don't know exactly when because I didn't keep records of that until later when my writing... or better yet... when I changed. Thank you for this gift that has guided me, for months now, to finding something I'd lost. Myself. I don't say this because I think I completely know myself, because I cannot completely know myself. There will always be a part of me developing, but what I do know is that there are some things you don't change. That is what I believe I have found. I have found it. I have found it. And without you, I couldn't have done it.

Destroyer

I am calling your name.
Why can't you hear me?
Do I even want you now,
Now that you've made it clear
How you feel about me?

What about those days
Standing in the sun
Where we'd just begun?
Have those no meaning too?
Or is this just divination?

I wanted to give you so much
Because the last time I did
Was so long ago.
You are just like the others
Who turn when I kiss their cheek.

Soon I will be cold hearted
And as a Shiva unto me,
My five widowed men won't ever love
The falling leaves
The way I do.

This isn't a dream?

Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly
Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the Beast

Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As the sun will rise

Tale as old as time
Tune as old as song
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong
Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast

Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast

Questions?

The loveless ask us,
Why the Nile flows Northward?
They can't understand.

Oldies

I spent a majority of the night rereading every post I've posted until now. It's odd how many senses are saved within a few short sentences or paragraphs. Reading them has boosted my moral overall and given me the convidence to have a good day (as I was instructed).

RATIONS

When we are outside,
They're are bugs all over me.
Why don't you see them?

In the quiet room.
A note is passed to the boy.
Nothing else is heard?

Three willows are here.
Two willows are unwinding.
Two willows are not.

Frogs in the small lake
Together are making it
Seem like the ocean.

Wombats that don't sleep
Are often the ones that try
To shoot at the hares.

Open Spaces

Inside of the room,
There is a vaccum I feel
When the light goes out.

Origins of the Awakening

As we pass the bear,
I turn to look back at it.
Why are they laughing?

Epitaph of the Ancients - (SEPT/9/2006)

"It was dark. Darker than it had ever been. Infact, it looked like things would never change. Everyone was jumping enemy lines. It was the final straw... or was it? Out of the mist of everything came an abrupt silence as if someone had sucked the sound out of the world. Peace would have been the right word to use, but in the mist of the dead it wouldn't fit. The WDM was heading for him. It was going to be over.

It wasn't right. The fighting wasn't going to end like this I desided. I switched teams and caught the end of the world in my hands. The people watched my selflessness and called it selfishness. For what reason? I was the one who had called it down in the first place... I was the fool... I understood... nothing.

I broke the bullet with my fist and sealed a covenant with him. Should and flag fly high in my presence, the world would end as fortold... and no ideals will change that again.

With this he agreed. An Ally he became to me again. An Enemy to others he remained.

The secrets of his past conflicts riddled my mind. I began to dig further into his past to answer my mind's only question: why?

And so I discovered my own spy was his as well.

She wasn't telling me everything it seemed. Then again, it was expected. Being a sacrifice has its weaknesses. Taking too many falls and you can't save yourself. That would be a course description. I guess she just wanted to see the outcome from the sidelines of the stage. Was it for her own secret wants and needs that she would only filter the information?

I looked at my bleeding hands...

I turned to him...

Was it worth it?"

**Self: Please forgive me for not posting anything in a long while that is new or poetic or something to that affect.**