You know the feeling... when you just want to die and let everything fall apart around you. OK... I don't mean it literally. I mean for school work. Like, when you have one of those moments where you say to yourself: "I'm done." or "I'll just never be able to accomplish this." Then the teacher comes over to either save the day or watch you melt into a pile of you own sorry ass self who couldn't put it together.
Right about now, I just don't want to to any of this work. It sucks. I don't want to do it. I never wanted to do it.
I have to admit that being with a bunch of 7-8 Graders is pretty entertaining, but there is just way to much going on to enjoy those moments. It feels like the teachers are just begging me with their twinkling eyes and less-than-believable smiles: "DON'T DO IT. TURN BACK! TURN BACK!"
I even had more than one teacher say that to my face.
"Why did you want to become a teacher?"
I don't even know how to answer that anymore. Does, "Because I need a job to prove I can survive in the real world" count as an answer?
I mean, that's what I thought it was all for. My father wasn't particularly happy with a few of my major life decisions, so being a teacher would prove to him that I could do it... right?
Well guess what. Now that I don't have my father's support I feel like a hurricane that's gone too far inland. The warm-water drive from my father is gone. The gentle push of "Way to go Dudester!" that lead me up the coast faded away. The currents of his happiness at the signs of my imminent success at something influential has left me swirling into the landmass known as reality.
And I am losing steam.
They say that student teaching is all about the students.
"Don't worry about us, just plan the lesson according to the student's needs."
Well guess what? I don't even do what I plan on doing on some days. Heck, I spend so much of my time worrying that they will do well on these assignments that I forget to even take care of my own needs.
Do you think that being a Youth Director helps any of this? I'm working 5 days a week to try to educate these kids on the research paper, THEN I have to plan and accommodate my lessons for my youth on the weekends!
Maybe I'm just destined to be a teacher. That's my hope speaking, right there. Keyword: Destiny. It helps to dull the pain when it is something inescapable. Like death. We don't think of death 24/7 (or... I hope you don't...) but we all understand that it is a part of life.
Is being a teacher like death: inevitable? Can I stand against the currents of the world and try to rebuild the support from my father to blow myself onto the path I want to follow?
Maybe we all need to blow our own storms. Maybe we all rely too much on others to blow them for us. The rain sure does feel nicer when you know that it's coming.
But isn't that just pessimism talking? Rain. Storms. Hurricanes. Death. All this negative emotion.
Don't worry. I'm fully conscience of it. I am aware that it is taking over my life. That's why I made a change to the plan. I went "out-of-bounds" as they say.
I knew that I needed to make a change or die trying.
And so I did it. Once a day, every morning, for the next 3 months.
Life seems more promising when you have a routine.
No comments:
Post a Comment