If I could count the ways
the ways I've failed you
there would be only my hand
full of gold plated pieces.
How robbed of spirit must one be?
11/23/13
8/20/13
Just a Memory
For a brief moment, I remembered the feeling of having my dad in my life.
And only now can I see just how much everything has really changed.
8/2/13
Spiritual Damage
According to my therapist, I am a very spiritually damaged person.
It all started when I said there was no way to reach him anymore. Like an invisible, impenetrable barrier that death pulled him through. No matter how hard I beg, cry, or fight against it, nothing will change his fate.
I will be here. All I have left of him now are memories, dreams, and the occasional note or label I find scrawled in his distinct handwriting hiding in the basement.
It was kind of like realizing that your legs are actually wooden pegs you've been hobbling on for a long, long time.
Arrrrrr mates. A storm be brewin.
7/9/13
7/4/13
Idiots Guide to: The Universe
Out of nothing, which lasted (infinite) ages, something happened.
Something expanded into nothing for billions upon billions of a second (p) until second wave hits.
Law of Gravity
Then other laws follow.
We are at the end of an invisible line drawn from God to us through space, time, and matter.
Nothing slowly reclaims all matter as we drift into it. We are consumed.
Nothing exists once again for (infinite) ages, until something happens again.
(Thinking of God trying to spark two stones for an eternity.)
6/20/13
Harry Potter
I'm not completely obsessed with Harry Potter, but I love listening to the audiobooks so much that I've basically memorized them. You couldn't quote the books wrongly around me! I really just use them as a way to relax. The themes and flawed characters keep me coming back.
Totally one of those "Harry Potter Generation" kids. Grew up with Harry and still learning from him and the rest of the gang! Now if only I could make my way to Harry Potter World... :-)
6/15/13
A little bit of time
It seems life moves differently on medication. Like instead of being anxious most of the day and not being able to move on from some things, I can now relax a bit more and the small hiccups aren't the mountains they use to be.
For example, instead of every other ant hill being a mountain, they are all now just ant hills. There will always be ants, but the ants and their hills are way less significant than the rest of the yard before me.
6/12/13
My Fault
It always is and always will be my fault.
And the only way to change things is obviously to remove the fault.
6/11/13
Full Day
10 kids.
No items.
Final Destination.
Yep, it happens some days and some days are just full of hate!
6/10/13
More more more!
Today is just another day. More frowns, more gloom, more doom. Gotta be prepared for what life throws at you... Like losing full time summer hours you were depending on. Now you have to pull back and reassess. Find the important details, skip the others. Don't focus on the ant when dealing with the ant hill. /sigh
6/7/13
Another day, another month, another step ahead
I often wondered when the next time I would post would be. Usually, I post when I'm emotionally rocked or unstable.
Today that is certainly true. Lots of emotional rides and anger have been happening lately. Mostly because I think I have finally reached a breaking point somewhere inside where I decided: Time to change my act.
So I'm back on medication, eating healthy, and honestly tryin to motivate myself to go to the gym. Work is more managable as time passes. I'm use to the insults, the physical restraints, and (some) of the kids. There are just some things that you can never find as average human behavior.
So besides being behind on a few non-critical bills, things are managable. And that's the feeling I need to maintain. Being overwhelmed by rent and bills, family and emotions, insecurity and self harm can be too much.
I suppose Im not the only one in the world who has spent time looking at themselves and saying "What the hell is there to look forward to tomorrow?"
But as the list of things that keep me waking up each day grows smaller, I worry that, someday, there will not be enough left.
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