the forcible CRy

The problem with me is I don't understand what I want.
I know what I think I want, but could it be that what I want is what I need?
No, that doesn't make sense... it isn't what I need.
If I needed it I would have had it long ago and still had it.
But... I just got it... so how could I need it now?
I was doing fine before I found it.
Well... no I wasn't...
I was practically lying to myself actually.
Who didn't know that?
But I don't understand how I could have this.
Why have I been disease sticken if the whole world isn't?
Doesn't desire, such as a disease itself, become contracted from an outside host?
Or is this plague a Stand Alone Complex?
An illness that inhabits others too but has no origin...
It sounds farfetched.
Even unlikely.
It sounds like something I couldn't understand.
But I do now.
And if a Stand Alone Complex is occuring...
Then what makes these people any different from anyone else?
Is it something like... a super-hero?
All super-heros are the same, yet very different.
Each has a different power from a different source, yet all lead to the same title.
They are their own individuals with their own powers, yet each one has been granted it for very different reasons.
But what about those like the fantastic four who contracted powers through the same event?
All of those involved in the conflict were exposed to the same "host" of their powers, but all of them have different powers.
They aren't standing alone.
Then why do I make this comparison?
Maybe it is because,
I feel like I am standing alone.
My mind tells me that to be like this is not alright.
Yet the youth inside desires to be like the heros we idolize.
I want to be a Stand Alone Complex.
To be unique.
But to be unique is to be alone.
This is against our inner most desires.
So do I isolate myself because of this illness?
The virus I have carried that I do not want to spread did not even have an original host.
I am the original host.
Unless someone with my blood felt the same.
If they felt they were alone in the world...
Then why was I granted their mentality if it forced one into isolation?
I am not a direct desendant so I could not have been afflicted the same way.
Then maybe my assumptions are correct.
I do stand alone.
Although someone before me once stood alone, they no longer stand to be beside me.
So in the end I am the only true carrier.
But what about the others who are also affected?
What about those who aren't?
If I seek others then I will only be hurting myself.
Everything I have worked for will fall apart.
This is my prediction now, but in five years I bet this disease will have faded.
In its place will be something even more grotesque.
Isolationism.
After I knew about it, this was the only choice.
There was no other choice.
But Isolationism is hard to practice.
One deserves to be loved.
Now thats probubly the most powerful word I could name off the top of my head.
Its power is fading every day, and yet it is growing stronger.
In the end the meaning is changing.
What will replace love?
So far there seems to be nothing but a shell of what love was.
The true definition, along with the meaning, of love will be lost.
What can one define as love?
Does it depend on your society or culture?
Sometimes I just don't know.
I can only barter with myself endlessly until I agree with myself.
Then, when the rare person trails into my thoughts, they can challenge me.
In this way I develop.
But because I doubt myself so much I immediatly think they are correct.
And so I lose my own opinion.
This is not always the case.
In some issues I do know where I stand.
And there I stand firmly.
For example: The issue of Art.
What is Art?
A timeless answer that will indefinatly vary.
In my own eyes, I understand artwork completely.
In one glance I can see what is 'right' and what is 'wrong' with thie piece.
In almost every case though... I need to get close to the artwork itself.
I need to feel the paint strokes, the shape of the handworked clay, or the worked material.
In this way, I believe, one can truely understand what the artist was feeling when the piece was created.
Some people are more skilled at portraying their emotions, but everyone does it equally.
And this is why I cannot continue as an art major.
I understand what others cannot.
No matter how far I could get... I would still feel the same way.
Nothing would change.
Only "generalizations" could be agreed upon.
But I will always feel the same way.
You will always feel the same way.
That accomplishes nothing.
All we do is agree to agree that this piece fits this status.
Nothing more and nothing less.
It is something I know, somehow, that I have recieved from my ancestors.
Maybe that is how intellectuals are made.
Throughout time, the process of discovering pieces of the world are combined until one person exists with complete knowledge.
After that person has existed with all of these pieces in place, they can end the cycle eternally.
It reminds me of how some religions focus on the rebirth of the soul until one is 'pure' or enlightened.
Could the alternate meaning of enlightenment be all-knowing?
I have to look this one up.
Dictionary.com has defined the verb 'to be enlightened' as "make understand".
Does a complete understanding of the world coencide with salvation from life?
By 'salvation of life' I mean the end of the painful cycle of birth, death, and rebirth.
Yes, if you didn't know it being born hurts.
Yes, sometimes death hurts. But every time it is emotionally damaging.
Well, if birth hurt the first time... it can be assumed it will hurt again.
Does this cycle parallel to something else besides life?
Could it be the biggest generalization to the world?
Could you bring everything from your life and put it into this wheel of rebirth?
Would it all fit?
I think so.
Maybe that is all that counts.