2/27/08

The Lady's Song


In the deep of the night,
Arthur sturred in his room,
Too many things riddled his mind,
His thoughts poisonous seeds,
There was only the choice,
To make or break it,
And Arthur rose from his bed,
Unsure of what to do,
As he paced back and forth,
Only one thing could clear his head,
The thought of that sword,
Legendary, Magestic, Pure, Heroic,
Everything he wanted to be,
It was a mystery to be solved,
Something that rumors say,
Only a King could master,
But while Arthur wanted to be King,
His desire for the sword was greater,
In the cover of night,
Arthur escaped the fortress,
And traveled up to the ancient stones,
Where Excalibur still stood tall,
Embedded amongst the stones,
In the moonlight shining,
Blinding it from Arthur's sight,
As Arthur approached,
The ground trembled slightly,
And the air grew heavy,
Weighed by tension,
Excalibur had awakened,
Arthur continued towards the searing light,
Eager to see the blade,
Wanting to feel it,
Wanting to remember it,
Wanting to uncover it,
Wanting to claim it,
Just as the moon disappeared behind clouds,
Excalibur began to burn the air,
Waves of passion fell upon Arthur,
He wanted to fall to his knees and worship,
He wanted to give thanks for this holy relic,
He wanted to make Excalibur known to him,
But as he approached the sword,
A great magick grasped him,
And Arthur was frozen,
Unsure of what wrong he had done,
But Excalibur had decided,
And without a sound slid away,
Escaping its stoned prison with ease,
And flew to the boy,
But as Arthur reached out and took the sword,
He turned from boy to man,
And the air,
Intensified,
Beyond words,
Time frozen,
Endless,
Thoughtless,
Needless,
Hopeless,
Existance,
Being,
And quietly the air returned,
The weight now returned to the blade,
The clouds uncovered the moon,
White as snow,
Revealing in the light Arthur,
Red as the rose,
And Excalibur in his hand,
Black as ebony,
King Arthur took the blade down to the lake,
And stood at the water's edge,
Gazing into the translucent mirror,
Looking down at,
His sweated brow,
His tainted tunic,
His darkened relic,
But then a voice called to him,
And Arthur raised his head,
As the Lady of the Lake rose again,
And begged for her blade,
The blade she desired most,
One that she had given,
Her Son of God,
But Arthur stood strong,
Singing the sword's song,
Breaking the reflection in the water,
He turned away,
Returning to his kingdom,
Leaving the Lady of the Lake,
Alone in the moonlight,
As she sung the sword's song back,
Like a mother calling for a lost child.

2/26/08

Digress to Regress to Progress.


The eyes, they were, so very different,
The shape, of her, it is so frail,
My eyes, describe, the edges meek,
My head, engrained, with seeds of dust,
O' Where, pray tell, is the plant pot,
O' Where, my lord, are your children,
You've lost, them all, between your fingers,
You've lost, our hope, our dreams of living,
We'll gain, your feet, and walk in silence,
We'll gain, your soul, and try to break it,
Grant thus, pursue, and live forever,
Grant thus, renew, and become undone,
Have faith, move on, live life as we see it.
Have faith, step down, and bow before their feet.
No, That can't be all there is. There must be much more.
No, I won't do it again. I will not suffer.
I feel it now. I have felt it. I will feel it.
I am. .

I'm always cold.


Maybe I didn't realize it as much because I didn't know what being warm was like.





Now I'm addicted to being warm.

2/24/08

Self-Examination Terminated


There is no need for it now. I have decided that, if I were to pick myself apart, I would discover that I am made up of many things. And you know what? They are all way to dynamic to look at individually. It would take my whole life and then some afterlife time to finish most of it. Ofcourse there are some things that will never change about me. Those are the things that have impacted me so deeply that, for better or worst, they will always come back to haunt me. It doesn't bother me as much anymore since I've come to this conclusion. It isn't me just "pushing it off" or shoving it into a corner for later. I am who I am. I am a predictable, dynamic, selfish, selfless, beautiful, ugly, self-loathing, appreciative, religious, faithless, true, false, unknowledgable, creative, understanding, one sided, accepting, rejecting, carefree, burdened, reminiscent, foreseeing, present, feeling, thoughtless and thoughtful, know what I want and don't want, know what I'll try and won't try, know my limits... and don't know them sometimes, not a drunk, not a druggie, high-on-life (believe me, it's got good parts), don't need anyone except the handful I've chosen, I am a seer, a teacher, a divine, a prophet, a mediator, a sacrifice, a rightious, a demon, a worm (sometimes), a virus, an epidemic, a thought, a poison uncured, a potent elixir, a short arm, a strong-will, a lazy ass, a procrastinator, a day-dreamer, a believer, a non-believer, an unconvincing, self-rightous anti-hero who just wants to be himself. And thats what I'm doing. Because I realize now that if I didn't like who I was, then that is not who I would be trying to be. I don't hate myself. I hate some things I do. I hate looking at those things very much. I hate what I've done to people and myself sometimes. But you know what? At least I'm not a phony. There are too many phonies in this world. I don't like 'em. So to all of you phonis out there, "I am who I am. Why can't you just be who you are?" And if they don't know the answer to that... then I say forget everything and just do what you do, feel what you feel, be what you want as long as it's real. Don't look up to others if you are trying to find yourself. They aren't you. You are you. And I must say, I'm kinda cute.

2/22/08

Industrious Examination


Can you see the beauty inside of me?

What happened to the beauty I had inside of me...

(Wherever it is... I will find it.)

Where's...

I'm cold.

2/20/08

Internally Struck


Extreme heat.

Back away.

Too close.

Too much.

My blood races.

The sheets are scattered.

Beads drip down my forehead.

Only breathing through the mouth.

My nose screams.






Then quietly...
A Chill...
Coldness...
First my feet...
Then my legs...
My hands...
My arms...
Shivering...
Trying to breath...
Only gasps...
Pulling at my last sheet...
Convulsions...
So cold...
Must stay warm...
Reaching to my side...
Nothing there...
Diagonal lines...
Shear winds...
Beyond bumps of fright...
Chattering teeth...
Coldness...
Aloneness...
Fingerless...
Memoriless...
No feelings left...
Just cold...
So cold...
Please hold me...
Nothing left behind my eyes...
Pop them out...
Shread off my face...
No breathing...
Except by the mouth...
A hoarse rasp...
Stuttering in the air...
So cold...
Need heat...
Need sleep...
Need to breath...
Help me...
Choke your name as I fight...
Choking...
Choughing...
Fluid...
Coldnesses...
Drugs...
My body remains unaffected...
Please help...
Sleep...
Warmth...
Hold me...
Please...
Now...
Like an addict...
I want it...
So much more...
No movement...
No growing...
Only fighting...
In my head...
Escape me...
SSsssssslllllleeeeeeeeeepppppppppp...

Ccccoooolllllddddd...

IIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...

Wwwwaaaannnntttt...

Mmmmyyyyyy...

.................................

2/18/08

Immoral Signet


The brightly colored polos, The denim jeans, The rings on rings, The small chuckle, The deep smile, The warm hands, The cold hands, The sicknesses, The despair, The memories, The weight, The burden, The long trek, The molested feet, The fuzzy chin, The naked eyes, The defined brow, The buddha, The joy, The singing, The heritage, The voices, The music, The fingers, The sadness, The painful touch, The hardened heart, The tears, The obsession, The intamacy, The passion, The isolation, The reminicing, The movement, The emotions, The touch, The moments, The kisses...

These are a few reasons why,
I don't just want to wait.
I want to be patient too.

These memories we are creating,
I want them for my own.
I wish them to mean more than the others.

These rustic picture frames in my mind,
I wish to put them away.
I replace them with the silver ones.

These images I've created,
I replace the illusion of them.
I don't want just a mirage.

I want you to hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me...

I want you.

Why?

'cause I'm selfish.

Obsession

Deep in the night...
Far off the light...
Missing my headache...

Visions of light...
Sweeter delight...
Kissing my loveache...

How come I must know...
Where obsession needs to go...
How come I must know...
Where this passion hides its feeling?

How come I must know...
Where obsession needs to go...
How come I must know...
The direction of releaving...

2/16/08

In the cold night, In a forgotten room


In the cold night,
In a forgotten room,
We were there,
Enjoying our sweetnesses.
As the clock struck midnight,
And every second that past into morning,
I began to lose my self control.
I wanted them, but I couldn't...
Not yet...
We didn't exist,
But I wanted to see them...
I wanted to touch them...
I wanted to worship them...
I wanted to break my will...
But all I could do was bite my lip,
And watch as time slipped by,
And my self control unwind...
Until I couldn't stop myself...
I could hear the voices in my head,
Debating our options...
And all I could conclude was that they...
Were not We...
But...
We could try.
We could try.
We could try.
And using my strength I urged them onward...
Pushing them to the edge,
Watching them struggle,
Wanting so badly to see them relinquished...
And suddenly they stopped me...
And told me to release myself...
Before they did themselves...
Such a selfless act...
Such a small sacrifice...
But only to make certain...
Each other wasn't selfish...
And I tried to do it...
But it was not possible...
Only Arthur could claim Excalibur.
I am no longer his master.
But still I tried.
And I ran far.
To the edge.
I tried to push them over.
They pushed me back.
And I fell upon them...
Shivering...
Because I...
Or rather...
We...
Did not exist...
And I was selfish...
But they understood...
Me...
For who I was...
And every second that past after...
I wished I could do something...
Or rather...
Everything...
And I tried to stop from shaking,
But my hand quivered.
They took my hand.
My head rested on them for a while.
This body here,
These bodies together,
Meant everything.
As dawn began to advance,
My luck began to retreat,
But one question still remained,
And I asked why...
Why is it...
When we kiss...
It is different...
Than the others...
I wanted to know...
More than anything...
What they had felt...
What they had felt before.
They stood up and took my body.
There was a pause,
Then,
A violent torrent attacked me.
And I understood completely...
I understood completely...
Because I too...
Had been attacked before...
And when We understood...
I could feel us touching...
Beyond mere caressing...
Beyond mere memories...
Beyond mere thoughts...
We were touching...
Or rather...
Converging.
But as I glanced out the window,
Into the dark night,
I could feel the sun burning on the edge of the horizon,
Eager to get on with the day.
All I could think about then...
Was how happy I was I didn't have to work on Sunday.

2/15/08

Losing Control


Roses are soaring like birds without feathers,
Dancing in red and white petals of laughter,
Why can't I seem to see past these old blinds?
Where are the answers I'm trying to find...

Is it right here...
Was it once there...
Is it far behind?

And maybe there isn't an answer at all.
I just have to look inside.

Noses are kissing and singing out gaily,
Great walls are falling and Mongols invading,
Day doesn't seem as important as night...
Why must I try to bite back and to fight?

If there was us...
Just between us...
Nothing would be right...

There'd only be two broken halves joined in song,
And singing we'd reach new heights...

Kisses are countless and fingers are feeling,
If we could, I'd bet we'd be on the ceiling,
Memories are breaking and fading away...
Instead you're here and I am your prey.

Just caressing,
Some undressing,
And a scar or two...

But nothing that could make me stumble or sway,
From meeting you twice in one day...





I could keep going, but I fear the birds in my head might start attacking me!

2/13/08

Wednesday


I focus my mind.
Focus.
Seek the truth.
See it now.
I open my eyes.

Foward.

Leaping ahead.

To the edge.

I see the wave.

Coming.

Grasping his hand.

Frozen in fears.

I await the water.

Approaching.

Looking at the hand.

Sinking in sand.

Eyes kiss goodbye.

Holding on.

Not letting go.

Water,
Sand,
Foam,
Sand,
Water,
Foam.

No air.

Nothing,

but his hand...

still holding on...

to me...

And then my alarm at 10:45 woke me up. It had been going off every five minutes since 6:30 so I can't blame it for being mad. My bedroom was a mess, but considering I am never there to enjoy it for more than sleep it didn't bother me today. My underwatered spider plants reached for the sunlight coming in through the windows. The small pile of books at the side of my bed looked at me in shame as I got up and ignored them. My clothes were downstair anyway so I grabbed a pile of dirty laundry and brought those with me. There is little to no heat in my room, but it was still colder in the kitchen. My mother began asking questions, but I shook her off with a promised talk after a shower. During the shower I thought about what I was doing today, but couldn't come up with anything above the average. My books continued to scold me while I was dressing and packing my stuff. A friend called and asked if I wanted to go window shopping, which was code for compulsive-buying-to-make-myself-feel-better. On my way to his house it was raining. I picked him up and we drove to the mall. It began to rain harder. I saw a comic book and he saw a movie so we got those to satisfy ourselves. On our way to the restaurant we always went to it began raining even harder. When we got inside, there was no generic background music playing to entertain us while we ate. It was very dry inside the empty dinning room. There were only two other people there besides us. I stared out the window and watched the rain while paying the check with my debit card. I flipped up my phone and sent a quick text message. When we got back to my car the rain stopped. I looked for my phone to check if there was a reply to my message, but I couldn't find it. We drove back to the resaurant. The waitress didn't seem helpful. The manager didn't care. I left my number on a napkin knowing it would be tossed once I was out the door. On the highway I called my phone using my friend's, but no one answered. I sat in silence all the way back to my house. I activated my old phone, reported my other as missing or stolen, and then took my friend home. He didn't mind waiting. On my way back to my house for the second time it started to rain again. I opened my driver-side window and reached out my hand into the darkness. Rain pelted my fingers, my plam, my arm, and my face. I looked next to me at the empty passenger seat. My right hand flinched. I turned back to the road. I rolled up my window. I down shifted. I kept going.

But I still couldn't stop missing him.

2/11/08

What I was doing...

I spent my posting time posting a response to a post that most certainly needed one.
Here was the post and the response I gave:

POST

Should I offer up my fleshy blade?
Passion wrought and lusty-made...
Would you offer your sword too?
Or 'haps a chalice of rosy dew?
Perchance you offer the Holy Grail?
Your tender skin both blushed and pale...
The cup, this man, both white and red...
I'll comb you smooth and stroke your head.
To sup the wine that lies within...
But dare not break the holy skin?
And if by your word, you shall know me...
Than in that act we'll be made Holy.
So when you're ready; the act conveyed...
I'll give you the stars, and they'll never fade.



All in due time.


RESPONSE

I sit here now and hear your voice...
And understand it's not your choice.
To pull the sword from another's side...
Is making the choice to live or die.
We see those around us fail or lie...
Only half of them seem to survive.
What scares me most of this covenant...
Is how to some it seems irrelivant.
How simple it is to have your heat...
And fuse together those incomplete.
The road that I had chosen to walk...
Is one where there is one line of chalk.
I guess this fight that we want to end...
Stops when you and I can both depend...
Not on one hand to feel ahead...
But on two hands to grasp instead.


I...


or rather...


We...

2/8/08

Blood



My breath wasn't my own,
My lips weren't my own,
My body wasn't my own.

I couldn't stop.
I wouldn't stop.
I should...

"Control..."

Suddenly the world returned to us.
Our hearts were racing fast.
Time resumed again.

But what was a goodbye was only a beginning.
Everything stopped except for us once more.
Control did not exist.

A hand on their chest,
A hand on my back,

A tight grip.

Claws dragging down my spine,
Peeling away my layers of memories.

I try to ignore them,
but there is too much there.
I can feel the memories upon me.

My eyes saw terrible things.
My heart screamed for mercy.
My head arched away.

They pause for a moment,

But it was not their fault.

My hand met theirs and urged them onward,
A quest to scrap off those horrible memories began,
The memories I will never forget.



Later that morning,

I stared at the marks on my back.

They reminded me of my feet.

My scarred feet,

Which I had bleed not so long ago,

Shuddered beneath my own touch.

How had I done such things?

My hands caressed the horizontal lines on my feet,

And the vertical lines on my back.

"No Blood.", I said to my reflection in the mirror.


No Blood.

2/7/08

Connect the dots


Now we are huddled together in the cold.
I feel their arms, their hands, their face.
They are still chilled, but I alone cannot warm them completely.
I see them staring back at me.
Their fingers graze my hair like sheep.
My eyes close and my body relaxes.
Slowly, their fingers move down my face.
My forehead,
My brows,
My eyes,
My nose,
My cheeks,
My lips.
They stop.
Something about these teases them.
My eyes open slowly and peer into their eyes.
Those deep, soul black eyes.
They want them for their own.
They want me.
The condition is...me.

"Do you want my lips?"

"yes."

there was a short pause before I replied:

"Then they are yours..."

2/6/08

What I listen to on rainy days

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
[softly]
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

2/5/08

It's only here when you are

What is happening to me...

I won't ever be the same...

I've lost my metaphysical virginity...

And now there is no going back...

But I don't mind it here on the other side of the fence...

I can sit here with them...

I can listen to them...

And suddenly it doesn't seem so bad...

Not that what is happening to me at this moment is bad...

But the thoughts of being alone...

They are breaking...

I am on the thin ice now...

It is cracking...

And I want to jump...

And shatter the glassy surface...

And plunge into the depths of...

God.

2/4/08

Writer's Spasm

Is there such thing as writer's spasm? I shall call it: Inspiration!

Why must I go back?

Down the hallway I walk with my backpack at my side. People are pushing past me. I enter the classroom silently. Everyone else had arrived on time. Finding a seat was most easy and difficult. On the first day the seat you choose means everything. If the teacher asks you to remain where you are seated for the rest of the term, then that is where you stay. My fellow classmates talk gaily as I rest my head in my arms on the desk. They have no idea, but neither do I.

I small tap on my shoulder makes me look up through my sleeves. A girl is hunched over the length of a desk and is peering at me. She asks if I brought my calculator to class. I tell her it was on the syllabis, ofcourse I do. Then she asks if a scientific calculator would be fine. I tell her we were required a graphing one. She asks if that's what I have. I say yes. Then she whips out her brand new graphing calculator and asks if she can import any games I might happen to have. I tell her I only have one: Two Player Bomberman.

2/3/08

I might have thought that once, but never again.

I am scared. Yes, I am scared. I am terrified. I am a wreck. There is finally one person who understands what, who, and why. There is one person who stands out amongst the rest. That is what scares me.

I thought it would be easier to be alone. They understand. I thought it would be easier to pass. They understand. I wanted to have a family. Children. A life. They understand.

It is so good. Like a comfort food that I haven't had in years, or even my whole life. There is someone who will play with my hair when my hands aren't. There is someone who doesn't judge me for who I was. There is someone who wants me for who I am, not what I look like (although calling me cute is nice too). There is someone with that perfect sense of humor, those eyes, the foresight. There is someone who can see where I can't and lead me there. There is someone who is traveling with me. There is someone who cries. There is someone to cry with as well. There is someone to have fun with. There is someone to embrace. There is someone who understands what I mean without words. There is someone who has taken my phrase, and I theirs.

We are starting to spin around each other like two stars around each other. I cannot escape the force of gravity between them. I try to search for an escape route, but I stop myself. There is no need for one. Any pain that comes to us is one I will carry. And you know what? That scares me. It scares me that whatever happens, this is something that will never go away. I will always know that I have found at least one person to connect to my brain and read my mind with thier fingers. And even if they don't... these words are here. And you know what? Anyone can read them.

These words of mine are a click away. And while that scares everyone I know... I'm not. My thoughts are not venomous. They are not innappropriate. I might have thought that once, but never again.

What do you do?

What can I do? If you think about it, my heart begins to speak to itself, but if I think about it then it stops completely. What a problem. How about something fun? We shall try that. Yes, we shall try.

2/2/08

The Great Wall of China


I walk forward now. To the end of the pier. I watch the water for a while. The wind is blowing my hair across my face. I don't mind it though. It lightly touches my eyelashes. It's the next closest thing to a hand on my face.

The sea breeze bounces down my jacket. I shiver, but the air is warm. My mouth begins to frown. There is no one else. I am alone. Not even God could touch me here.

The waves are breaking slowly. The sky is dancing with color. Orange, Purple, and Blue together in harmony. The clouds are reaching for the horizon. The sun pauses for me. The moment sits still.

Suddenly, my ears are alive with sound. I can hear laughing, singing, dancing, crying, moaning, screaming.

My fingers are alive with touch. I can feel someone sharing, holding, caressing, grasping, pulling, beating.

I am back to where I began. Tears roll down my cheeks. My hand moves to my lips as they begin to quiver. My body is in a heap. I grab my sides. I am alone. I am selfish.

The sun resumes its course. The clouds disappear. The colors fade away. The sky darkens. The waves remain static.

It is late now. A gentle breeze tickles my face. It is cold, but I do not shiver. I look up into the black night. The moon illuminates the pier. I stand up slowly like a puppet. There is no reason to go back, but it is not my choice.

Then my ears come alive again. This time it comes from the breach way. I look behind me and spot someone. They come towards me. I turn back and stare solemnly at the water. My eyes focus to a point on the horizon that doesn't exist.

They are next to me now. Nothing is said. They turn to me. I remain focused on my nothingness, but I notice. Without warning they pull me close. I am suddenly being embraced.

My body begins to shake. I don't know what to do, but I rest my head on their chest. I hear their heart rythmically pounding. It doesn't change at all. They are warmer than the breeze. Their voice shatters the sounds in my head. I am hopelessly lost now. I squeeze them back. I don't want to let go. I don't want to be alone. I am not alone anymore.

Our hands meet. Then we turn and head down the pier. As we step off the pier, I turn back one last time and catch a glimpse of a small girl standing where I had been. She is watching the static waves, the glowing moon, and the black sky.

She is alone. But I am not.

2/1/08

Chinchilla

I am a chinchilla.