Like Claws Creeping Up

I am getting depressed again.

Or maybe I am depressed.

I don't enjoy things I use to. I am always tired. I am always disgruntled. I am moody. I am irritable. I am unpleasant. I am sad. Always sad. I don't like to be alone. I feel angry. I am never satisfied.

And yet despite that, I am somehow happy. I look forward to each day. I am in love. I am loved. There is nothing wrong.

I don't know why I am sad. I am just sad. I have been depressed before, and I know what it feels like to be gripped by it's cold claws. It feels like something... like a dementor is stalking me. Stealing my happiness.

I am sure it has something to do with my father's passing.

But I am just sad. It isn't that I think about it. I try to move on. Acting like nothing ever happened. I don't dwell on it. I accept it. I can't change it. It will always be there. I don't want to think about it... if I can help it.

And sometimes I do think about it. It isn't bad. Just another memory surfacing like a balloon held under water. Sometimes I am afraid I will forget them all, but I know I can't. Not now at least.

And I don't dream dreams anymore. If I do dream, I dream nightmares. Terrible things. Always loss. Always fear. Always alone.

And I am always afraid. I am afraid of loss.