Things are different

While I often critique people for changing into people who they really aren't, I decided that it doesn't nessesarily mean that the person they were was the real them either. Who really knows? Maybe they still don't.

It's been very hard to get back into school. Work is on hold even as I write the post. I don't know when things are going to settle down. I don't even know if I can handle doing this, but I'm trying. My advisor helped me dorp my class schedule down to 4 classes and helped me structure a 4/5 year graduation plan (I graduate in 4 years with English and 5 years with Education).

I'm trying to be social, which can be difficult sometimes. I just want to be alone at times and others I can't bear it. I'm not emotional a lot of the time either. Sometimes it will hit me like a rock thrown at the back of my head when I'm alone in the shower or making chocolate milk at home... but for now I'm still too upset to do anything productive except WoW and FFXI.

I reactivated my WoW account and got my lvl 30 mounts (my ponies!) and I love them. THe only problem is if I stay away from FFXI too long and play WoW too much... I start to miss it. Then I start to play FFXI like crack. I went from lvl 73 to lvl 74 and 1/2 in one night (if anyone knows how much EXP that is, they would probably be sick... ok it's about 62,000 exp with each mob giving 100-200 exp per battle). I had great parties though and we worked well together against those nasty Imps. Tonight I will get lvl 75 and join the ranks of the elite FFXI players.

I haven't blogged much... mostly because I didn't know if I could with everything going on inside and around me. At least most everyone around me is sympathetic enough to be there for me when I need it, which is all that really matters to me.

But I'm tired. I've awoke every day at 7:30AM for the past 3-4 days straight (today I woke up at 9:30... but I went to bed at like 2AM). Maybe I'll get some sleep soon. THe main reason is I haven't been swimming in a while. I hope I get to go diving soon. I love to dive.

DND

I hope my story works out <(X_X)>

Wish me luck for today's campaign...

3 Days of Fruit Salad

So, I went into a Fruit Salad comatose for 3 days and I finally came out with a bang: Pizza. Not the americanized version either with cheese and stuff, just plain old pizza.

Then I made a delicious "Italian Sandwich" as I would call it. Basicly, it's oil, vinegar, salami and other cold cut meats, lettuce, and cheeze. Unfortunately I microwaved it to heat it up instead of toasting it. Hey, it tasted good anyways so I'm not complaining.

Today I relapsed with some Choco-Strawberries. I guess you could call that a 1/2 relapse cause they were covered in chocolate... but I'm recovering with another "Italian Sandwich" now.

the day of the service

I thought he looked good yesterday. I was there for 20+ years of my life with him before death, I was there at death, and I was there after. He looked better than he did, but he would never be the same.

My mom needs her medicine every 4 hours to keep sanity, but she is backing off for today on a need-to-have basis. Mark and I don't need them, but I know we aren't doing fine. No one is doing fine.

I'm getting into my new clothes we got for the funeral. I've never had anything really special nice like this. I picked out my Dad's favorite tie and got a matching outfit. I always envied it. I look good. I even got a blue shirt somehow, which is the only color of button-up shirt I've ever owned.

I'm going to be changing soon, so I should get going. I love you all and I miss you so much. Call me.

the morning after

I hadn't slept for over 40 hours straight. I didn't feel tired oddly enough. Before today that would have been a death sentence. I didn't know the definition of tired, but perhaps the shock of it all was keeping me awake as long as I needed.

I bet I could have stayed up for a week straight. There was no motive for me to go to sleep besides the fact that there was nothing to do. My mom's friend Laurie (who is acting as our advisor/councilor/backbone for the week), my Auntie Dorene (my dad's sister), and my Auntie Dale (my mom's sister) were all sitting down stairs with my mom eating our tower of food that people had brought over throughout the day while the medication kicked in. My sinus infection seemed to be wearing away with all the tissue and nose blowing I was doing already. I decided that I should go lay down on the couch.

I called Brian, turned my phone on medium ring in case I got a phone call, and closed my eyes for ten hours and missed one phone call.

I awoke to my mothers cries from downstairs.

death

he didn't make it.

update

My dad is in the hospital. He had pain in his back which turned into something much worst. He has an problem with his major blood vessel that pumps blood to his whole body. It is leaking blood. I don't know what to do. One hour until he is suppose to come out. Please be OK dad. Please be ok.

The Pressure is Killing Me!!!

So I'm sick again. My room is a mess and I'm embaressed by its state. My head hurts so bad because of the freakin' sinus pressure... AGH! I just want to smack my head against a wall, crack it open, and let the pressure and fluids drain out... but last time I did that I had a bump on my head and no symptom relief.

I'm starting to stress out. Why is it that the one chance I get to sleep in each week is foiled by some universal, unbendable event? Maybe I'm not meant to sleep more than 3-5 hours at a time :-( last night I was asleep from 10ish to 2AM, got up and couldn't breath so I stayed up the rest of the night til 6AM, slept some more until 9AM, and started my day.

I want a PJ day so badly. :-(

Quote of the Day

Bryce Vanderlann - Grade 5, Age 10

"When little kids think of Italy, they think of Lasanga. When little kids think of Russia, they think of nuclear bombs."

A Lonely Night

So I was alone last night... and I was upset. I wasn't sad, it was sort of a good and bad upset. I was excited because my roommate is finally leaving for good and I can finally have quality, no worry time with my significant other. The reason this upset me was because they weren't here last night to enjoy the news or help me get to sleep...

But when I am tired I get more emotional and this week I've had to wake up early EVERY DAY. My head hurts!!! School work + Work + Early mornings = Depressed and emotional.

At least I've got a ton of Magic the Gathering Cards to keep me company <.< and a friend to help me forget that they aren't here.

(And FYI I posted this picture of the picture on the card I got as the picture because I got this handsome man in one of my five booster packs yesterday!!! He is going to fit in nicely with my other Dragons as their Planeswalker Dragon God!!!)

Drama with a capital D

It's 11:30AM, I'm in ENG 202 bored and as confused as the rest of the class and I begin to doodle. First I draw a Panda bear with poka-dots on it.

Then I get angry at the bear and flip over the paper. I start to draw a person, which starts to turn into a guy with a sword and then BAM. I crumble up the paper and toss it aside.

I didn't plan on drawing a familiar doodle that day. Nor did I feel that this doodle would have made me as agitated as it did. It brought back memories of high school and the olden days. But most of all it reminded me of someone who wouldn't even give a damn.

And that bothers me.

It bothers me that after all those years, I could just as well be the last bitch they dated.

Why do I even let this bother me?

Maybe it is because that is all I have against them. It bothers me but couldn't mean anything better to them.

I must be a real jack-ass.

PS: No Pitcure B/C internet is freaking out.
PPS: I'm tired, so forgive this bitchy post :(