Back to the Sea

My eyes ached so badly.
I wanted to cry.
My mouth shuddered slightly.
I wanted to say something.
My fingers felt cold.
I wanted to hold them.

As they began to break,
I reached out and pulled them close.
As they began to cry,
I held them against me.
As they began to apologize,
I refused to listen.

"Don't say anything."
Was all I could manage.

Don't think you are being selfish or selfless.
I tried so hard to put these to words,
But my inner walls rose like mountains,
and I became stiff as stone.
No tears fell from my cold eyes.

I remembered how I had felt this way,
How I did feel this way.

I couldn't speak of it.
I couldn't stand to think of it.
I couldn't bear to remember.

All I can do is feel those thoughts gently,
And watch the tide rise and fall,
Like heavy breathing,
But never breaching the rocks.

Because to breach the rocks,
That is something only God can do.

But that is why I admire them so much.
They are grasping these memories,
After all this time,
And washing them in the ocean tide,
Because they know what they feel,
Even if they don't realize it now.

I am watching them grow up,
I am watching them realize truth,
I am watching them live again.

I am alone on these shores,
Sitting on the sand.
Each grain a fragment of those rocks,
That are slowly wearing away,
Allowing the tide to slowly grow stronger,
As the New Moon approaches.

Will you be there,
On that darkest night,
When the wave consumes the rocks,
And washes my mind away,
So that I may be free again?

Free to be with who I choose,
Free to be with you.
Free to,
Choose,
You.