7/30/09

Running out of gas...


There I was, downstairs in my mother's house when I almost broke down again. I don't know if it was my dog whining to go outside for the millionth time in the last hour, or if it was the fact the puppy had attempted to ruin another pair of my sandals, or the weights I had brought up to start exersizing, or the peanut butter sandwich I was making to end my failure of a dieting program, or the children's cartoon on the television that was approved for ages 6 and up.

Probably all of that together with the fact that I am so lonely here. Every once and a while I get some company, but even then I still feel so alone during those times away. I can't handle being alone anymore. I have terrible nightmares. Nightmares are always with me... and all of them revolve around one topic. Death.

I'm dying, People are dying, I'm trying to stop people from dying or they are trying to save me from dying. One time I was actually trying to kill someone. Death. Not good for sleeping.

And I am feeling so distant from everything around me. Everytime I get away, I feel better in general. But the longer I stay, the more depressed I become. I'm not stupid. It's not the whole "vacation" that has me feeling better. It's the relief of the pressure of a moody house that can't seem to understand how much trouble I am having with... everything. Maybe I still haven't dealt with everything. Maybe I have feelings that count too.

But no, I'm just selfish. I once thought I was selfish like this. I probably am a little selfish. Am I allowed to be selfish? Do my feelings matter? I believe that is why I feel surpressed here. Because my feelings don't seem to matter very much.

But hey, I'm a 21 year-old who's just bitching about working 5 days out of the week. Yep, working at Rite Aid. What a great time. Exactly what I want to do during my summer. But nope, I can't complain. I can't feel horrible about it. I'm just being annoying apparently. And god forbid I have a bad day at Rite Aid. God forbid. God forbid that work was actually harder than the description. No job is going to be fun. I get it. Now let me whine so I can stop surpressing my feelings a little, cause I got that down pat.

Now I'm being pestered for not sharing or opening up? How can I open up about the big things if the small ones don't matter? I can't just pour out my feelings to someone who can't take small doses of my life. It just isn't right... it doesn't feel right.

Nothing feels right anymore. Not even my own bed feels like my own. I need space to grow, like a plant trying to spread its roots. I feel choked... and it isn't like anyone is doing anything wrong to me. It is all ME. I'M the one causing problems. I'M the one who is tired and cranky. I'M the one who is complaining all the time. I have a problem. A big problem.

I am running out of gas.

7/29/09

A Dark Fragment


I was thrown out of prison. I had nothing except what they gave me on my way out of that hell hole... my dirty clothes and my old puppet. I decided that after 4 years of wearing the same old dirty uniform, switching to one that was dirty yet unworn for 4 years was a small improvement. It was better than nothing, which is what I had at that time.

Well, not completely nothing. I still had my old puppet Jack. Jack was old, broken, and most of his magic had left him. His hat was on the verge of toppling off his uneven head, one of his eyes was almost completely faded to the color of his original fern wood tint, and his strings were visible in some spots but other than that he looked alright. At least he was something to talk to.

There was a river nearby I could wash in after getting released into the streets. I headed there. If I was lucky, my old shack was still abandoned. Unfortunately it wasn't left unscathed. The order had ransacked the house completely. All that was left were the walls... even the door was off the hinges apparently busted inward by a tremendous force. I had Jack hobble into the hut first in case the order left some boobie traps for me.

I waved my hands at my puppet, willing it to move. Jack just stood there, spinning in place for a minute until the command finally registered. His head bobbed a little to the side as he danced clumsily into the vacant space. Nothing was triggered as I had hoped. Jack's arcana sensors didn't pick up anything either except for a few traces on the imploded door.

I called Jack back with a quick flip of the wrist and wandered to the water's edge. Gazing into the dark water I could see my sad reflection in the twilight. I had forgotten how much I changed in 4 years. My hair was a mess, one eye looked pretty badly scarred from that fight with the half-giant in detention, and part of my jaw seemed to stick out at an odd angle... not very pleasant but still workable.

With a few intricate waves over the water my reflection shimmered slightly until my face resembled that of a prince out of a classic human fairytale. Blond hair, blue eyes, smooth skin, shiny white teeth, and a straight chin. I slowly ran my hands over my own face and felt the distortions beyond my reflections reach. I still couldn't master a full illusion enchantment.

I sighed as I began to lay on my back to watch the stars. A sudden jolt made me jump to my feet. I looked across the river to see a brilliant flash, and what seemed like rays of light streak across the sky in all directions. Some of them twinkled into nothingness, and some of them stretched out for miles. I watched as two streaks of light rushed towards me.

Before I could react the streams of light rushed into the river with a large eruption of water. I fell flat to the ground to avoid any more that might be heading towards me, but when I looked up again the lights had vanished from the sky. I looked towards the river to see what had happened to the rays of light. Beneath the surface I could see on the bottom lay two glowing slivers in the sand one beside the other.

Since the river wasn't deep, I sent Jack in to get them. Only when he was over his head did I realize he couldn't dive down to get them, being made out of wood. I watch Jack helplessly float down the river until his strings stopped him from escaping too far.

I didn't want to get wet... but the thought of having something rare to sell in town was too good to pass up. I made Jack swim in to shore and I entered the river. As I began to doggie paddle out to them, I thought of how much these objects might be worth... two, maybe even three thousand gold a piece? Maybe I could even afford a new puppet and start a new street scam all over again.

The glowing lights were too deep to reach with my feet so I had to dive. The water was dark and cold, but the glowing light was easy to aim for. I soon realized they were deeper than I had originally thought. I began to feel the urge for air. Just a little farther. I could almost reach them. I didn't want to make another trip into the depths, so I pushed myself to my limits.

The glowing suddenly stopped and I was plunged into darkness. Desperate for air, I pawed helplessly in the sand where I thought I'd last seen them. Suddenly My left hand was in incredible pain and I felt a sharp object pass through my wrist. I screamed under the water, but as I reached to grab my wrist my right hand was pierced by another unseen object.

I raced for the surface, now completely certain I was bleeding to death in the river attracting all sorts of carnivorous fish. I swam helplessly to shore where Jack was laying. I moaned the sounds of a dying man and kneeled on the ground to see the damage. Two large pieces of what looked like dark glass were sticking into my wrists. I was frozen with terror. I was certainly going to die.

Then the glass shards began to glow a familiar light. And as they did they began to slide deeper into my wrists until they were completely in my hands. The feeling was quite uncomfortable. Now my hands began emitting the strange glow I had seen moments before. And as quickly as they had begun to glow, the light faded away... and I was left to the moonlight.

Darkness has crept upon me. I gazed at my hands and my wrists for any signs of scarring or bleeding, but there was nothing. It was as if the shards as never been there. I could barely even feel them deep within my hands.

And then a feeling of incredible power came over me. I stood up. I clenched my fists and felt magic fill my veins. I waved my hands and my puppet stood up immediately. It reacted to every command I gave it without a thought. I made it dance an intricate dance I had only ever seen once in my life. I had it spin through the air and land on its toes while holding its hat up by its nose.

And then I raced to the river's edge. My mutated reflection was staring back at me. I slowly, but precisely began to draw on my face with my hands. Immediately the image I saw twisted and folded into the handsome prince once again. This time I reach for my face and felt the solid face of someone else. With the power from these shards, I had mastered the art of illusion.

I played for a while, contorting my face into various people, making sure I wasn't fooling myself. Sure enough, I could become them most hideous monster or the most beautiful gentleman with just a few gestures of my hands. I learned quickly this power didn't stop at just my own face. I could change my clothes, my belongings, the very things around me would bend to my imagination.

I smiled broadly. I looked over at Jack, who was sitting lop sided by the water's edge. He was unnecessary, now that I had this incredible power. I raised my hand and began to cut the magic strings from my fingers one by one with the other. As each string fell, he slumped more and more until he finally plopped to the ground in a heap.

With one heavy kick he flew through the air and landed in the river. As Jack floated silently down the river towards his ultimate destiny, I manifested a new face and began to head towards the city... with a new goal in mind. I was going to find the rest of those dark fragments and they were going to make me strong... uncontrollably strong... and I laughed a terrible laugh into the darkness.

7/14/09

Square Enix Token!!!


So some good news today, I finally got my SE Security Token! It pretty much makes any attempt at accessing my account impossible because it requires about 3 passwords to get into: My account password, My SE Security Account password, and my SE Token password! Here is how it works:

My password I use every day to access FFXI is the same, but I can save that so I don't have to keep punching it in and now I have a little key chain thingy that gives me a one-time password to enter instead of my usual one. And since the password is randomly generated, that means only I can get into it!

Now if someone wanted to get into my account they would have to change the setting of my SE Management Account to deactivate my SE token... but that's another password they'll have to discover! lol I has so many passwords...

But in the end it was all really for my brand new moogle satchel... and it was so worth it ;D 55 extra slots for items is a must have! And I can expand it later! OMG... so cool!

The Breaking Wave of Summer



Summer is almost done people... and I'm not just saying that it is to be annoying. Seriously, there just isn't any summer left. And the funny part is the nice weather JUST started to come around.

I figure summer is almost over because on Thursday I am going to Florida to stay with a friend for 5 days, then I'm back for about 2 weeks of work, then I go away again to New Hampshire for a full week+ of camping adventures, then another ~2 weeks later... BAM school happens.

I still haven't even found out who our fifth person is in the new apartment style dorm we have this year. We each get our own rooms, but still... I would like to know who I'm dealing with!!! But it doesn't really matter at the moment anyways cause we out number this new guy 4-1 and who's to say he won't be a cool guy?

So I want to say I'm sorry I haven't been posting. I've been dealing with a lot of things inside my head for a long time and I haven't had a lot of time to think. I STILL DON'T but I am trying to meditate more often and relax.

I'm thinking of going to the book store for a book on opening Chakras, cause I'm thinking I got at least one of those blocked somehow. My normal meditation means aren't working as well as they use to.

According to an online evaluation my Root and Crown Chakras are not functioning well at all. Especially the Root one... the Chakra that "is about being physically there and feeling at home in situations." Go figure.

So I'm going to go to work soon and I got to get ready. Hopefully everything works out in the end. I'll update again as soon as I can about my spiritual journey into my Chakras. Maybe my spiritual journey should be blogged into a new blog?

7/9/09

Escapism: MY DRUG


Here is a list of things that I've been doing to keep my mind off things...

FFXI, DnD, Neverwinter Nights 2, Magic the Gathering, The Sims 3, GTA 4, Fable 2, Maple Story, Tetra Master, Diablo 2.

Then there are torrents which include...

500+ GB worth of movies, games, books, and other illegal software... half of which I haven't touched or even bothered to crack yet.

And to make things worse I'm actually thinking of going back to World of Warcraft... I MUST be depressed... or have no life... or both.

7/7/09

Modifications...


Modified my blog again... maybe I'll do it one more time... not sure yet. I'm trying to get a new feel going here! It takes time! Unfortunately, I am not computer-code savy and basically live off the premade templates. Hopefully I'll stick with one I like...