10/26/14

of touch, of drink, and of bones

Why visit that place
with your head in your hands?

The smoke and smell of you
an invisible breathe of senseless
loss. pale. nothing.
No water hole, no river stones.
No afghans, no bearing bones.
Nothing, but
a sturring into rut

beyond the mirrors.
beyond the doors.
beyond being yours.

drink that serum of dreams,
tip back and look back
the neck and groans
look back, look back 
through bear-less bones
the afghan, of wounded threads
of dry, heartless river stones
that lie at the bare bottom
of the broken buried bones.



2/20/14

I can see it

Only from across the ocean's crest

can I see the sands of the other shores.

I must take the voyage

And let go of the sand beneath me.


11/23/13

If I could count the ways

If I could count the ways

the ways I've failed you

there would be only my hand

full of gold plated pieces.

How robbed of spirit must one be?

Nothing

Nothing is good enough.

Nothing will satisfy.

I am not enough?

No, nothing is.

Nothing

Nothing is good enough.

Nothing will satisfy.

I am not enough?

No, nothing is.

8/20/13

Just a Memory

For a brief moment, I remembered the feeling of having my dad in my life.

And only now can I see just how much everything has really changed.

8/2/13

Spiritual Damage

According to my therapist, I am a very spiritually damaged person.

It all started when I said there was no way to reach him anymore.  Like an invisible, impenetrable barrier that death pulled him through.  No matter how hard I beg, cry, or fight against it, nothing will change his fate.

I will be here.  All I have left of him now are memories, dreams, and the occasional note or label I find scrawled in his distinct handwriting hiding in the basement.

It was kind of like realizing that your legs are actually wooden pegs you've been hobbling on for a long, long time.

Arrrrrr mates.  A storm be brewin.

7/9/13

Ghost Sound


meadow grass rises
beneath an Overwhelming
vista of ghost sound

7/4/13

Idiots Guide to: The Universe

Out of nothing, which lasted (infinite) ages, something happened.

Something expanded into nothing for billions upon billions of a second (p) until second wave hits.

Law of Gravity

Then other laws follow.

We are at the end of an invisible line drawn from God to us through space, time, and matter.

Nothing slowly reclaims all matter as we drift into it.  We are consumed.

Nothing exists once again for (infinite) ages, until something happens again.

(Thinking of God trying to spark two stones for an eternity.)

6/20/13

Harry Potter

I'm not completely obsessed with Harry Potter, but I love listening to the audiobooks so much that I've basically memorized them.  You couldn't quote the books wrongly around me!  I really just use them as a way to relax.  The themes and flawed characters keep me coming back.

Totally one of those "Harry Potter Generation" kids.  Grew up with Harry and still learning from him and the rest of the gang!  Now if only I could make my way to Harry Potter World... :-)

6/15/13

A little bit of time

It seems life moves differently on medication.  Like instead of being anxious most of the day and not being able to move on from some things, I can now relax a bit more and the small hiccups aren't the mountains they use to be.

For example, instead of every other ant hill being a mountain, they are all now just ant hills.  There will always be ants, but the ants and their hills are way less significant than the rest of the yard before me.

6/12/13

My Fault

It always is and always will be my fault.

And the only way to change things is obviously to remove the fault.

6/11/13

Full Day

10 kids.

No items.

Final Destination.

Yep, it happens some days and some days are just full of hate!

6/10/13

More more more!

Today is just another day.  More frowns, more gloom, more doom.  Gotta be prepared for what life throws at you... Like losing full time summer hours you were depending on.  Now you have to pull back and reassess.  Find the important details, skip the others.  Don't focus on the ant when dealing with the ant hill.  /sigh

6/7/13

Another day, another month, another step ahead

I often wondered when the next time I would post would be.  Usually, I post when I'm emotionally rocked or unstable. 

Today that is certainly true.  Lots of emotional rides and anger have been happening lately.  Mostly because I think I have finally reached a breaking point somewhere inside where I decided: Time to change my act.

So I'm back on medication, eating healthy, and honestly tryin to motivate myself to go to the gym.  Work is more managable as time passes.  I'm use to the insults, the physical restraints, and (some) of the kids.  There are just some things that you can never find as average human behavior.

So besides being behind on a few non-critical bills, things are managable.  And that's the feeling I need to maintain.  Being overwhelmed by rent and bills, family and emotions, insecurity and self harm can be too much.  

I suppose Im not the only one in the world who has spent time looking at themselves and saying "What the hell is there to look forward to tomorrow?"

But as the list of things that keep me waking up each day grows smaller, I worry that, someday, there will not be enough left.

10/28/12

Books

Got like 4 different story ideas going... so I'm going to start writing them down and getting them on this blog someday soon.  That way they won't collide together and merge into a blob of a story that is just a compilation of all the book I want to write.

Let's see if I can do this!

10/4/12

Undesirable

I am not the first.

I am not the last.

I am the one you reach for when you can.

9/15/12

One more time

Where are you
Where is my heart
my soul cries to its beat
but the answer is faint and far
Tears roll and fall
Roll and fall

Where are you
Where is my heart
past a well of rusting wishes
an escape to an empty mire
Tears roll and fall
Roll and fall

I take to the deserted road
A dust born mile blows by

Where are you
Where is my heart
a thousand miles away to walk
a thousand miles I must go on
Tears roll and fall
Roll and fall

won't need my sight, don't need the signs
to hear you love me, one more time.

alive

wet crows shiver, waiting
in a frosted November twilight,
an autumn aroma veils,
I am here, I am cold
explosions from the night and day
keep the crows at bay

9/7/12

A Battle with Darkness

He looked back over his shoulder as the wave approached and said, "When you hesitated to say that you loved me, the darkness began to swallow me whole."

Holding his hand to his chest, feeling a rapturous fire within, he added quietly, "But I won't give in to that darkness.  Not anymore."

Closing his eyes, while tears streamed down his face, he thought, "I need you because I love you."

There was a rushing like trains racing past him.  Then blackness.

9/6/12

Love given, love ungiven

What love we've given, we'll have forever. What love we fail to give, will be lost for all eternity.

-leo buscaglia

9/3/12

Tears



"Crying is like sharing.  It's best done with other people you trust and can be pretty selfish if you do it alone."





-Me

7/10/12

The Last Tree





Alone, seated by
the last tree, but I yield
to the echoes my
eyes cast towards where you last stood
waiting for me to call
your name into the wind forest
but I am held by
my solitude that asks nothing
in return.

6/18/12

Sickness

I burst into the hallway. It's only a few more steps and I finally make it to my destination. The door flies open and slams behind me. Despite the fact that I'm alone, I lock the door before turning and dropping to my knees. I barely lift the seat of the toilet before the first wave of nausea breaks inside me and I spill out the top layer of my stomach. Tears stream down my face as I gasp, bracing for the next heave.

After a minute or so, it seems my body is done. But Im not. I reach over and rinse my fingers before deliberately jamming them inside my throat. Immediately, my throat contracts and I spill another layer of my stomach into the bowl of the toilet. The smell of my own sickness guides my clean hand to flush down the remains. I rinse the other while I listen to the gargle of the water running down the drain.

I decide to try to empty myself one more time, just to be sure I'm free of it all. I repeat the ritual. Rinse. Throat. Heave. Flush. After a few moments, I am finally empty. With my head held over the rim of the toilet, I stare at the clean water circling into the empty space that once held the contents of my stomach. I breath deeply and stand to face the mirror.

I had forgotten the tears in my eyes, but the redness around my eyes surprises me. I rinse my face with cold water and gargle mouthwash until the sick taste of bile leaves my tongue. The redness is still there, but at least the tears are gone.

Now exhausted, I open the door to my vacant apartment and head to my bedroom. The pillows on my bed are soft and cool, relaxing my eyes and my thoughts. Only one permeates my brain, a dull drum in the chaos of my mind. It shouts: "You need help because you cannot do this alone."

5/27/12

A Message Simplified

I just can't help but laugh when I stumble upon words like these and think, "THIS IS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY."


Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.

-W. S. Merwin

Maybe someday I'll write with the power and simplicity as this statement.

5/26/12

Just

A warm emptiness between the pillows
Windows open to an evening sigh
Just the sheets. Just the air.
Shifting between abandoned spaces
Entangled with frustration and longing
Just rest. Just rest this once.
A dream lost, a part of self torn away
Discarded and unworthy of another
Just one's self. Just another night.

The crimson coals of the soul burn on.

5/24/12

abnegation

awaken in the night, mangled
hungover from the haunts and visions
stumble to a cool throne, a rude rest
let the dreams conceive themselves, or
let them break me more, like sirens
preach of loves lost to the waves
the songs, nothing but whispers
when you've sung a song so true
as the love I lost to you.

5/13/12

The Noose

Where did you go
hang still by the edge
You went to help
But forgotten, again
A drift in the wind
Tears long dried, dust
Building on eyes
Tightened by strain
Hung like a lonely villain
Knuckles locked and laced
I rock with the cliff-side
All memories fading away
Turning dark and frail
I hold on to hope
You will remember me
But a sea breeze barks
And one buckle left
My neck will crack
And down, down, down
To the sea bed below
Where forgotten souls rest
In the tides, picked
By the buzzards
Forever.

5/12/12

Save Me - Gotye



aaa-eee-yeah
aaa-eee-oooh

In the mornings,
I was anxious
Was better just to stay in bed
Didn't wanna fail myself again

Running through all the options
And the endings
Were rolling out in front of me
But I couldn't choose a thread to begin

ooh

And I could not, love
Cos I could not love myself
Never good enough no
That was all I'd tell myself
And I was not well
But I could not help myself
I was giving up on living

aaa-eee-yeah
aaa-eee-oooh

In the morning
You were leaving
Traveling south again
And you said you were not unprepared
And all the dead ends
Disappointments
Fading from your memory
Ready for that lonely life to end

And you gave me love
When I could not love myself
And you made me turn
From the way I saw myself
And your patient love
And you helped me help myself
And you save me
And you save me 
Yeah you save me

Aaa-eee-yeah
Aaa-eee-oooh

Distance, will we go?

Ties and bows that float away
A river born inside a flame
It shivers in the crystal blue
Casting thoughts that rise to you
To dry the run, or rinse the burn
The words you say, I can't unlearn
Like birds and worms that sing a song
That rescues love I thought was gone
Of hope, of needs and things I dream
That bring me through a maze of means
Where red ferns grow and black birds cry
Where you and I had never died
Down by the boat house on that night
The moment where I held on tight
Chilled and frighten like a bat
And this is where I find I'm at
Alone and cold inside these games
I hunger but suppress the pain
I fight to live, to win the prize
 A chance to look back in your eyes

5/8/12

Need

I wear a veil on my eyes
But I cannot hide you.

I put mud in my ears
But I always listen for you.

I cry out alone in my bed
But I await your caress.

Abandoned, here I await
the day you cry out for me.



5/7/12

This is where I have been for the past few months...


EPITAPH FRAGMENTS
-broken, incomplete fragments of the epitaph-



======================


A vast cavity appears within me, a thousand words seen upon the wild reeds

a thirsty well in Siberian desert shadows; here roam images of knights seeking their weeds and hallows

======================

I've actually been writing in between rotations in my notebook at school... and the story is piecing together quite nicely.  Even though it is slower than typing... I actually feel like I get more done handwriting than typing.  Probably has to do with the fact that I can't second guess myself and delete a whole paragraph in frustration.  :-)

Hopefully it will develop itself into something above average!  I'll have

=================

beyond the mist
reaching to the
estranged by the rocks

far away

entagled within


worlds of woes below
finding fingers through the misty waves

Holding
onward, embued with magenta sounds
desperate 





======================


I've been trying to think of something worthy to write about concerning you.  Usually, or in recent times, I've used writing as a tool to siphon off the ugly, oily fat from my brain.  This usually comes in the form of dramatic poetry, the success of which is debatable.  I suppose the main idea is that I feel like every time I try to write something about you... I stumble.  You have been a great source of happiness in my life.  So much so that it pains me to write much about you since the words to describe how important you have become to me are hard to find... despite the many many many words the English language makes available to me.  And so, as I sit here listening to my random assortment of music, it dawned upon me that I should write something directly addressed to you... considering the topic.



=======================

Hunter was late.  Very late.  If he didn't run he would miss the flight and would have to wait until morning for the next flight out of state.  Grasping the straps of his backpack, he sprinted even harder to the vacant security gate. 

Three alarm trips and a strip search later, he was back to the sprint.  They had confiscated all three of his water bottles, his jar of peanut butter, some plastic utensils, and the loaf of bread he had packed, but this didn't phase him.  Hunter only moved faster through the deserted terminal towards Gate 9.

Hunter glanced quickly at his watch.

Only five minutes late, he thought, wiping the sweat from his eyes.  I can still make the final call!

At last with a final lunge Hunter reached Gate 9. 

It was eerily quiet.  The rows of hard, black seats were empty.  The rows of lights above the kiosk flashed repeatedly: GATE 9 - FLIGHT TO BOSTON, MA.

Panting heavily, he tried to compose himself as he approached the gate kiosk.  There was only one man behind the counter.  Hunter staggered to the desk and dropped his bag on the counter with a loud THUD.  The man's eyes remained glued to the screen. 

Hunter, still catching his breath and leaning heavily on the counter, waited.  The man continued to focus on the screen, seemingly unaware of Hunter and the lumpy backpack taking up most of his desk space.

Tall with pale white skin, sporting black-oily hair with his chin held high.  There wasn't a wrinkle on his uniform

====================

Yeah, not quite as catchy or annoying as Rebecca Black but I couldn't think of a great title to start off my post about today.  Today, I will be musing about the possibilities of this fine day.

"Fine day," you say, "Why what would make this Saturday so fine?"

There are only so many days of the week that involve the gorgeous things that Saturday has to offer me.  Other might think this golden day to fall on a Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, or any other day of the week.  For me, and for the purposes of this post, I will refer to the golden day as Saturday.  Feel free to replace all Saturdays with your prefered day off.

What are some of the possibilies of one of these fine days?  Let's start with the weather.

You've really only got two options:  Rain or Shine.  If it's raining, then chances are your fun is going to be mostly indoors... unless you are planning on getting soaked anyways.  This usually involves sleep wear, watching movies, playing video games, calling out for pizza, and other activities that involve the least amount of movement of your gluteous maximus.  These days are essential for some people to recover from the stress of a week's work (or perhaps a terrible day preceeding the Saturday). 

=====================

It was a dry summer that year in Ester, Arizona. Hammond stared out the window at the desert that stretched for miles, ignoring a large bead of sweat that crept down his face. "How do these savages do it?" He thought to himself. He reached into his sterile overcoat and pulled from it a rusting pocket watch. It clashed horribly with his otherwise modern attire. Wearing a a Less than ten minutes left. He straighted his pale, bowler hat. He had paid the driver well to get this far and he wasn't about to be late.

As Hammond replaced the A large bump in the dirt road lurched the van suddenly. "Watch where your going dammnit!" Hammond barked.

The copper skinned man to his left said nothing. He was concentrating on something ahead. Hammond turned and saw their destination rising out of the desert like a lost city.

The trailer park looked like it was under a strict quarantine. Everyone in the trailer park had locked themselves inside to escape the heat wave relying on their struggling air conditioners to provide minimal relief. The dirt from the unpaved roads washed up against the trailers' hot panels, covering them in a sandpaper like texture. Only large silver numbers remained shimmering in the sunlight against the tanned sides. A girl wearing a flower patterned dress sat motionless on the steps outside of a particularly barren looking trailer labeled with a large number fourteen


========

Will you be there with me, in Eorzea?
A land of new stories and the old rebirth.
I reminisce of the days in ancient Vana'diel
Where I searched for a forbidden power
and found myself craving more than

========

If there was one thing about my father's death that bothers me, it was the fact that there were so many little details about his life that I never got to find out about. Some people like to talk about life "before

=======


Someday I will

=======

Outside
the morning shivers
the dusk in a rush
Outside
there is a perfume
mother will not share
Outside
the bat and the rat
my mouth waters
Outside
there is a rustle
an orangutang
Where is it?
Where is it?
Where is it?

=======

I am making it my top priority this semester to

==============



"Dwelling on the past is something that shouldn't be done frequently."

"Why not?"

"Because the past is insignificant to the future as a recreational tool."

"What about

============

The forest creaks loud
A cry can be heard in vain
Still the night goes on.

Autumn leaves in wind
Circle the lost grounds of sand
Now forever lost.

============

I can't seem to.

5/6/12

Dismay

Sitting on the balcony,
a grey sky hovers lower
a door opens, a door closes
a man sprinting to a taxi
a smell of mist and cigarettes
a goose silently wading by
a brush in the noisy maple
a door opens, a door closes
an engine fires away in smoke
a drop on the tar, like a gun
the rain races to greet the grass.

5/4/12

Keeper of Flies

Isolated, resting are the flies
Caught in a jar of wine
Fat and beastly, lusting in the glass

envy their ignorance.
The iron lid teases my lips

If only for a moment, to join the harem
A release of that burly frenzy
To taste the sweet scent of a harden seat

The dream, a dream in the eyes
Of the keeper of the flies.

3/29/12

Untitled

Where did you go?

The trees sway alone

Looking for a friend

But long for your grasp again.

12/3/11

Dear Beloved



For the way you hold my hand,
I feel alive,
How you stare me down with voiceless song,
I muse gaily,
The way you talk without sleights or woes,
I entrust openly,
How your touch cleanses my wounds so tenderly,
I snicker in play,
When you clear my wrongs and cheer my rights,
I grow with you,
When the storm life blows around you comes,
I will protect you,
And when the storm gales pass us by,
I will be there to rejoice,
When you sing the songs I barely know,
I feel a warmth in my soul,
During the pictures of romance and true love,
I always stop to think of only you,
When the lights dim and the covers are tight,
I cannot be without our communing souls,
And the times when I rest alone in the darkness,
I reach out to touch you with the moon and stars,
But when you're there to whisper to me your dreams,
I hold them beside the warmest coals of my burning soul

Our hearts resonate together in an undying florescent flame,
burning the symbol into us that signs, amoureux éternellement

10/30/11

Cherish, We



He spots the lustful gaze beyond the lock, but distance between is barely a thought

my hands don't seem to know the dance, but yours are there to make advance

with patterns that weave, bend, and sway, the words enfold, our fingers take

the chance to sow a seed within, designs our love determined to begin

suns rise and fall, gods live and die, but when we part the heavens cry

the seasons change and months do flow, but with them all our love does grow

like rainstorms to the taught river dam, my love will wash throughout our lands 
 
To grow our gardens that twist and turn, a bed of unquenchable lusts and yearns

We'll pluck flowers to adorn the hearth, who's beauty pails to your endless worth
 
We'll rise the vines upon the walls, making sure to gild them all.


A thousand stars kindle gardens below, but none are like the moon so bold

As you to the moon do pull my tides, forever evoking me to your side.

10/21/11

Sheet of rain upon the Garden

 
 As fresh as the dust born day left out to dry
falls upon pale earth to try its' hands
Reaching between the arid, magenta blossoms
into a forgotten hearth of acrylic clay.

The wind sighs gently as the game begins
a delicate dance across a barren sea
the uprising of deathly blossoms follows
a song of rejuvenation amidst the grasses.

Soft whispers bond in an otherworld tone
weaving secrets that ____ deep and true
overgrown by the aged sapling that sits
and awaits a new breath by the tip of its' roots.

The gardener cannot begin to realize
what the rain dreams of the garden.

10/1/11

UNTITLED



The undying, tide abiding stones.
A dark sea of reflections
calling softly his name
to ease the pain of the accursed waves.

Wander abandoned amidst the littered quarry
one last time before the dusk surf collects it's bounty,
retreats into the abyssal plain,
and seeds the free spaces along the Mariana.

Some will drift down into her heart,
Disappearing forever in a red display
of sparks twinkling out of sight...

But not forgotten, not drowned,

Resting peacefully.

Bon Nuit, Mer.
Mer de Amour.

5/23/11

Heavy Metal Lover


Heavy Metal Lover

I want your whiskey mouth all over my blonde south
Red wine, cheap perfume, and a filthy pout
Do not bring all your friends because a group does it better
White river, with ya dear, let’s have a full house and leather

Oooooo
Heavy Metal Lover
Oooooo
Heavy Metal Lover

Dirty pony I can’t wait to hose you down
You’ve got to earn your leather in this part of town
Dirty paws and a patch for all the Rivington rebels
Let’s raise hell in the streets, drink beer, and get into trouble

Oooooo
Heavy Metal Lover
Oooooo
Heavy Metal Lover

I could be your girl-girl-girl-girl-girl-girl
But would you love me if I ruled the world-world-world

Oooooo
Heavy Metal Lover

Whip me, slap me, drunk fuck
Me and carpers dunk drunk
Bud light liquors bar slut
Move if this is your jerk
Watch me light the St James
Yes I like it, appetizer
Taste of heavy metal lovers play
Baby we were born this way

Oooooo
Oooooo
Oooooo
Heavy Metal Lover
Oooooo
Heavy Metal Lover

I could be your girl-girl-girl-girl-girl-girl
But would you love me if I ruled the world-world-world

5/19/11

Waiting



And waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...

So much waiting.  It's almost as sick as being alone.

If I had a Totoro...

I would snuggle it tight!

I would rub it's belly.

I would poke it's nose...

I would... I would...


I would sleep better if I had a Totoro... <3

5/18/11

What am I missing?


 Give me strength to be passionate.

Give me strength to be patient.

Give me strength to be alone.

Give me strength to be together.

Give me strength to be reflective.

Give me strength to be active.

Give the strength to ask questions.
 
Give me the strength to seek answers.

Give me the strength to face the truth.


I am weak.

5/12/11

The Edge of Glory


18.  Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

                                                                                                                - Dalai Lama

5/8/11

Rebuilding the Great Wall

8.  Spend some time alone every day.
                                                                                                        -Dalai Lama

5/3/11

Right Shoulder Gaze



13.  In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation.  Don’t bring up the past.
              
                                                                                                                - Dalai Lama

5/2/11

No One Cries



On days the sun goes by,

You cry a song of love,

Reaching the edge of the dawn

Onward towards the horizon's final steps

Where it will wait.

And wait.

4/29/11

Poetry



I can't write poetry unless it is about nature.

Is that bad?  :-/

I need to try to break that habit.

With Fists of the Ocean -reflection-



There was once a time when I thought I had it all figured out.  The graduation, the job, the home, the family, the future. I never considered anything but the most optimistic outcome of the past.  Despite all my faults, my wrongs, and my innocence, it would work.  I would make it work.  I would outlast the change in you.

There was once a time when I would have given myself completely, even if it wasn't presented in return.  The self-sacrifice, the devotion, the unrelenting desire to make you happy.  I couldn't see myself in the looking glass, the man, worn, hollow, and sickened by fate and the inevitability of his actions.  The man who would do anything to make the looking glass shape into the image he longed most for.  I wouldn't see it, the man bending the glass with his melancholy eyes and heavy steps.  I would do it.  I would do it for you.

There was once a time when I could leave you behind.  Left behind.  Alone.  Waiting for something at the window like a dog waiting for his master to return home with food, toys, and love.  I meet that need and pushed beyond the call of duty to build you into something more.  Much more.  Sometimes, I would wonder if you even saw yourself achieving the goals carefully laid before you.  Was it just to appease my exhausted pleas or did you ever really want something more for yourself?  I would look for it.  I would find it for you.

There was once a time when I would light your fires of passion.  The kindling neatly stacked, the logs ready to be devoured, neatly topped with some magical copper flakes.  Yet, day by day, week by week, month by month, and year by year... I began to take on the task of preparing the rite of flames.  My hands became charred, my face dark with soot, my body resisting the ritual I had come to know.  Is this all?  Is this my role?  I would finally come to see.  I would finally stand alone.

But the moon is with me.

The time now is spent in quite reflection under the dark sun.  Am I selfish?  Am I thoughtless?  I am standing at the edge of the cliff over-looking the ocean and raise my fists, the fists of the ocean.  I am restless with worry and spend the night turning own myself to find what it is that I want

Suddenly, it is there, as bright and brilliant as the moon itself above.  We are not alone.

There is a sense of peace and I am free to rest in the tides.

Finale





4.  Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

                                                                                                               -Dalai Lama 

4/28/11

I Like It Rough



1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

                                                                                                               -Dalai Lama

4/27/11

Crossroads in the Badlands



dust settles on a sign
                       that groans and whispers:
" non omnis 
                moriar "
                      - Not all of me 
                                        shall die. -

sand dances on chalk stones
                       while a weathering step sounds:

" crede quod habes, 
                            et habes "
                                   - Believe that you have it, 
                                                                      and you do. -


mold on a deathly dry toad
                       cracks and grumbles a thick prose:

" aut viam inveniam 
                             aut faciam "
                                   - I will either find a way 
                                                                      or make one. -

song sparrows, muses of the desert wash, cry out, " Quid, quid faciam? "
                                                                                                                                                          
                                                                - What, what shall I do? -

4/5/11

Classwork - Spelled with a capital A-S-S

You know the feeling... when you just want to die and let everything fall apart around you.  OK... I don't mean it literally.  I mean for school work.  Like, when you have one of those moments where you say to yourself: "I'm done." or "I'll just never be able to accomplish this." Then the teacher comes over to either save the day or watch you melt into a pile of you own sorry ass self who couldn't put it together.

Right about now, I just don't want to to any of this work.  It sucks.  I don't want to do it.  I never wanted to do it.

I have to admit that being with a bunch of 7-8 Graders is pretty entertaining, but there is just way to much going on to enjoy those moments.  It feels like the teachers are just begging me with their twinkling eyes and less-than-believable smiles: "DON'T DO IT.  TURN BACK!  TURN BACK!"

I even had more than one teacher say that to my face.

"Why did you want to become a teacher?"

I don't even know how to answer that anymore.  Does, "Because I need a job to prove I can survive in the real world" count as an answer?

I mean, that's what I thought it was all for.  My father wasn't particularly happy with a few of my major life decisions, so being a teacher would prove to him that I could do it... right?

Well guess what.  Now that I don't have my father's support I feel like a hurricane that's gone too far inland.  The warm-water drive from my father is gone.  The gentle push of "Way to go Dudester!" that lead me up the coast faded away.  The currents of his happiness at the signs of my imminent success at something influential has left me swirling into the landmass known as reality.

And I am losing steam.

They say that student teaching is all about the students.

"Don't worry about us, just plan the lesson according to the student's needs."

Well guess what?  I don't even do what I plan on doing on some days.  Heck, I spend so much of my time worrying that they will do well on these assignments that I forget to even take care of my own needs.

Do you think that being a Youth Director helps any of this?  I'm working 5 days a week to try to educate these kids on the research paper, THEN I have to plan and accommodate my lessons for my youth on the weekends!

Maybe I'm just destined to be a teacher.  That's my hope speaking, right there.  Keyword: Destiny.  It helps to dull the pain when it is something inescapable.  Like death.  We don't think of death 24/7 (or... I hope you don't...) but we all understand that it is a part of life. 

Is being a teacher like death: inevitable?  Can I stand against the currents of the world and try to rebuild the support from my father to blow myself onto the path I want to follow?

Maybe we all need to blow our own storms.  Maybe we all rely too much on others to blow them for us.  The rain sure does feel nicer when you know that it's coming.

But isn't that just pessimism talking?  Rain.  Storms.  Hurricanes.  Death.  All this negative emotion. 

Don't worry.  I'm fully conscience of it.  I am aware that it is taking over my life.  That's why I made a change to the plan.  I went "out-of-bounds" as they say. 

I knew that I needed to make a change or die trying.

And so I did it.  Once a day, every morning, for the next 3 months.

Life seems more promising when you have a routine.

4/1/11

Friday, Friday, Friday... Oh how I love thee...

There are so many great things that happen on Fridays.  It just happens to be the greatest day of the WHOLE WEEK.  It's jsut one of those days where you need to have fun... because Friday and fun boh begin with an F.

In fact, let's make that a CAPITAL F in Fun.

Ok, sometimes there are conditions that might prevent an individual from reaching that capital F on a Friday. These include, but are not limited to:

Car Accidents, Major Surgery, Divorce, Root Canals, Spoiled Lunch, and Weekend Homework.

Even then, some of the items on this list... heck almost ALL of them could have some potential good in them. 

OK... maybe not the homework part.  Unless it is FUN homework.

So now we are at Friday.  The best day of the week.  My mediation is obviously working better than expected (and I didn't even have to get enibriated to enhance the effects!) so let's just keep talking about Friday for as long as I can.

I think that being in school is what truely makes Friday's worth it.  Everything about Friday seems to come from the school system.  I mean, you could always work on the weekend, but you NEVER go to school on a Sunday.  Even Saturday detention doesn't quite count.  That's basiclly for the people who don't want to be in school... or jsut want to be part of the Breakfast Club.

I know there are some people out there who are itching to blurt out: "But...but... I still enjoy my Fridays and I don't go to school!  Why would say that?!"

Let me fill you in on all the perks.

First, being in school is actually a good time.  WHAT?  Did I jsut say that?  Ok, let me clarify.  I'm not saying being in school 24/7 is always the best thing since sliced bread.  I am saying that you kind-of-have-to-be-here-anyways-so-make-the-best-of-it.  Where would you have met all of your friends from school?  Around the neighborhood?  If your neighborhood is anything like mine, there's a bunch of old folks locked in their homes and two toddlers who run around with their heads cut off from 10AM-4PM (on the non-rainy days).

To be continued... back to school...

3/30/11

The Big W

What is the big W?  It could be one of a variety of things.  I prefer to make it simple.  Identify the problem and attack directly. 

So where do I begin? 

It all started when the big W became something more than a special talent that I figured could carry me a while through my education and future careers.  It was more than something that I found lying on the side of my garbage.  It described me: the past, the present, and the unobtainable future.  It was something I could use for my own success, but I never meant for it to get this way.

The tumultuous W that has invaded my life has begun to grow like a stale weed in my flower bed of dreams.  It is growing out of control and is choking everything around it.  There isn't enough weed killer in the world to end it. 

It just won't end.

3/23/11

Chicken Parm on Wednesdays

There once was a time when I would have given anything in the world to go back and change everything.  How original right?  Who doesn't have that dream?   I'll tell you who.  They're known as the "I'm going to be happy with the way things are" people.  Alternatively, they are known as the people who need to feel better than YOU to move on with their day.

Maybe I'm just pessesmistic.  I use to think of myself as optimistic... most of the time... alright maybe not.  Maybe I was one of those people!  I needed to make you all feel terrible about the world so I could feel better about mine.  I guess I just confessed something to you.  More like to myself really.  That's how it feels sometimes.  Like writing is for the self.

I don't believe that writing for the self truly exists.  Somewhere in my head, I hope... no YEARN for someone to read this.  Why would I post this online on a blog in the first place?  That's what makes this exciting.  The fact someone might read this and say to themselves, "Hey, that guy has a point!" or "I wonder why he feels that way?"  or "Why should I give a damn?!"

Well, I hope you give a damn!  That's the point of this post.

Well, that's not true either.  This post is about me.  Selfish, need-it-all, me! 

This would be a good time to describe myself as the fat, lazy, pimpled, 4 eyed, computer freak that everyone would be stereotyping as.  It doesn't really matter if I'm a boy or a girl... but I sure do sound like a bitch!  That's all that counts right now.  My voice.  My son-of-a-bitch voice that you are putting up with.

 If you've made it this far and you've survived the ranting, I am surprised!  I almost want to give up right now and spare you and myself the horror of what waits in this post.

But that wouldn't be fair.  Not now.  Not that I've made it this far.  That's what separates me from what I would consider a failure.  A miserable failure.  Lurking in the abyss of my bed sheets and crawling out to gasp a brief breath of bologna on white before diving back to the depths.

It's not really that bad.  There's chicken parm with Mom in between on Wednesdays or Thursdays... if she feels like it.  When I really get spicy I might cook up a chicken breast in oil with spices... it's really my fault that I don't eat as well as I should.  I just like the company.  Food + People = Meal.  I would eat just the bologna if I could eat it with someone else!

I think that's the primary reason for bitchiness.  Loneliness.  It's an interesting word to look at.  LONELINESS.

Not a very lonely word.  Lots of letters!  Maybe it's more about the spaces in between the letters... like the number of spaces between the L's and the N's and the closeness of the S's.  It seems a little wierd at first.  But just look at it!  It screams symbolism!  Do I need to spell it out for you?!

Ok, maybe I'm taking your knowledge for granted or imposing my ideas on your brains... maybe that's a little too aggressive.  I NEED TO BE AGGRESSIVE.  Where am I going to go if I'm not aggressive? 

One sec... gotta pee.

Alright, bladder's empty.  Time to keep going.

I wonder what people would want to know about me?  What would I want to know about me?  I'm not sure I want to answer that question.  I don't even want to know me anymore.  I'm just sick and tired of that guy!

Maybe I want to change myself.  I want to change myself.  I want to enjoy myself I want to be in the presence of myself I want to be able to mediate with myself.

Damn that's selfish!  But I need more me time that doesn't involve a 12+ hour nap and a 5AM wake up call.  Even now, sitting with the laptop on my knees in front of the television at a friend's house so I could focus on my project due Friday at midnight, I still feel like I could drift off to sleep at any moment.

...

... alright that's a cue.  Time to log off. 

It's been fun posting.  I hope I can do it again soon.  Maybe.

-K

12/7/10

The Meadow Song - draft

Along a whisper of prairie grass,
a bellowing pitch of a merciful raptor driven to unbend the earth.

She cries and cries for the meadow song,


The split holly tree hangs itself in reservation.

12/2/10

Never forget.

Happy Birthday,

The light at the end of the tunnel... is a crossroad?

I am slowly running out of gas, as usual.

My drive to write poetry has been squashed by depression and ruined dreams, tired and angry fits, selfish and selfless acts that seem to blend together to form a word:

Sacrifice.

It is almost 12PM, the day before my classes inevidably start again and I try to make myself pull together the workload I've waded into these past few weeks.  Being a teacher nowadays is more of a mathmatical process than a creative art of learning.  Trying to cram in standards and look professional while putting on the mask that screams: I DO CARE.  A LOT.

The terrible dreams of terrible things and the angry feelings I muse over between classes and headaches make me wonder why I'm not a drunk wasting myself on cheap Budweiser or Mike's Hardcore-Drinks-For-Studs making a fool of myself, alone, and desperate for something I couldn't and cannot seem find.

The trouble is being certainly uncertain when driving down the road with a tank of gas that whispers softly how $40 isn't going to get you anywhere.  But it takes some cash to be different in my '95 Wrangler.

Being different isn't so easy as cash, but being difficult... now there is something that most people find easy enough.  It kind of looks like a child being told it's wrong and watching the tantrum build into a fountain of torture.

But something is missing amidst the pangs behind my eyes, between the pages of the stories that flood my head as I drive aimlessly to my destination, listening to soundtracks that promise escape isn't too far away.  What am I missing... What am I missing... nothing seems to fill the void besides the sloppy pile of papers strewn about my bed like some lover had come to take me in the night in the form of some crayons, notebooks, and packets.

It's really gross.

Like a reflection of my brain, disected across my room in the form of clothes, bags, and wires I am not ready.

I am not ready at all.

Send me in... I dare you.  Because right now, it wouldn't even phase me to fail and cross my name off the chalkboard to escape into the sweet bliss of namelessness and zombie brain.

Surviving being educated is an adventure in itself.

10/18/10

Slivers of Oak


Slump soft and heavy across the threshold
sounds the basket as it hits the floor, dull and thick
sheding the musk of some contaminated oak.

the reek of endurance.

Clicks and hums automatic with babble echoes
generate that faint easing ring that permeates
dead eyes and salt water lips from-                                                                                                     
a man
locked in discord;
alone with slivers of oak he holds

a face
whittled kind and cruel
from the edges of a wind shank
taking care to preserve some texture
while etching off wasted skin.
 
Beneath reveals a bare distortion
red with scars and ruby with flesh
that gasps at the rank fumes.

the beauty of the scene.

beyond life,
the inescapable depression in the dirt.

9/12/10

The Yellow Paper (working title) - to be continued...

 
 
Thud.

The cat jumps angrily as the bag hits the floor rolling aggressively, spilling the contents across the floor like the entrails of a fresh kill.

Dammit.

For a moment, it looks as though she just might collapse on the bed right then and there, but then again, she argues to herself, it would just lead to that awkward period of listening to the nearby computer clicking every few seconds and the sounds of the cat ruffling through the contents of the bag.

Some higher power puppeteers her down to the floor where she awkwardly cleans the new mess. The cat watches silently from it's spot on the bed as she crams the assortment of notebooks, make-up, papers and small electronics back into the bag unceremoniously not seeming to notice a few pieces of laundry caught in between.

She hovers across a path on the floor into the desk chair causing it to hiss softly with her weight. Fingers begin to work at the keyboard even before the screen comes to life.

The world flashes in brief LED blips reflected on her glasses. After a few minutes her pupils suddenly dilate.

DAMMIT.

Piles of books and clothes fly through the air as she dives for the bag, tearing through it. A soft alarm sounds from her computer at just the same moment. Without looking she hits the keyboard and a woman's face appears in the corner of the screen.

“Hey lady! Are you there? You weren't answering your phone earlier.”

She ignores the voice as she tears through the few remaining things left in the bag.

“WOMAN. At least say something so I know you're alive...”

An angry growl erupts beneath a nearby pile.
“Wow, you sound a little pissy today Lady. What's the matter? Did Geegee get into your box o' nasties again? ”

Suddenly she emerges clutching a very disgruntled looking piece of yellow paper and rushes to the desk.

“I've really got to come over there someday and get that place straightened out. You'd be much happier without all that crap around. I'm sure Geegee wouldn't complain either.”

Without looking up she begins to rub the yellow sheet across the corner of the desk in an attempt to make it look less neglected.

“Anyway, did you get that video text I sent you? I almost died when I saw that thing walking down the street. It was H-U-L-A-R-U-S hilarious!”
“It's spelled H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S.” she mutters, now looking for a writing implement.

The woman doesn't even notice the correction and continues, “Lady, it was so funny. It was like watching an elephant from Dr. Seuss go Gothic. I thought I was going to vomit it was so disgusting! It's one of those things you just have to watch once in your life to be complete.”

Having found a pencil she began to write furiously across the paper.

“So, what ARE you doing over there? Did you forget to hand in your paperwork again? I told you yesterday the deadline was today. Don't you ever listen to me? Sheesh. I handed mine in weeks ago.”

She reached for the half-emptied bag, nearly tossing Geegee in the process who had decided to fuss with the remains of the bag while she was preoccupied.

“Val, can you feed Geegee for me?”

“Sure Lady, whatever you say. I'll be over right after-”

“Thanks Val.” She interrupted, turning off her computer and rushing out the door in one swift motion.

Thud.

The door slammed shut and she tore off down the street with her bag in one hand and the yellow sheet in the other. An angry meow from her bag nearly made her jump in the subway station.

“Geegee... What the hell...”

She thought for a moment of dumping the cat right there in the station, but was interrupted with the train's arrival.