Unhappiness

A strange feeling somewhere between dissatisfied and sad.
Why? A strange question for a strange feeling.
So strange. So strange.
I must be tired of being tired.

What is going on?
I feel loved. I love. I am in love.
Yet, still dissatisfied with everything.
Why?

Depression? Again. So soon.
I just can't escape it.
The wheel of fortune turns again.
Lose a turn.

Now I'm behind in life.
Life just keeps blowing past.
I can only stumble onward. Tired.
Can't stop now. Can't stop now.

Where did all the adventure go?
Where is the boating? The camping?
The chocolate milk? The late night star gazing?
I miss those.

No matter how much time I make for boating.
Or camping out with friends.
Or making chocolate milk.
Or watching for shooting stars.

I am still unhappy.

I can't describe it.

I can't describe it. That feeling, like I am by myself even though I am surrounded by people. I don't mean to feel this way. It just that at random moments I am gripped by a sudden realization that I am alone. It makes me feel awkward. I don't know what to do...

I feel so alone.

Fly By

I haven't been posting in a long time. I think this semester has been overwhelming and I will be glad when it comes to an end. So many things are happening at once that I can't figure things out. I'll try to regroup and post back sometimes soon.

ReVision - Early Bookmark

For the past few months I've been noticing a change. I wondered when it would happen. Whether it would be good or bad has always plagued my mind... but all I know now is that every day, every time I step outside and look up to the sky... I am amazed at how beautiful it is. There is no photographer in the world who could capture this beauty, no artist who could imitate the beauty of the sky above me with an endless array of colors, shapes, and designs to choose from. I know this is a sign of the change happening inside me. I can feel myself slowly slipping away, for better or worst, into a different state of mind. What will happen to my old self? Where will the old me go? How different is the new me?

Do I like the new me? Do I want a new me?

Am I really changing? How can I NOT change? I am afraid of the change. And then there is another part of me that wants to accelerate that change so that I can know the new me, embrace it, understand it. I feel like I am unsure of everything I once thought I was so sure of. I feel like a teenager again. I was suppose to be solidifying my grounds, not breaking new ones. I need to disconnect for a while. I haven't been doing any meditation exercises in a long time. Reading high school level books isn't helping me feel any more certain of myself that's for sure.

And I have been keeping a promise to myself: I won't regret yesterday. It is hard sometimes and I usually don't get everything done I want to get done... but if I do at least one good thing that is worth going to sleep thinking about, then I am successful until I wake up tomorrow and I do it again. I can't please everyone and everyone can't please me... it is a fact of life. I am not sorry, because I am wrong.

That distant melody

I heard there was a hurricane coming, so I went to the rocks by the sea.
The angry spirits of the water break themselves there, and the display is spectacular.
You watch the white water smash itself into a thousand pieces on black boulders which are stained from the thousands of waves that have broken before it.
But as the wave breaks, the thousands of pieces just flail helplessly through the air, unsure of what comes next and they all fall together back to earth to become whole again.
They are never satisfied.
Even after the hurricane passes, you can still hear the spirits early in the morning punishing themselves for a never ending crime, trying to appease the moon spirit.
And still the white moon won't forgive them.

Hoping for the best.

So I finally got around to posting today. I've been feeling very sick lately and I'm not too sure why... just really tired 24/7... and I slept all day yesterday. I hope I don't have some horrible disease or something... but it could just be me... again.

So in my last post I was excited about getting a special something... and I got it! I am now a proud owner of a PS3! It came very cheap and included the uber HD cord (you know, for that uber HD TV I'll get someday...) and came with about 9 games! So after trading in all the sports / racing / useless shooters (Rainbow Six Las Vegas... I'm looking at you!) I was able to afford some games I'd prefer to waste my life playing.

I got my hands on BlazBlue, the little brother of Guilty Gear (a series I am quite fond of for it's music and gameplay). BlazBlue is much smoother than Guilty Gear, but as always... I feel it is missing just a small part of what Guilty Gear had. Maybe I miss the "RIDU TEH LIGHTUNING!" or the silly stories about characters who's names come from rock bands for no apparent reason other than because it's Japan. The music is pretty good too. I especially like Noel, a dual gunner. Her theme is also one of my favorites!

So apart from BB I've been mostly doing FFXI with my bro again. We finally completed the new mission set "A Crystalline Prophecy" which got us some cool body armor. And now my summons are more powerful than ever and it's time to go for some more legendarily rare armor to make me EVEN MORE POWERFUL! MUAHAHAHA! (or at least my avatars will be stronger...)

Great news recently: FFXIV info is flying all over the place! They've even got gameplay videos just added today. I've been following www.ffxivcore.com for some time now, and they haven't disappointed me yet! It looks very sexy and I'm super excited!

So apart from the escapism that is corrupting my life ever more, I've been working a bit more than usual lately... and I'm getting tired of it! Come on school! Where are you!? But it's mostly just because some people left recently and the other shift is being given shifts at other stores... so I get to fill in on those days I would have off. At least the pay check is there in the end.

I'm almost at my goal of saving for school in the fall! I think I need about 2 more weeks of pay and then I'll have reached my goal... with more to spare! That surprises me... considering my spending habits have been off lately... but I guess I haven't been THAT bad (... well the PS3 was kind of a slip but it was worth it damn it!). In the end, if I can afford school that's all that matters.

And school is so close! I can't wait to be back and start the old routine again. Maybe I'll actually get to sleep! I've been having terrible nightmares again. After I came back from camping... ugh... I could feel the depression crawling up my legs, up my spine, and grab my head and start pushing down on me like and invisible weight. It doesn't help that I've been feeling sick lately. Maybe the two are tied together?

I was going to do some Chara unblocking... but I never got the book I needed. Maybe I'll start when school starts... pffffffffff yeah right. When school starts I can almost guaranty a better attitude all together. At least that's all I can hope for.

The Final Countdown!

I'm back from my vacation in New Hampshire and I feel... tan! It was a lot of fun. We did a lot of active sports and outdoorsy things like kayaking, biking, hiking, swimming, and of course DnD... OK so that wasn't much of a sport but we did wait until after dark to start 90% of our games. The air was so clean that when you first enter New Hampshire you can almost smell a difference. It was very beautiful on Lake Ossipee (the lake we camped on). It is one of my favorite places of all time and this trip reminded me how important it is to me! I hadn't gone in at least 3+ years and now I need more!

Although I wouldn't want to live there... too many hill billy people. We stopped in a Rite Aid on one of the days we were there and it was like someone picked them up off the local farm and gave them Rite Aid vests! I mean, even their outfits were so poor that I would probably be fired for attempting their farm-hand-worn look. I guess it is just a local thing. It is in the middle of nowhere. The funny part was when I asked for him to plug in my discount and he got all suspicious on me... like I had stolen someone's identity! Oh well. At least I don't have to work there.

It is almost 6AM and I haven't gotten much sleep. Probably the main reason being I have to work this morning at around 9AM... ugh... and I'm still hurting from the drive/unpacking process (which is still not finished). I hope my Jeep had some miracle preformed on it so now it stops making the funny noises it's been making. The big suburban is making funny noises too now so maybe both cars will get done at the same time before school starts.

And I forgot to mention that I am wide awake as well because I have been in contact with someone on Craiglist.com about a certain item that I've been dying to get my hands on... and I'm getting it at a HUGE bargain... so if things don't work out I can always sell it for even more profit. I'll let you know if it all goes down.

And OH MY GOSH! AUGUST IS LITERALLY ALMOST OVER! I was talking to my friend on the phone and he was like "Yeah, school starts on August 24th for me..." and I was like "I wonder when that is on the calendar..." and sure enough I was shocked to see it so close! I was like "OH MY GOSH! AUGUST IS LITERALLY ALMOST OVER!"

So goodbye summer! The final countdown has begun!

Running out of gas...

There I was, downstairs in my mother's house when I almost broke down again. I don't know if it was my dog whining to go outside for the millionth time in the last hour, or if it was the fact the puppy had attempted to ruin another pair of my sandals, or the weights I had brought up to start exersizing, or the peanut butter sandwich I was making to end my failure of a dieting program, or the children's cartoon on the television that was approved for ages 6 and up.

Probably all of that together with the fact that I am so lonely here. Every once and a while I get some company, but even then I still feel so alone during those times away. I can't handle being alone anymore. I have terrible nightmares. Nightmares are always with me... and all of them revolve around one topic. Death.

I'm dying, People are dying, I'm trying to stop people from dying or they are trying to save me from dying. One time I was actually trying to kill someone. Death. Not good for sleeping.

And I am feeling so distant from everything around me. Everytime I get away, I feel better in general. But the longer I stay, the more depressed I become. I'm not stupid. It's not the whole "vacation" that has me feeling better. It's the relief of the pressure of a moody house that can't seem to understand how much trouble I am having with... everything. Maybe I still haven't dealt with everything. Maybe I have feelings that count too.

But no, I'm just selfish. I once thought I was selfish like this. I probably am a little selfish. Am I allowed to be selfish? Do my feelings matter? I believe that is why I feel surpressed here. Because my feelings don't seem to matter very much.

But hey, I'm a 21 year-old who's just bitching about working 5 days out of the week. Yep, working at Rite Aid. What a great time. Exactly what I want to do during my summer. But nope, I can't complain. I can't feel horrible about it. I'm just being annoying apparently. And god forbid I have a bad day at Rite Aid. God forbid. God forbid that work was actually harder than the description. No job is going to be fun. I get it. Now let me whine so I can stop surpressing my feelings a little, cause I got that down pat.

Now I'm being pestered for not sharing or opening up? How can I open up about the big things if the small ones don't matter? I can't just pour out my feelings to someone who can't take small doses of my life. It just isn't right... it doesn't feel right.

Nothing feels right anymore. Not even my own bed feels like my own. I need space to grow, like a plant trying to spread its roots. I feel choked... and it isn't like anyone is doing anything wrong to me. It is all ME. I'M the one causing problems. I'M the one who is tired and cranky. I'M the one who is complaining all the time. I have a problem. A big problem.

I am running out of gas.

A Dark Fragment

I was thrown out of prison. I had nothing except what they gave me on my way out of that hell hole... my dirty clothes and my old puppet. I decided that after 4 years of wearing the same old dirty uniform, switching to one that was dirty yet unworn for 4 years was a small improvement. It was better than nothing, which is what I had at that time.

Well, not completely nothing. I still had my old puppet Jack. Jack was old, broken, and most of his magic had left him. His hat was on the verge of toppling off his uneven head, one of his eyes was almost completely faded to the color of his original fern wood tint, and his strings were visible in some spots but other than that he looked alright. At least he was something to talk to.

There was a river nearby I could wash in after getting released into the streets. I headed there. If I was lucky, my old shack was still abandoned. Unfortunately it wasn't left unscathed. The order had ransacked the house completely. All that was left were the walls... even the door was off the hinges apparently busted inward by a tremendous force. I had Jack hobble into the hut first in case the order left some boobie traps for me.

I waved my hands at my puppet, willing it to move. Jack just stood there, spinning in place for a minute until the command finally registered. His head bobbed a little to the side as he danced clumsily into the vacant space. Nothing was triggered as I had hoped. Jack's arcana sensors didn't pick up anything either except for a few traces on the imploded door.

I called Jack back with a quick flip of the wrist and wandered to the water's edge. Gazing into the dark water I could see my sad reflection in the twilight. I had forgotten how much I changed in 4 years. My hair was a mess, one eye looked pretty badly scarred from that fight with the half-giant in detention, and part of my jaw seemed to stick out at an odd angle... not very pleasant but still workable.

With a few intricate waves over the water my reflection shimmered slightly until my face resembled that of a prince out of a classic human fairytale. Blond hair, blue eyes, smooth skin, shiny white teeth, and a straight chin. I slowly ran my hands over my own face and felt the distortions beyond my reflections reach. I still couldn't master a full illusion enchantment.

I sighed as I began to lay on my back to watch the stars. A sudden jolt made me jump to my feet. I looked across the river to see a brilliant flash, and what seemed like rays of light streak across the sky in all directions. Some of them twinkled into nothingness, and some of them stretched out for miles. I watched as two streaks of light rushed towards me.

Before I could react the streams of light rushed into the river with a large eruption of water. I fell flat to the ground to avoid any more that might be heading towards me, but when I looked up again the lights had vanished from the sky. I looked towards the river to see what had happened to the rays of light. Beneath the surface I could see on the bottom lay two glowing slivers in the sand one beside the other.

Since the river wasn't deep, I sent Jack in to get them. Only when he was over his head did I realize he couldn't dive down to get them, being made out of wood. I watch Jack helplessly float down the river until his strings stopped him from escaping too far.

I didn't want to get wet... but the thought of having something rare to sell in town was too good to pass up. I made Jack swim in to shore and I entered the river. As I began to doggie paddle out to them, I thought of how much these objects might be worth... two, maybe even three thousand gold a piece? Maybe I could even afford a new puppet and start a new street scam all over again.

The glowing lights were too deep to reach with my feet so I had to dive. The water was dark and cold, but the glowing light was easy to aim for. I soon realized they were deeper than I had originally thought. I began to feel the urge for air. Just a little farther. I could almost reach them. I didn't want to make another trip into the depths, so I pushed myself to my limits.

The glowing suddenly stopped and I was plunged into darkness. Desperate for air, I pawed helplessly in the sand where I thought I'd last seen them. Suddenly My left hand was in incredible pain and I felt a sharp object pass through my wrist. I screamed under the water, but as I reached to grab my wrist my right hand was pierced by another unseen object.

I raced for the surface, now completely certain I was bleeding to death in the river attracting all sorts of carnivorous fish. I swam helplessly to shore where Jack was laying. I moaned the sounds of a dying man and kneeled on the ground to see the damage. Two large pieces of what looked like dark glass were sticking into my wrists. I was frozen with terror. I was certainly going to die.

Then the glass shards began to glow a familiar light. And as they did they began to slide deeper into my wrists until they were completely in my hands. The feeling was quite uncomfortable. Now my hands began emitting the strange glow I had seen moments before. And as quickly as they had begun to glow, the light faded away... and I was left to the moonlight.

Darkness has crept upon me. I gazed at my hands and my wrists for any signs of scarring or bleeding, but there was nothing. It was as if the shards as never been there. I could barely even feel them deep within my hands.

And then a feeling of incredible power came over me. I stood up. I clenched my fists and felt magic fill my veins. I waved my hands and my puppet stood up immediately. It reacted to every command I gave it without a thought. I made it dance an intricate dance I had only ever seen once in my life. I had it spin through the air and land on its toes while holding its hat up by its nose.

And then I raced to the river's edge. My mutated reflection was staring back at me. I slowly, but precisely began to draw on my face with my hands. Immediately the image I saw twisted and folded into the handsome prince once again. This time I reach for my face and felt the solid face of someone else. With the power from these shards, I had mastered the art of illusion.

I played for a while, contorting my face into various people, making sure I wasn't fooling myself. Sure enough, I could become them most hideous monster or the most beautiful gentleman with just a few gestures of my hands. I learned quickly this power didn't stop at just my own face. I could change my clothes, my belongings, the very things around me would bend to my imagination.

I smiled broadly. I looked over at Jack, who was sitting lop sided by the water's edge. He was unnecessary, now that I had this incredible power. I raised my hand and began to cut the magic strings from my fingers one by one with the other. As each string fell, he slumped more and more until he finally plopped to the ground in a heap.

With one heavy kick he flew through the air and landed in the river. As Jack floated silently down the river towards his ultimate destiny, I manifested a new face and began to head towards the city... with a new goal in mind. I was going to find the rest of those dark fragments and they were going to make me strong... uncontrollably strong... and I laughed a terrible laugh into the darkness.

Square Enix Token!!!

So some good news today, I finally got my SE Security Token! It pretty much makes any attempt at accessing my account impossible because it requires about 3 passwords to get into: My account password, My SE Security Account password, and my SE Token password! Here is how it works:

My password I use every day to access FFXI is the same, but I can save that so I don't have to keep punching it in and now I have a little key chain thingy that gives me a one-time password to enter instead of my usual one. And since the password is randomly generated, that means only I can get into it!

Now if someone wanted to get into my account they would have to change the setting of my SE Management Account to deactivate my SE token... but that's another password they'll have to discover! lol I has so many passwords...

But in the end it was all really for my brand new moogle satchel... and it was so worth it ;D 55 extra slots for items is a must have! And I can expand it later! OMG... so cool!

The Breaking Wave of Summer

Summer is almost done people... and I'm not just saying that it is to be annoying. Seriously, there just isn't any summer left. And the funny part is the nice weather JUST started to come around.

I figure summer is almost over because on Thursday I am going to Florida to stay with a friend for 5 days, then I'm back for about 2 weeks of work, then I go away again to New Hampshire for a full week+ of camping adventures, then another ~2 weeks later... BAM school happens.

I still haven't even found out who our fifth person is in the new apartment style dorm we have this year. We each get our own rooms, but still... I would like to know who I'm dealing with!!! But it doesn't really matter at the moment anyways cause we out number this new guy 4-1 and who's to say he won't be a cool guy?

So I want to say I'm sorry I haven't been posting. I've been dealing with a lot of things inside my head for a long time and I haven't had a lot of time to think. I STILL DON'T but I am trying to meditate more often and relax.

I'm thinking of going to the book store for a book on opening Chakras, cause I'm thinking I got at least one of those blocked somehow. My normal meditation means aren't working as well as they use to.

According to an online evaluation my Root and Crown Chakras are not functioning well at all. Especially the Root one... the Chakra that "is about being physically there and feeling at home in situations." Go figure.

So I'm going to go to work soon and I got to get ready. Hopefully everything works out in the end. I'll update again as soon as I can about my spiritual journey into my Chakras. Maybe my spiritual journey should be blogged into a new blog?

Escapism: MY DRUG

Here is a list of things that I've been doing to keep my mind off things...

FFXI, DnD, Neverwinter Nights 2, Magic the Gathering, The Sims 3, GTA 4, Fable 2, Maple Story, Tetra Master, Diablo 2.

Then there are torrents which include...

500+ GB worth of movies, games, books, and other illegal software... half of which I haven't touched or even bothered to crack yet.

And to make things worse I'm actually thinking of going back to World of Warcraft... I MUST be depressed... or have no life... or both.

Modifications...

Modified my blog again... maybe I'll do it one more time... not sure yet. I'm trying to get a new feel going here! It takes time! Unfortunately, I am not computer-code savy and basically live off the premade templates. Hopefully I'll stick with one I like...

The Universe's Long, Boney Finger

I've been away for a long time because I've been fighting depression and trying my best to move on with things... but of course the universe has to play with me a little longer.

I found out yesterday morning that a close family friend of mine, Kim Vanderlann, committed suicide this past Friday. She was the mother of two kids I've spent a lot of time with and we were close. She leaves behind her children and her husband with whom she was separated with. I hadn't seen her for about a year and only saw her briefly at my father's funeral and talked with her for a few minutes a couple of weeks ago when I was with the kids.

So now the wake is Tuesday and the funeral Friday. My brain is in lock down mode officially. I tried hard with my father's passing to keep the turtle out of his shell, but this time I can't stop it. I don't want to talk about it.

So now I am taking another hiatus? I don't know. I'm very sad and when you're sad it is hard to write. And even when I do write it comes out to be more sadness. Why spread that?

We will see what mental state I'm in after these next few events and then I'll figure things out.

I need an extended vacation :-( can I book one of those?

Taking a Break...

I've had a rough week or so. I haven't been posting but I will soon! Please forgive me!

New FFXIV info:

So I've been way to excited about this new announcement. To be honest, his was my whole hope that this was going to be announced at E3. Anything else is just icing on the cake!

Here everything we know about FFXIV (found off another website forum):

*Confirmed for PS3 and PC. They are currently considering other platforms like "Microsoft Hardware" but nothing has been decided.

*There will be no character transfers from FFXI to FFXIV, but you will be able to transfer your Friends List.

*POL will not be used.

*Races will be "similar" to the ones in FFXI.

*There will be a "job system" but this is undefined and will be different from FFXI.

*FFXI (Vana'diel) and FFXIV (Eorzea) are completely different game worlds, there is no relation.

*FFXI will not be canceled with the release of FFXIV. There is another year of content for FFXI planned currently. You will be able to play both FFXI and FFXIV at the same time.

*FFXIV will be a bit "more casual", whatever the fuck that means.

*FFXIV will have solo content. Battles will range from many vs. many to many vs. one. Again, whatever the fuck that means.

*There will be a simultaneous worldwide release, with English, Japanese, German and French language versions at launch (Now if they could just do that with all of their freaking games, LOL). No plans for Spanish in the short-term.

*The trailer had both CGI and in-game rendering. No confirmation of any in-game combat or actual in-game content.

*Job system will be "fairly different" from FFXI. "The player can grow & develop in a more natural way without putting too much weight on the player."

*Content will range from solo to what very large groups, and range from casual to hardcore.

*There is absolutely no concrete information about the Beta.

*No pricing structure has been decided.


I read the live blog feed of the panel about FFXIV and they said that the reason the characters look similar is because it gives players from FFXI a similar feel to the type of character they want to play. So I expect TaruTaru, Mithra, Galka, Elvaan, and Hume races returning with a new name or something.

What race should I start as? What job should I start as? All these questions are things I need to consider over the next year as more info about FFXIV is released!

(and I hope they give FFXI users a chance at FFXIV beta before other people!)

OMFG IT IS HERE!!!

I have been waiting for so long...

and here it is!!!!!

http://na.finalfantasyxiv.com/

FFXIV Online... OMG!!!

It will start on the PS3 and like FFXI will move to PC as well.

I can't wait!!!

Another Blog?

I am considering making a new blog. I usually get this feeling every one to two years, but I just feel like if I do I would want it to be something different from this one.

What should I do?

I was thinking doing a daily blog about my life and recent happenings but would that be too much like a bitchy LJ? I don't want bitchy LJ if no one wants that either.

Like Claws Creeping Up

I am getting depressed again.

Or maybe I am depressed.

I don't enjoy things I use to. I am always tired. I am always disgruntled. I am moody. I am irritable. I am unpleasant. I am sad. Always sad. I don't like to be alone. I feel angry. I am never satisfied.

And yet despite that, I am somehow happy. I look forward to each day. I am in love. I am loved. There is nothing wrong.

I don't know why I am sad. I am just sad. I have been depressed before, and I know what it feels like to be gripped by it's cold claws. It feels like something... like a dementor is stalking me. Stealing my happiness.

I am sure it has something to do with my father's passing.

But I am just sad. It isn't that I think about it. I try to move on. Acting like nothing ever happened. I don't dwell on it. I accept it. I can't change it. It will always be there. I don't want to think about it... if I can help it.

And sometimes I do think about it. It isn't bad. Just another memory surfacing like a balloon held under water. Sometimes I am afraid I will forget them all, but I know I can't. Not now at least.

And I don't dream dreams anymore. If I do dream, I dream nightmares. Terrible things. Always loss. Always fear. Always alone.

And I am always afraid. I am afraid of loss.

FFVIII - Angry Posts!

I just read a blog post degrading FFVIII... and I held back the urge to reply with this:

I have to argue that FF8 wasn't as terrible as it seems.

When FF7 launched and FF8 followed soon after, it was praised by many companies and highly regarded magazines for being in league with, sometimes surpassing, FF7 in many ways. Even today it is regarded as a "Greatest Hits" title and sells well to this day.

Now, I have played through FF8 twice and enjoyed it each time. I can't make people like the battle system (which I thought was great, and I loved the GF system!) but I can sympathize with those who hate the story.

I can honestly say the first disc was pretty good. I mean, you're basically a soldier trainee that goes on an epic mission with magic, gun swords, and mystic beasts to dispatch machines and wild dinosaurs!

But then it all goes down hill. In Disc 2 the mysterious happenings turn into ridiculous things that feel almost like the creators had to rush the story. Suddenly everyone is related, memories were conveniently erased, and magic becomes nearly useless. In the end, Disc 4 is completely useless, Disc 3 is where you spend you're real fun NOT doing the story, and Disc 2 is almost unbearable.

But still, FF8 will always have a place on my shelf. Just don't hate on people who enjoy a game just because you feel otherwise. :(

Quarantine - Story pt.1

The story revolves around the adventures of a boy who enters the new world through a series of tragic events. His family is part of the wealthier class in the failing economy. The boy is involved in a terrible accident that leaves him in a deep coma. There seems to be no way to reawaken him from this state, even with modern medicine, and someone suggests that the family allow the boy to be connected to the super computer. This way, they may be able to communicate with him and watch him live another life without wasting away. The boy would be under the protection of the new world's administrators and would be safe from any harm.

Word travels throughout that a new person, a boy, was going to be sent into the new world. No one knows if the procedure will work or not. Word actually travels to a few people in the new world that a boy is coming. One of these people is part of a resistance. The resistance is an under-cover group of people that seek a way to leave the world, seeing it as a prison. The resistance decided this is their chance to escape, using this boy as a means of escape.

Quarantine

I just felt it was time to post about an idea for a story I've been working on for a while called Quarantine. Maybe posting it will help formulate it better into a more coherent story.

This story takes place in the not-so-far future. In this world technology has advanced so that we can "dive" into the human mind. I haven't decided if this technology is wide-spread or restricted, but it exists. Through government funding, and the dramatic rise in crime rates and life-sentences due to a failing economy, prisons are being rigged with the ability to house large numbers of prisoners in a restricted area in which the prisoners are connected to a computer using the "dive" technology. While connected to the super computer, the prisoners are put into an induced comatose state and given basic survival care.

While connected to the super computer, the prisoners' conciousness is moved deep into a simulated world. Inside this new world, prisoners are given a chance to build a new, simulated life. Most use this chance to make something of themselves and learn a lesson or two while some reject the new world and revert to their old habits of criminal activity. The new world is primal. Everything must be built by hand and nothing but basic resources are supplied by the administrators of the new world. There is nothing different in this world except that time passes much more quickly than in the real world (I'm thinking 2 days for every one in RL but it might be more like X4).

Eventually the program is shutdown because the prisoners are almost useless inside the world and funding begins to slow. The final cut results when the creators of the new world discover there is no way to return a person injected into the new world back to their body. The programs assosiated with death and "retrieval" (the return of someone to their body), which worked alright in beta stages have become corrupted and fail to excecute successfully. In the end, the government decides to host the power required to maintain the new world until all the prisoners' have deceased.

Unfortunately, the prisoners within the new world do not age normally. The remain stagnant while the body ages outside in the real world. Thus, even if the prisoners were to awaken they would be awakening from fit, young, healthy bodies to dusty, old, worn ones tested by years of being bed ridden. The debate to just shutdown the computer entirely is still bouncing around the courts with arguments as to whether or not the people are actually salvageable or are forever bound to electronic existence.

Key things of note are: the people inside the new world can be contacted by the real world, the new world can be manipulated physically to some degree by real world technitions, there are a small amount of programs that resemble people within the new world that create order when nessesary but this enforcement is largely uninvolved with 95% of happenings within the new world. The only problems that the enforcement team deal with are A) severe disturbances and B) illegal activity.

Now, time passes much faster in the new world and soon the prisoners build a whole new world that functions much like the real world, just in a more rustic environment. I was thinking almost like a modern medieval experience... but more harsh. This is a realm ruled by former criminals after all.

Next time I'll post the primary plot for Quarantine.

Post # 200!!!

200 posts... wow...

Who ever knew I could go this far?

Anime Boston 2009 - Prelude

So tomorrow begins my third venture to Anime Boston. In 2005, I went on a last minute adventure that was brought up by a friend which turned into quite the weekend of excitement. The following year, 2006, we made a more glorious excursion where we actually dress up in Dole Uniforms. Now, 3 years later, I will be returning for round 3.

Anime Boston is always an exciting trip. Whether you like Anime or Japanese themes or not, it is definately a wonderful experience with many things to do even if you don't do anything!!! Just wandering around looking at all the costumes is an adventure in itself.

This year, I am actually dressing up as something Japanese (although the influence it had on Dole Comics is to be debated). I will be going as Roxas from Kingdom Hearts II in his organization 13 outfit. I have the whole costume finished, but the Oathkeeper Keyblade needs to be painted. Luckily I've got a friend who has as much passion about Kingdom Hearts and is willing to sacrifice her afternoon to painting it while I work!

I will post pictures of My costume and the group photos once I have them. I wanted to take pictures of us working on finishing touches of our costumes, but my hands were covered in plaster :( so no before photos. Oh well, the finished product is always better!

Even without the finished Keyblade, my outfit will look very good amongst the group. I am going to gel my hair into Roxas' style and I will be wearing contacts for at least the first day. Hopefully everything will go well. Everyone who is going and dressing up will be looking great.

Also, I've finally got around to start contacting people I've been either avoiding willingly or unwillingly. It is a slow and painful process that makes me feel tired and sad at the same time. Eventually I hope to have met up with everyone I need to at least ONCE this summer... but work will probably do a good job of messing that up. Fortunately, I'm only on for 4 days out of 7 this coming week after Anime Boston so hopefully I can start to get things done.

OK, time to shower, shave, and put my contacts in to surprise everyone at work. Update later!

What I've been waiting for!

FINALLY!!! My favorite pokemon game (silver version) to be released on the DS in an remake!!! OMG!!!

I'm sorry... I'm a pokemon nerd <(;_;)>...

the pokemons are so good...

The remakes are called Heart Gold and Soul Silver. I'll be reserving Soul Silver ASAP!

Hard to tell a difference...

I can't seem to understand when I'm being selfish or just being human. Is being human being selfish?

I just cleaned my room with a help of one of my mom's friends. I think I'm going to clean it off and take a nap or something. I'm really tired again today.

Discovery!

I am tired of being tired ad I realize I am tired because I am not active enough (or at least I hope that's the reason).

I am going to make an effort to do that.

Saturday Sadness and Some other emotion.

So a lot has happened in a few days.

I feel like this blog has become a syphon of my horrible emotions. I don't want this to be a live journal or a rant site, so please forgive me while I get this out of my system.

I had a major disappointment hit me recently. I won't be anywhere near my Snuggle and we don't have anywhere to snuggle for an entire summer. Originally there were arrangements... and in one day it fell apart. I feel like I did last summer: alone, sad, upset, and emotional. It happens to you when get close to someone and have to be seperated for a long period of time. And the worst is that I know how desperate time together gets and how sad it makes me to have no way to be together without supervision. (We are older than 16 year-olds...)

I got my grades back and it was the first good news I've had in a while. I actually managed to pass and increase my GPA to a 3.0 (a huge leap from the 2.0's)!!! Yay!!! At least I didn't completely mess up.

Work has been boring as usual, but I've been feeling sick, tired, and moody lately. I don't know whats the matter besides the fact I'm exhausted... and there is no cure for that besides bed rest.

I kinda wish I could break my legs for a month or something. That would give me a break. :-)

What does this mean?

If someone has a translation for this dream, please indulge me:

I am in the middle of the quad at my school. It is an autumn day, the wind is blowing lightly. There are leaves everywhere, scattering across the ground and twirling in circles. I am wandering in the quad wearing a black trench coat. Not a Matrix-ish or fancy leather trench coat, just a large, plain, black one. I am in third person watching myself wander the quad. Everything outside the quad is blurred and I never wander outside of it, but I know the lay of the things beyond.

Sometimes during the dream, I am sad and feel like I am going to fall to the ground any moment. Others, I am just wandering without emotion... well maybe content if anything.

And that's it.

My life in Japanese

I decided to post this in honor of Anime Boston. It is a list of songs that remind me of specific years of my life and each of them is in Japanese.

I remember the first time I ever got into anything Japanese besides a video game. At the time I hadn't even considered liking "Anime" or "Manga". Then one day, I was sitting next to Lindsey, a girl I'd been in school with for most of my life, and finally asked her what she kept reading during class.

She was more than happy to enlighten me.

Within a few days I was allowed to borrow the manga Inuyasha and had read volumes 1-3 in a matter of a week. It took some getting use to but soon it became natural to read the pictures backwards, turn the pages from left to right, and the most confusing part of all: who was a boy and who was a girl.

After I had read those volumes I asked for the rest. Lindsey didn't have the rest of the Manga but said that she had more of the story as an anime. So I brought the illegal first box set home of the Japanese with Chinese or English subtitles and began my adventure into anime. And that's how it started.

Now for the main event: THE LIST!!!

1. Change the World - Inuyasha

This reminds me a lot of early high school, for obvious reasons. It started it all!

2. Every Heart - Inuyasha

Also reminds me of early high school, but also of my early attempts at understanding what love is. Lots of philosophical debates with myself and not a lot of work on school.

3. Shinjitsu no Uta - Inuyasha

Last Inuyasha I promise! This is a part of me coming out of the "shell" of my mind and venturing, if only briefly, into letting people know a little about myself. I was very shy and didn't let anyone know much about me... because I didn't want to know myself.

4. Obsession - .Hack//SIGN

You knew it was coming if you know me. .Hack is my FAVORITE Anime and was one of the first ones I got my hands on. If there was a universe I wish I could dive into, this would probably be it. This reminds me of late nights watching .Hack when I should have been doing school work and wishing I could play FFXI.

5. Reckless Fire - Scryed

Scryed is interesting because I never fully watched the anime nor fully read the manga, yet I respect it. It was my first impulse buy anime and I learned my lesson: research before you watch! This reminds me of not wanting to be in school, yet stuck to working when I had time off. Isn't it weird what songs remind you of? Inevitably this reminds me of my friends, who I never could see often.

6. Tooku Made - Do As Infinity (artist)

OMG! Just an artist no anime?! Well if you count Vampire Hunter D: Blood Lust which I didn't even see until college years... then yes it was! I finally learned how to master the art of the internet search engine and found out many things I wanted to know! This reminds me of Dole Comics, the one thing about High School that made it bearable for me in later years.

7. Sanctuary - Kingdom Hearts II

Now we're really getting off the beaten path... a game! Not just any game though, this one is practically legendary! This reminds me of the end of high school and the fresh start awaiting me in college... but the results were far worst than expected... good thing this is a nice song anyways!

8. Silly-Go-Round - .Hack//Roots

Finally at college now, and look! .Hack is back for more hacking action! G.U. was just being released and I was on fire with eagerness. I got my hands on the new anime for the series, Roots, and started downloading the subbed episodes every week or so when they were released in Japan. This reminds me of struggling to survive first year at college, dealing with Prout: Part 2, and everything else that caused the rapture later on.

9. Inner Universe - Ghost in the Shell: SAC

We're getting closer to the present. I got into this new anime called Ghost in the Shell that I downloaded every few days to occupy myself. It really kept me going when I needed it. Now it's sophmore year in college and I've transfered away from my problems and found myself alone. I became depressed and withdrawn, talked to no more than a few people and my professors, lost around 35 pounds, and finally had the time to reflect on myself. This is when the rapture happened that changed my life forever and I decided to take my life by the reins.

10. Rise - Ghost in the Shell: SAC 2nd GIG

After finishing season one of Ghost in the Shell, I got season 2. After my rapture, I began to rebuild everything about myself. It was kinda like in YuGiOh! where YuGi mind crushes Kaiba and he has to put everything back together. Good song nonetheless.

11. Oblivious - Kalafina

Now we're just about to present time. This song is from a popular anime in Japan translated to The Garden of Sinners. I didn't find out about the anime until I had the band so that doesn't count!!! This song reminds me of things that haven't even begun to heal yet.

12. Sprinter - Kalafina

This song gives me hope for the next day, week, month ahead. Simple as that.


Some might ask "Do I know any Japanese?" "Do I know what these songs mean?" "Did you look up the lyrical translations to understand the song better?" and I say it doesn't matter at all. Like Plato said before me (in common words) "Words take away from a piece of art because they limit the choices an artist has to describe or integrate an emotion into the artwork." I don't entirely agree with this, but I can argue that without the english filling my ears I can feel a deeper connection to a song and the emotion it is trying to convey. Maybe that's just me. In any case, I can still sing as loud as I can in Japanese without knowing what I'm saying... as long as it sounds in tune with the song!

... ok I thought I just typed "Thong" in place of song but I didn't... I must be tired. I'll post again soon!

Is it over?

I just finished writing one of the last papers for the semester.

So how was the semester in general?

...

Do I even need to say?

For whatever reason I really want to play Kingdom Hearts... probably to get pumped for Anime Boston.

Where I've been...

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. It's been rough.

I am finally getting done with school. Today is my last "exam" of the semester and due is a huge paper I'm only partially completed with and Tuesday there are 3-4 papers each 2-3 pages in length...

I don't really know how I'm alive.

I'm really tired all the time. I go home as often as I can, and yet that doesn't feel like enough. When I slot a time in for my Mom she makes me feel bad when I have to leave... and it makes me upset. I don't know what I'm suppose to be doing.

I'm tired a lot. I haven't had a real day of boredom yet. I need one so bad. I want bored. My whole face feels tired all the time, like a mask of exhaustion had been placed over my whole face and senses.

At work I just got a promotion to shift supervisor, which allows me a short nap in the morning while working. But is that really enough? And this symptom can't be cured with a pill or a day off. It just can't. I need to have a vacation I think.

Anime Boston is coming up, but how much sleep do you think I'm going to get during that? And it's not that I'm not entertained by anything. Heck, I can't turn once in my room without finding a million things to do. It's just that. There are too many things TO do.

OH btw, I finally got that stinkin' Yinyang Robe thanks to the efforts of my brother. He got it for me by winning it while I was unable to attend. It was one of those "Oh shit" moments in Final Fantasy where it just kicked that much ass. I mean, this item is literally unmatched in FFXI for a Summoner. The best. Amazing.

And yet I can't even find time to use it. Now I"m my bro's Nyzle Isle whore since he got that robe for me. It's ok though, it is a lot of fun! And I get to flash my new YYR while kicking ass and taking names.

What else... I recently tried to fix a friends' PS3. I almost had success... until I found out the problem was with a 100$ piece of hardware that Sony broke on a lot of PS3s when they launched version 2.7x for the OS it runs. For Sony to fix it for you it is 150$ flat rate, so they add maintenance, shipping, etc. I just feel bad for the friend :( no PS3 and a 400$ DVD player...not even backwards compatible....

I'm sorry to everyone I've lost touch with in recent months. I am just tired. I hope you understand that. I haven't forgotten you in the slightest. I just need time to rest.

I get jealous every time a cruise commercial comes on TV and the part comes where they say, "Or you could just do nothing at all!"

1000$+ for a week of nothing would be amazing. And expensive. <(-.-)>

I hope I do well on exams... but I am not going to fail or do uber poorly in anything (i think) woot!

and my grammar is failing...

I'll post something more substantial and less insomniatic at a later time.

Good night!

Lord of the Flies

Who knew writing a lesson plan would be so fun?

Enjoy the rewards:



“Lord of the Flies” Lesson Plan

Student Development / Diversity
The class for which this lesson was designed is comprised of 26 tenth grade students (11 males and 15 females) at a suburban school. They are a culturally diverse group including 4 African-American students (2 males and 2 females), 1 Laotian male, 1 Chinese male, 1 Puerto Rican male, 1 Guatemalan male, 3 Dominican females, one Mexican female, 1 German exchange female, and the rest are of European descent and were born in America. There are two immigrant students who receive ESL services, having not been in the country for long: The Chinese and Mexican student. They both have individual aides. One African-American male has a vision impairment, so he has an IEP. One of the white males also has a physical handicap, making it difficult for him to walk. His aide is able to stay with him throughout the class. Two students, African American and white males, have ADHD and are on a 504 plan. One white female is six months pregnant. 60% of the class is at the tenth grade reading level, 30% of the class is below the reading level, and 10% of the class is above the reading level.
From a Piagetian perspective, most of the students in the class are at a formal operations level, so they are able to draw logical conclusions from situations that have no basis in reality. From a constructivist point of view, students create knowledge from experience and observation, so we would group students together in diverse groups so that those students who excel can assist the others in learning. This idea is also called social constructivism. We would make sure to include many visual and auditory learning experiences so that the diverse students can all learn effectively. For example, we may read aloud from the text and also pass out graphic organizers and other handouts to aid in learning.

Rationale/Analysis of Students’ Special Needs
As mentioned above, there are students with ESLs, a vision impairment, physical handicap, two cases of ADHD, and one pregnant female.
The ESL students will each have individual aides who will assist them throughout the day in every class. We may place them in the back row of students so that discussions with their aides will not interrupt the other students. We will include multicultural references in our lessons so that both the Chinese and Mexican students feel involved and important. This is also a chance for the ESL students to teach others in the class about a diverse culture. Also, the most vital learning tool is working in groups so that students can learn from each other. This will give the aides a break and will teach the students who speak English fluently how to teach others and accept other cultures.
The male with the vision impairment will be seated in the front row so that he can always see what is on the board. If necessary, his tests, quizzes, handouts, and other assignments will be modified to accommodate his needs. In this case, that would mean enlarging the text itself.
The male with the physical handicap will be seated near the door because he will need to leave early in order to arrive at his next class on time. This way, he and his aide will not disrupt the rest of the class when they leave. Each day a different assigned student or friend will sit next to this student and help him with daily tasks, such as getting materials for him.
The two males with ADHD will be monitored closely so that they do not disrupt the rest of the class. They will also be separated from each other in the classroom seating plan. A daily plan will be posted on the board every day, which will benefit the whole class as well as the students with ADHD, so that they know what is happening. Any adjustments will be explained. In addition, we will be asking questions frequently to keep the students alert and focused. These two students are also on a 504 plan, which means that they receive extended time on in class written assignments.
The pregnant female will be monitored as well. We will be aware of social problems, such as other students harassing her and other family problems at home. If we see a problem we will offer assistance and refer her to the school counselor. We will also allow this girl to use the bathroom often and also be aware of other physical strains she may need extra assistance with. We will plan in advance for make up work because this girl will soon be missing a large portion of school. If possible we will have her complete extra work now so that she does not fall too far behind.

Lesson Plan
This lesson is for a 9th grade class. Previously in the year, students will have already covered topics about key literary terms and throughout the novel we will be picking them out and using them to define elements in the novel.

Materials Needed:

Novel “Lord of the Flies” by William Golding

Time Needed for Lesson:

This lesson takes place over a 2 ½ to 3 week period leaving room for extra time needed to spend on topics the class needs more time to understand. Each lesson is approximately one hour and thirty minutes long. The portion I will be covering is the first week (3 days of the lesson) in a block schedule structure.

Day 1: Biography of Author and Historical Context of the Novel / Group Activity (Short Story during WWII as a Student)
Day 2: Chapter 1 / Introduction of the Novel and Major Characters / Key Terms: Foreshadowing
Day 3: Chapter 2 / Development of Characters and Survival Techniques of the Children / Group Activity (Putting Students into Characters’ Situation)

Instructional Objectives:

Objective 1: To have students understand the historical context of the text.
Specific Objectives:
A) Students will have knowledge of the author’s life and his motives for writing the novel.
B) Students will have an understanding of life during World War II for students their age.

Objective 2: To have students understand each character’s specific traits and apply a previously learned term to the text.
Specific Objectives:
A) Students will be able to use the term Foreshadowing as defined earlier in the year and apply it to the events in the novel.
B) Students will be able to apply “foreshadowing” to current events in the novel.

Objective 3: To have the students relate to the characters in the novel.
Specific Objectives:
A) Students will be able to recreate the situation in the novel and compare/contrast their survival techniques with those used in the novel.

Instructional Strategies:

Objective 1: Day 1
Bloom’s Taxonomy: Comprehension and Knowledge

As a pre-assessment, students will turn in a one page author biography on the day that the lesson on “Lord of the Flies” begins. This will make sure the students will come to class having done research on the topic themselves.
Using their biography, students will contribute to a list of facts about the author rather than having a full lecture about the author’s life while stepping in to fill in some gaps that are left out. Students not contributing or who have not handed in a biography will be noted for penalties for class participation if necessary.
A brief, formal lecture on World War II to give a historical context to the novel to set the stage for the group activity. Students may also contribute to this lecture as well, promoting extra research done by students.
There will be a group activity in which students will create a short story about a student their age during World War II. This will help students understand the characters in the novel and their mindset during the time period. It will also allow students to express themselves creatively. The assignment will be collected and shared with the rest of the class before the period ends. This is the formative assessment.

Objective 2: Day 2
Bloom’s Taxonomy: Knowledge, Application, and Comprehension

As a summative assessment, students will be given a quiz on the assigned reading for the day. This will be a routine that will help give structure to the everyday lesson and give the students a motive to read the chapter. Quizzes like these will be brief (3-5 questions long) and will take a maximum of 5-10 minutes at the beginning of class.
A discussion on the characters and their traits will be the focus of the lecture for the class. A chart with each major character introduced in the chapter will help organize and separate each character while students will contribute to the list of traits. This will help students recognize each character as they develop later in the novel.
The term “foreshadowing” which has been mentioned earlier in the year will be discussed and events that could be foreshadowing for important events in future chapters. Other terms that have been mentioned earlier in the year will be discussed as the class progresses through the novel.

Objective 3: Day 3
Bloom’s Taxonomy: Knowledge, Application, and Comprehension

1. Another summative assessment quiz will be given, as was given in Objective 1, but the subject will be today’s assigned reading. A bonus question will be given regarding a previously discussed topic in the class related to a previous lesson on “Lord of the Flies” to promote review for future quizzes.
2. A discussion on the events in the novel will lead into the group activity for the day. The class will be lead into discussion about the ways the boys manage to survive on the island and the techniques they uses to maintain themselves. A short clip from the film “Cast Away” will end the discussion and begin the group activity.
3. The group activity will be the class divided into small groups and given a list of items to survive on. They will have to create a scenario in which they use the materials to survive on a small island for a month assuming there is edible vegetation and small animals. After that activity, a second list will be handed out. This time it will be a list of people and a description of each person. They will have to choose a limited number of people on the list to survive and continue to thrive on the island. These activities will give students a chance to think for themselves and as a team. It will also promote problem solving and decision making skills. These activities will be a formative assessment based upon how much effort was put into the choices made.

Assessments

Formative:
My formative assessments are based upon the class work that is handed in at the end of each class. By seeing how the class is doing based upon the group work, I can judge how fast to move into other topics and judge if the class needs to be challenged or have their workload reduced. Block scheduling leaves extra time in class to devote to group work. This is why most of the formative assessments comes from group work so that students who do not understand can work together to teach each other concepts and ideas brought up in class while giving an overall view of the classes status.

Summative:
Many of my summative assessments will be in the form of quizzes given at the beginning of class. This will help boost the grades of students who do poorly on large assignments or tests while giving structure to the lesson itself. Questions unrelated to the readings will show up more often as the lesson progresses to stimulate review. These questions will most likely be bonus questions, as these are more desirable than questions that “count” towards the final grade and help the students work for the extra points themselves. The 3-5 questions also allows for students to easily understand how each is graded and gives them an expectation for their overall outcome.
Final tests on each lesson will be in short answer and essay format to make sure the student understands the ideas taught throughout the lesson. This format will be used throughout the year for major tests and exams. The exam itself should not be a surprise for the students and review will be made and possible questions announced so that preparation and study is not overwhelming.

FFXIII

So I don't know why... but I'm suddenly excited about FFXII. So I changed my music to the battle theme... and I love it <(^^)>!

Update: The Last Straw

So I finished almost every paper I can until finals minus a lesson plan I plan on working on tonight. So school is finally settling down although sleeping in for a class or two doesn't help. I plan on meeting with Professors today and tomorrow to ask about finals and such.

And Shiki. I've been there every day (minus one for work and one for school), including one day my brother logged on for me and we've had a total of 4 Ying Yang Robes drop. NONE of them are mine. The fact that I am there every day while some people don't even show up for more and three days and get a robe astonishes me. I actually had to ban a LS member who got a robe and disappeared, claiming to "return one day and help at a later date" and after 5 days I gave up on him.

So I devised a plan at 5AM this morning. I pleaded my case to this batch of YYR lotters, begging for this lot because fo the work I do for the LS. They pretty much laughed in my face and began lotting as soon as I began to lot. Ofcourse I lost the lot. I have yet to win a lot in this game besides the Light Spirit Pact I got as a lvl 30 WHM (maybe thats where all my luck went). As a result I did the most devious thing yet: I told them all the wrong pop time. As a result, I will be the only one to show up. And with the help of my brother, Sheng (a good friend with a YYR), and a bunch of high level players I will take this claim and get my robe if it drops. If not, I still got the TOD and it is mine alone.

If the LS members want to help, they need to understand that this is my robe and they can get theirs AFTER mine. That's the way it goes. I am sick and tired after weeks of nothing. Not even "no drops" just no loot. I hate it. I hate watching a super rare item drop into the hands of a player who doesn't even deserve to wear it when I've been working my ass off to get this mob.

The time has come for no more mister nice guy.

School Work

Someone just needs to stop giving it to me.

Universes Colliding and Tearing Apart

I don't know what to do. Here are some points I thought I'd jot down here:

1. The Chicken or The Egg

Well guys, FFXI came first, I'm sorry to say. And they did a damn fine job. The PS2 was the master system at the time, and with PC players on the same server one year later it seemed as though FFXI was going to be set for life. So far that hasn't failed yet. WOW came out after FFXI and stuck to the dying Blizzards PC and MAC mentality, probably created due to the fact that MMOs can generate money for people who need it without doing much (OMG a monthly fee for a game you play online!). I'm pretty sure Blizzard didn't know it was going to be a hit, but now Blizzard is regarded as #1 in the MMO world... for a mistake (that made them lots of moneys). I can't help but think that people at Blizzard are laughing at people who play WOW. I just feel that the people who created FFXI really tried hard to make something that worked and that would survive for a long time.

2. As the years went by...

So after a few years FFXI population went down as WOW population increased. Expansions came out, bugs were fixed, etc. Then a couple of things happened. WOW, as many people discovered, had much more content updates and versatility than most other MMOs out there (considering the money it was making I don't think this is even close to what they could be doing). The fact that the game is PC based rather than Platform (or cross platform like FFXI) made technical restrictions such as memory a thing of the past (literally). Players ask for more bag space, they get it, they want bigger instances, they get it, they want a pony transfered via internet, they better f-ing get it! FFXI is unfortunately held back by the very thing that it was popular for back when it was released: PS2 compatibility. With the memory of the PS2 already pushed to the limits with the new expansions and new content and the seemingly limitless things to do, when the players ask for something, for example as described above: baggage space increase. This was nearly impossible for the PS2 to handle and required a lot of time and effort on SqareEnix's part to incorperate it probably costing them lost of money. And when they charge 9.99 for a 80 slot bag that works anywhere people go ape shit. It kinda makes me sad. Imagine someone saying "Draw me a picture with pretty colors" and the person only has a pencil so they go out and buy crayons. Wouldn't it be nice to chip in for that? We are all in this together (especially in this economy).

3. Alone

When I play FFXI... I sometimes feel alone. Yes, I recently found a group of six or so ppl who regular at my schedule and who know and respect me... but that doesn't mean shit. It isn't quite as fun when you can sit down at dinner and talk about your recent monster hunting party, knowing the person there, physically there, is understanding of what you have accomplished and gained. No to mention the offline chatting makes the text based chat seem like a toy. You can laugh at the same stupid crap people do when playing together or share an important moment if they are nearby. But now I am alone. There is no one in my "group" who would rather switch WOW for FFXI (most of the time I get a grimace or a chuckle and a snarky remark about the inferiority of FFXI and the superiority of WOW...) which leads me to trail back to the game... reluctantly... about once or twice a month so I can actually do something meaningful for someone else.

That's sad. And I'm not blaming them for NOT leaving WOW. Hell I wouldn't leave if I loved it as much as I love FFXI and I understand that the security of WOW brings them. But I can't help but wonder what would happen if WOW suddenly just dropped from the face of the earth. I'm guessing most people would just start playing on private servers...

/sigh

Suddenly...

I was lying on the ground when it hit me.

I was a part of it.

Shikigami Weapon Update

So we missed the first claim cause the monster popped early... oh well! Square Enix decided an emergency update was at hand which gave us one more "first" chance to get it... and we did! But the item didn't drop :( so I'm kinda disappointed considering we had Treasure Hunter 2 ... but at least we got the time of death. The only problem is I'm in charge of keeping track of it and I can't make it X_X;; OH NOES! Hopefully my Linkshell won't miss him tomorrow morning. I have a friend called Mehrel who is going to be helping camp it tomorrow morning while I'm at work so hopefully she will get TOD... but in any case... it means an early morning Monday!

Help.

I was walking through Vana'diel... when I realized he was gone...

And the tonberry's really don't care.

I was sitting in class... watching the book written in french...

And the professor doesn't really care.

I was reading about Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore...

And he just smiled back at me sadly with his shiny spectacles...


Still I keep looking for it.

That stupid item...

The hunt begins... April 8th...

Be prepared!

Grey Day

Amidst the dongs of noon are ravens.
Skyward, most go above and around me.
My ego is amused by their black laughter.
They will fall eventually. I mutter determinedly
while dull, content clouds float over-head.

Sex.

The night does not make me tremble,
but enfebbles me with excitment.
Curiously, you move towards my bed.
Even though you haven't touched me,
in the dark you're fur ruffles,
following rumbles from your throat,
all make me whine in ecstasy.
You finally make your fatal approach.
Shuddering under your ravenous gaze,
I go to taste that tense part,
that throbs above me, waiting.
A Milky Way flavored sweet.
Wet 'n Wild, when you pull out,
You know now only our rhythm,
may move you to rest soundly.
Oh, come deeper into the real me.
Must there be two owls,
hooting into this white night?
Higher, rasping in this newborn body,
but time to come home my master and slave,

forever,
your mourning dove.

Exam

So I just finished my french exam... it was interesting. I am aiming for a B+ at best though... B- for sure. I might get a C+ but I'm not too worried about it. The girl next to me hadn't even filled in most of the oral part, which is always a bonus to lift my spirits.

School has been tough lately. I've been keeping to classes and such but sometimes it feels so hard to go to class. My dad was a major part of my inspiration to achieve and finish school. Now that he is gone I feel like this huge chunk of me has just fallen off dead to the ground.

Not that I'm thinking of quitting school or anything like that. I love school and really want to graduate and become a teacher... it just harder now. I could always come home with a good grade or a nice report to see him happy that I was succeeding. That was what drove me to the point where Kyle, the C+ in high school is being offered a place in the honors society. And you know what? I don't really care.

Also things that should be awesome aren't as great as they seem anymore. Things such as my promotion at work just aren't as exciting anymore. I can sometimes feel the claws of depression clutch my heels.

The part that hurts the most is when I wake up everyday to the sun in my room, remembering that these special things are happening and that I haven't told dad yet... only to have it hit me that he isn't there to give me his praise or a smile of approval. He just isn't there.

Working on it!!!

Today is busy. School, Drug Test, School, Work. Simple yet deceptively intense.