The Big W

What is the big W?  It could be one of a variety of things.  I prefer to make it simple.  Identify the problem and attack directly. 

So where do I begin? 

It all started when the big W became something more than a special talent that I figured could carry me a while through my education and future careers.  It was more than something that I found lying on the side of my garbage.  It described me: the past, the present, and the unobtainable future.  It was something I could use for my own success, but I never meant for it to get this way.

The tumultuous W that has invaded my life has begun to grow like a stale weed in my flower bed of dreams.  It is growing out of control and is choking everything around it.  There isn't enough weed killer in the world to end it. 

It just won't end.

Chicken Parm on Wednesdays

There once was a time when I would have given anything in the world to go back and change everything.  How original right?  Who doesn't have that dream?   I'll tell you who.  They're known as the "I'm going to be happy with the way things are" people.  Alternatively, they are known as the people who need to feel better than YOU to move on with their day.

Maybe I'm just pessesmistic.  I use to think of myself as optimistic... most of the time... alright maybe not.  Maybe I was one of those people!  I needed to make you all feel terrible about the world so I could feel better about mine.  I guess I just confessed something to you.  More like to myself really.  That's how it feels sometimes.  Like writing is for the self.

I don't believe that writing for the self truly exists.  Somewhere in my head, I hope... no YEARN for someone to read this.  Why would I post this online on a blog in the first place?  That's what makes this exciting.  The fact someone might read this and say to themselves, "Hey, that guy has a point!" or "I wonder why he feels that way?"  or "Why should I give a damn?!"

Well, I hope you give a damn!  That's the point of this post.

Well, that's not true either.  This post is about me.  Selfish, need-it-all, me! 

This would be a good time to describe myself as the fat, lazy, pimpled, 4 eyed, computer freak that everyone would be stereotyping as.  It doesn't really matter if I'm a boy or a girl... but I sure do sound like a bitch!  That's all that counts right now.  My voice.  My son-of-a-bitch voice that you are putting up with.

 If you've made it this far and you've survived the ranting, I am surprised!  I almost want to give up right now and spare you and myself the horror of what waits in this post.

But that wouldn't be fair.  Not now.  Not that I've made it this far.  That's what separates me from what I would consider a failure.  A miserable failure.  Lurking in the abyss of my bed sheets and crawling out to gasp a brief breath of bologna on white before diving back to the depths.

It's not really that bad.  There's chicken parm with Mom in between on Wednesdays or Thursdays... if she feels like it.  When I really get spicy I might cook up a chicken breast in oil with spices... it's really my fault that I don't eat as well as I should.  I just like the company.  Food + People = Meal.  I would eat just the bologna if I could eat it with someone else!

I think that's the primary reason for bitchiness.  Loneliness.  It's an interesting word to look at.  LONELINESS.

Not a very lonely word.  Lots of letters!  Maybe it's more about the spaces in between the letters... like the number of spaces between the L's and the N's and the closeness of the S's.  It seems a little wierd at first.  But just look at it!  It screams symbolism!  Do I need to spell it out for you?!

Ok, maybe I'm taking your knowledge for granted or imposing my ideas on your brains... maybe that's a little too aggressive.  I NEED TO BE AGGRESSIVE.  Where am I going to go if I'm not aggressive? 

One sec... gotta pee.

Alright, bladder's empty.  Time to keep going.

I wonder what people would want to know about me?  What would I want to know about me?  I'm not sure I want to answer that question.  I don't even want to know me anymore.  I'm just sick and tired of that guy!

Maybe I want to change myself.  I want to change myself.  I want to enjoy myself I want to be in the presence of myself I want to be able to mediate with myself.

Damn that's selfish!  But I need more me time that doesn't involve a 12+ hour nap and a 5AM wake up call.  Even now, sitting with the laptop on my knees in front of the television at a friend's house so I could focus on my project due Friday at midnight, I still feel like I could drift off to sleep at any moment.

...

... alright that's a cue.  Time to log off. 

It's been fun posting.  I hope I can do it again soon.  Maybe.

-K