For the past few months I've been noticing a change. I wondered when it would happen. Whether it would be good or bad has always plagued my mind... but all I know now is that every day, every time I step outside and look up to the sky... I am amazed at how beautiful it is. There is no photographer in the world who could capture this beauty, no artist who could imitate the beauty of the sky above me with an endless array of colors, shapes, and designs to choose from. I know this is a sign of the change happening inside me. I can feel myself slowly slipping away, for better or worst, into a different state of mind. What will happen to my old self? Where will the old me go? How different is the new me?
Do I like the new me? Do I want a new me?
Am I really changing? How can I NOT change? I am afraid of the change. And then there is another part of me that wants to accelerate that change so that I can know the new me, embrace it, understand it. I feel like I am unsure of everything I once thought I was so sure of. I feel like a teenager again. I was suppose to be solidifying my grounds, not breaking new ones. I need to disconnect for a while. I haven't been doing any meditation exercises in a long time. Reading high school level books isn't helping me feel any more certain of myself that's for sure.
And I have been keeping a promise to myself: I won't regret yesterday. It is hard sometimes and I usually don't get everything done I want to get done... but if I do at least one good thing that is worth going to sleep thinking about, then I am successful until I wake up tomorrow and I do it again. I can't please everyone and everyone can't please me... it is a fact of life. I am not sorry, because I am wrong.
