Final Fantasy XI - A Brief Summary

I remember first hearing about FFXI. FFX had just come out but I could only play it at a friend's house because I didn't own a playstation. I was excited because THIS final fantasy was for the computer, which I did own. Finally, I could play a final fantasy at my own home. Somehow I managed to make a trip to warwick in the early winter to compusa and bought the game. Little did I know how important this game would become to me.

When I installed the game (which took 5 CDs and over an hour) I quickly discovered that I needed to be online to play it. At the time we had AOL dial-up which we basiclly had for free because my parents used an AOL credit card to pay AOL off with the points they recieved for using it. Unfortunatly, my parents did not approve of paying a monthly fee for an online game. I even suggested selling my remaining video games and only playing this one for 12.95 a month using the money I would recieve from my other games. Again they said no. Nevertheless, I would occasionally log into FFXI at night and update the game to the recent patch just incase I could play in the near future for some reason. In the spring my hopes because reality.

The same friend who had owned FFX (and basiclly every other RPG for playstation that was worth playing) had also purchased FFXI and had convinced his mom to credit the monthly charge. All I heard about from him was how great the game was, all the adventures he had, and how great it would be if I could play with him. Sometimes he would let me borrow his account ID and password and let me play on his account when he wasn't playing (which was almost never). After much discussion we decided to make my account charged on his mom's credit card while I paid him the monthly fee to give to his mom. Finally I was able to play.

It took three characters but I finally made my first character that I stuck with for a few months. His name was Kataln. I adventured with him as a white mage (the hardest of the six starting classes to begin with) and loved ever second of it. The world was so vast, so many monsters and challenges, and you met so many people that the game never got boring. I had troubles playing at night though because my mom would wake up late at night and see the ringer off the hook in her room and know I was "online". I got in trouble quite a few times for that.

Before school ended, my friend got in trouble for having two accounts on his mom's credit card and I lost my account. I had just reached lvl 16 white mage and had completely destroyed the entire party by trying out my new higher level cure, causing my death and the rest of the party as well. I never logged in again with that account to bring Kataln back to life.

During the summer I managed to convince my parents to let me play FFXI online over the summer because I had nothing better to do. I had to rebuy FFXI because my friend, in the process of canceling the credit card charge, deleted my account and Kataln. I remember sitting at the computer, creating the account I had now and wondering what I was going to name my character. After about 30 minutes of playing around with names I came up with Katun. He had longer hair than Kataln did and looked more boyish, but I thought that he was awesome. Again I started as white mage and had to work hard to recover the ground I had lost. Luckily, white mage is an important job to have in a party so I got lots of group invites and leveled up quickly.

Around this time my brother started to notice I was spending a lot more time on the computer than usual. He would peek in on my game playing and rat on me if i was playing FFXI when I wasn't suppose to. One day, I decided to let him try it. I only let him play for a little while, but he really wanted to play after that first high I guess. Around this time my friend had abandoned FFXI and didn't want to play anymore. I was hurt by this because I had started playing to play online with him in the first place. I convinced him to give me the account information and transformed it into my brother's account.

As time passed my character grew stronger and my brother, who seemed to play twice as much as I did, caught up to me in no time. WIth me on my laptop and him at the PC the week after christmas, I finally unlocked the hidden job summoner. It was my ultimate goal to recieve this job because this was my favorite of all the jobs in the game. In any final fantasy, summoner is always my favorite. It was difficult to unlock but I managed with the help of my friends Kreos and Sadrith. I had made friends with them while unable to play with my RL friend who stopped playing.

For a long time I was on and off final fantasy after that. Either I didn't have enough time to play, was too stressed with school and drama to play, or it was too hard to progress farther in the game. My brother didn't stop though. He managed to reach my level with 3 different jobs and unlock almost every hidden job in the game. After canceling my subscription 3 times and reactivating it each time, I finally decided to start playing again.

By this time Sadrith and Kreos were WAY beyond my level and I had a hard time playing with them. My brother and I started playing more often together because our levels were closer. While I was on and off the game he had convinced a guy named Fuma that he was a girl and was using him to get all the items and quests he needed finished. It was really funny. At one point they were suppose to be married, but I think it was called off for some reason.

During college Fuma and my brother were fighting and were in an on and off relationship that ended up finally ending with Fuma unable to log into FFXI because his ISP was canceled. Sadrith and Kreos quit the game I think because they are never online anymore. I should search the world for them, but then I think about all those times I searched for my old friend who had made me begin playing the game when I was a newbie. It's times like that when I can say that the fun in this game really comes from playing the person who I can physically see next to me. My brother.

We've fought a lot over the years. A LOT. We've drawn blood on numerous occasions and made 'bad' children look angelic. Somehow though, dispite our differences in music, friends, and lifestyles, we can always sit down together and play FFXI and not fight over simple things. Over the years of us playing together, I think we've acctually grown closer because of FFXI. I don't really know if that's the case or if we've just 'grown up'. Either way, this game is amazing and is only for those who want a life changing experience. As with most Final Fantasy's, this is a game only for hard-core gamers looking for a real challenge. At least that's what I say. You can say otherwise if you want.

Either way, I'll still be logging in with my brother the next chance I get.

Are you dead yet?

After writing to my relatives, I paused before clicking the send button.

I began to wonder:

Will they even care if I'm dead tomorrow?

Scared

Shaking and Uncertain,
I return to the Lost Grounds
Seeking what I thought wasn't there
In hope that
Maybe,
Like before,
I was wrong.

Rant 2

Dear you,
I enjoyed the time we had
And the times we didn't.
I don't regret what could have
Happened
Because right now
I have so much more
Than you could have given me
Or I to you.
Where ever you are
At this time
I hope you have found
What you were looking for.
I don't want you to suffer
Anymore
On your road to
Find yourself.
In my experience, the suffering ends
When you decide to
Look at yourself from the outside in
Rather than the inside out.
And, although my words may
Fall on deaf ears,
I offer you a moment of silence
So that you may listen to
Yourself.

Rant 1

To all of those who can hear me,
If you still can that is,
To all of those who hurt me
I tell you now I am grateful
Of that suffering.
It isn't because it wasn't painful,
It isn't because it wasn't worthwhile,
It's because it was nessisary.
I am sorry you can't all hear me right not.
In fact, the only ones who will hear
Are those who will listen
And will empathize my story.
It really is too bad
That I am spending my time on you,
The ones who will hurt me again.
But it isn't because I care for you
Anymore,
It's because I am doing this for me.
I have taken the steps to move past
The events that ended your hearing.
I don't even care if you
Get your hearing back.

Losing the Week

Of all the things I miss most.
I miss seeing your face.
And now that I can't...

What the hell.
Now I've lost my week.

It has arrived!

Blogging has returned!

Deathnote? Really?

So I went to go see the Deathnote movie recently. I liked it. Kind of a spin on the whole idea that writting down something somehow becomes reality (except the difference being that something is death). I would highly recommend the live action movie anytime to anyone looking for something new and exciting. It made me think, if I had the Deathnote... the world around me would be chaos >:-O (Kyle + Book of Death = Wombats with Revolvers)

100th Post - Turning to another page

Alas! 100 Posts already! My computer is due next week by thursday so I can't wait to start blogging again to releave some of this writer's cramp that is filling my brain. My moleskin is half-way full and I'm getting tired of my handwritting. I want to write more than just train-of-thought in the moleskin but I just can't bring myself to write much in a small, palm sized pad. I recently got a book of haiku poems that I absolutely love... so expect a few of those on the way. Got to go for now but I hope to post again very soon!

Computer Delay

I'm so sorry I can't blog like I have been. My computer (a Dell) has been overheating and crashing so I had to send it out. I sent it April 29 and because Dell is taking so long to fix my computer they are just gonna send me a new one! So now I am getting my old E1705 upgraded to the new 1720! Check it out at Dell.com if you feel the need. It has the full keyboard like I wanted and should also be a bit lighter (maybe... I might be a little too hopeful). Anyways, hopefully I'll be back online regularly starting Monday. (Oh please let it be so!)

PS: I just got a package from Dell. It was a small metal box that turned out to be the only piece of my computer that survived the chopper... the Hard Drive :-( Good thing I backed up my data on my external HD!

Lost Stanza

But now.
Now is not the time.
To cry.
Because what I face.
Now.
Is nothing.
It is nothing.
At least.
When I look into your eyes.
With or without vision.
My heart.
It leaps.
And I remember.
What it feels like.
To be at peace.
Again.
With your soul.
An elbow's length away.
So my eyes.
Don't have to be.
Alone.
Anymore.

I will always be there.
Even if I go away.
Even if I move away.
Even if I die.
Even if I can't.
I promise.
I promise.

And that promise.
It amazes people.
Even you.
But to me.
To promise.
To one person.
To you.
That I will.
Is a promise.
To be your Hero.
Not the world.

But to be a Hero.
For one.
Is much harder.
For most.
Than to be.
A world.

Remember.
There is one person.
Who can see.
That you are.
Beautiful.
Remember.
Remember.

So when I.
Am mindless.
Be there.
And I will recall.
What it feels like.
To be at peace.
Again.
With your soul.
And my eyes.
Don't have to be.
Alone.
Anymore.

The Scarlet Harlot

I am never good at being emotional.
Please, understand this.
I am never the one to cry.
And I don't like to admit that I do.
Sometimes.
When I am alone.
I feel something on my face.
And I know that the tears are there.
When I am alone.
There is no one to hide them from.
So they escape my conciousness.
And become involuntary capilaries.
Falling from my face.

I am not an 'emo' punk.
I am not starving for attention.
I am not anything worth mentioning.
If it weren't for you.
I know.
I would fade into the background.
I would be lost in my own fantasy.
I would not want reality.
If there wasn't you.
I wouldn't be me.

So many "I"s.
How can you stand me?
As selfish and selfless as I am.
There is no better way to describe.
A first born.
Just so willing to give.
And yet not see what he is giving.
Or to whom.
Just to give it to them.
Because you can't have.
You just can't.
You don't deserve it like.
They do.

But you are.
So much more than they are.
As I am here trying.
To bring back the reasons.
For myself.
Not letting tears come to me.
And I decide that.
I am a rock.
Why would you deserve.
To be with a rock.
I don't decide that.
But the water inside the rocks.
That is what matters.
Or does it.

Don't try to change.
Who I am.
All that I ask.
Is that you let me.
Be here with you.
So that when I.
The rock.
Begin to split.
With the weight of water.
I will be able.
To have someone there.
Who I can trust.
To hold me together.
And say over a thousand things.
Without saying anthing.

I am not hiding.
Not anymore.
Don't call me a coward.
For not saying anything.
Because I am not scared.
I just know that.
No matter what.
There aren't.
Words.
To sound emotion.
Only the music.
That I hear.
In my silent ears.
Can echo those notes.
That fail me.
And my voice.

But ask me.
For anything.
And it will be yours.

All you have to do.
Is ask.

And maybe rub my lamp.

The Boy and The Door

The boy was
standing by the door
waiting for it to open.

the door was
waiting by the boy
cracked open to see inside.

the boy is
peeking through the crack
looking for his missing piece.

the door is
rusting at the hinges
trying to move an inch.

the boy will
try to crawl through
only to find no walls.

the door will
creak as the boy
crawls past his lost frienD.

Computer Still Broken

My computer is still broken, but I shall try to post using my friends laptop.

Computer Issues

So next Wednesday I get to send my computer to the doctor to get a full check-up. Hopefully this repair won't take too long... :-(

Calling to the Source

I call out to you now
High enough to hear your voice
Lost and true with no reason
But to cry when no one knows why
There is no hero here with us
To save us in these hours of pain.
How am I to give up hope
When the world is already lost?
The only truth left is what I know
So how am I to let it go?
So who am I to let it go?
What is your plan for me?
What is my plan for you?
Just don't give up on me
And I won't give up on you
So long as you don't ever teach me
How to save a life.

Nap

Softly I realized I was in a large airport. There were so many people... I couldn't recognize anyone. There were cross-walks, moving sidewalks, and all were full of people. They were bumping into me, pushing me aside, none of them talking, but a loud babble arose from the mass. I was suddenly under worry. I was alone. Everyone here was alien to me. I didn't even know where I was in the airport. I started to move through the people, trying to find a familiar gate or stairway or convinience store. Everything seemed new to me. I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I began to break down. I was a small child in the middle of the airport. There was no one here with me. Tears rolled down my face. I can see myself on the ground. I am pitiful. I am alone. I can't hear myself over the babble of the people, but I can still hear the music playing throughout the building.

The Sound of Silence...

I can still hear the words in my head...

Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one deared
Disturb the sound of silence.

Fools said i,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whisperd in the sounds of silence.

And then I saw him in the crowd. He turned, saw me, and smiled. I was so shocked to see him that I awoke, but... then I really was alone... and...

Returner

Often I will go back to that place when left to my own devices.
There is something innocent, yet deceptively terrible about that place.
That place, what a place indeed.
Why should I go back to a place where a deaf mute lies?
Nothing can be done for that.
Just turn yourself around and dance away into the green petals,
the red dress, the dead lips, with black kiss,
But within a momentary break in the story.
The story keeps going until you end it.

MOLESKIN ENTRY (fragments) - 4/6/08 - The Reason

I lost kiss again. I lost it. Fuck. I had it and I lost it. I am close to getting it back, but I don't want to lose them again... my lips. They are on my face, my head, my jaw. They are below my nose, above my chin, between my cheeks. They are surrounded by me, but they are not mine. Help me make them mine {again} so that I can make them yours {again}. Please. Hold me. Thrill me. Kiss me. Kill me.

->

I am tired and have been (-)less for ({a while now}). 3 days. Then, when I finally go to him, I am so broken and tired that I can't even give him what he deserves. I am selfish. Tired. I need a long rest. I will go back to ({him}) and rest. (-). (-). Don't (-) give up on me. Please. That is all I can do. Please. Please. Please. (-) I'm scared. Can you (-)? (-) , but maybe that's because (-). I'm sorry, I can't do anything (-). (-). (-) begun to fix the broken puzzle in your mind. I am doing mine right now. {Don't wait for me. I will get there too. I promise.}

20 + 1 = 21

As I watch her walk by,
I reach to my side,
And pull from my deck,
XX - Judgement.

She glances and sighs,
But reaches with her eyes,
And sees in my left,
XXI - The World.

Sanctuary by Utada Hikaru

Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i...
In you and I,
theres a new land
Angels in flight
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i...
My sanctuary,
my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i...
What's left of me?
What's left of me now?

I watch you fast asleep
All I fear means nothing

In you and I,
theres a new land
Angels in flight
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i...
My sanctuary,
my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i...
What's left of me?
What's left of me now?

Snwod dna spu ynam os...
My heart's a battleground
Snoitome eurt deen i...
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i...
Snoitome eurt deen i...

You show me,
how to see
That nothing is whole,
and nothing is broken

In you and I,
theres a new land
Angels in flight

My sanctuary,
my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music in time
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i...
What's left of me?
What's left of me now?

My fears
My lies
Melt away

Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i...

Going Back to Dole

Who ever thought that bring back Dole would be... terrible...

Who saw through the pages and stories and saw... ghosts...

More Ghosts...

More Awakenings...

More Compression...

84th Post

This is post 84, which marks the point at which I have successfully surpassed my other blog in length. When reflecting on this, I wonder what could have sparked me to write as much as I had in 2 years of High School in just 6 recent months. It is obvious that I have been through a lot of changes psychologically and physically (by that I mean going from 130-175 pounds every two months). The real question is: Is this a good thing? I would like to think so. In fact, I know so. I have had more to write about recently than I have ever had or wanted to write about. I have used writting as a tool to develop myself and continue onward in life. Now I have a huge collection of works to look back upon and remember the emotions that were put into these pieces. Some are huge rants, some brief sentences (or rather fragments and sometimes just words) but length has no meaning when compared to the memories tied with these works. It is an odd feeling... rereading the cryptic and not so cryptic writing and recalling why I chose each word, made each sentence, made the stanzas. It is truly moving to recall these moments that I don't want to recall... but in some twisted part of my mind... I want these moments to reread and remember, because I need to learn from my mistakes and sometimes I need to remember the ones I made. I am a different person from the one who wrote each of those pieces. Time allows me to look back at them and see what I was really thinking... or maybe it is what I wished I were thinking...

Precious

"All you have to do is to decide what to do with the time given to you."
-Gandalf the Grey, Mithrandir, Olórin
...
-J.R.R. Tolkien

Sleep Without Sleep

There once was this place,
Where I could be at ease,
Be at peace with myself.

There once was this bed,
Where I could rest my weary head,
And never think about when or why.

But now that I'm here,
I feel like part of me died,

And there's no reason to worry or fret.

But how can I lay alone?
How can I go back to cold?

Why waste my time here,
When I could whisper in your ear,

The secret of our sanctuary.

My Monologue

Never was I...
one to cry.
Never did I...
think that I had died...
until I woke up...
and saw myself...
yesterday.
There are some things we consider small,
but this is one that I didn't see at all.
Standing there in the dirty john,
looking at what he's loved all along,
I feel like a woman,
examining each part,
but knowing it's not there right from the start.
For a while I did not see,
that part that was cut right off of me.
Maybe that's because I never really knew myself,
until I had known someone else.
And now without my choice,
I've got nothing left but my head and voice,
I don't understand how I had gone without,
but scars reveal just how it came about,
and I make my eyes mimic the marks,
until they turn away.
Now like a young mother,
I'll never see it,
again...

Innocent by Fuel

Satan, you know where I lie
Gently I go into that good night
All our lives get complicated
Search for pleasures overrated
Never armed our souls
For what the future would hold
When we were innocent

Angels, lend me your might
Forfeit all my lives to get just one right
All those colors long since faded
All our smiles all confiscated
Never were we told
We'd be bought and sold
When we were innocent

This prayer is for me tonight
This far down that line and still ain't got it right
And while confessions not yet stated
Our next sin is contemplated
Never did we know
What the future would hold
Or that we'd be bought and sold
We were innocent

Flood Gates Breaking

I am not alone.

Not anymore.

BAD Bad bad...

Don't be fooled by the begger's poor appearance.
Don't be tricked by the sleeves of the magician.
Please look beyond the eyes of priest n' nuns,
Cause there's always something bigger than God
_ s.
hope

Seperate your warm and kindly spirit.
Divide your cold and pure selfish intentions.
Follow what you know to be true to yourself,
There is really no one else but you
who?
you

Take these parts and put them in containers.
Shelter them and water expectations.
Now watch what happens to these parts,
When left alone to die
No!
They'll grow until they meet the other side.

Fright

Don't be afraid.
Let your spirit free.
Move foward.
Reach to the sky.
Call to Quetzalcoatl.
Feel your skin glow white.
Rise into the grey storm.
Pass through the frosted cirri.
Enter Arausio and live.
Soar away into Sea.
Cross into the World.
Dive deep into Gaia.
Find Nyx.
Believe in yourself.
But don't give up love.
Oh God... please don't.

Heir of the New Moon

-I posted an earlier version of this before, but I found the updated edition so I deleted that post and posted this version. I'll call it v1.2 for the record.-



Brotherhood, the age old tale of
Trust, friendship, courage, and unity.
These simple things taken for granted
are named by those who know of that love.

Why is it then that two brothers
Overwhelmed with hatred could unite?
Was it their own will that they fought
With only death in their minds?

It was their tale to ease the minds of
Burdened families, to give them hope
That their children would follow
the footsteps of those described in,

The 11th Epitaph
Once said to be a fantasy, or
Rather, a final union of brothers.

In the Federation of Windurst
Was the home of a family.
Originating from Bastok, city of mines,
These Humes fled from the great war.

Tales of a great forbidden magick
That protected the city from beastmen.
A magick far greater than any known
One that harnesses the power of Gods.

Even the legendary Knights
of the Kingdom of San d’Oria,
Who are noble and courageous,
Would fall at this power.

The Hume family fled to Windurst
In hopes of receiving the protection
From the one who could call upon
The Gods themselves as his Avatars.

Karaha-Baruha, sacrificing his life,
Saved the Windurstians from their strife.
But the power of Gods was then restrained
The nature of Gods ascertained

And so the power was then sealed.
The Gods put to sleep for a time
Until awakened by the one
Who could control the God’s in Prime.

And so the family rested here
with Karaha-Baruha’s secret
Unaware their child would be
The one to awaken the sleeping Gods.
Foretold was his birth by Emila,
Fortune Teller of Mhaura,
A terrible fate that awaited him.
Only one katun he had to live.

Katun, the first born of these Humes.
His birth was praised, the only heir,
But 20 years he was doomed to live
And the family name was his alone.

Little hope was there for his life,
But still he tried to outlast this strife.
20 years was enough to find a way,
To lift the curse and change his name.

The family resented Katun’s name
And so trained Ars, the adopted
Brother, a Taru-Taru or Halfling
And was more praised for his subsisting.

And so Katun was left to die.
With only 1 year left to live
He had done nothing to his benefit
Or to his family’s approval.

One day, in the Optistery,
Katun read of Karaha-Baruha.
He wondered of the Gods
And their powers to protect.

And with that power, the city was saved.
If these Gods could save a city
Then perhaps they could save Katun
If he could make them his Avatars.

An item he did require,
Thought to be long lost
Was a mystical Ruby,
The Carbuncle’s Ruby,

The Bringer of Rainbows.

So Katun explained to his family
In hopes of gaining their help
And giving them a chance to love him
But they did not approve.

“That magic was forbidden
After Karaha-Baruha’s death.
You would bring shame to us all,
And to the Star Sybil herself!

If you join with his fate though,
We will not be saddened
For you are doomed to die
On your twentieth birthday

So your life has no meaning.
Go enjoy your play while you can
For it has a foreseeable end.
And not even the Gods can change
What fate they have planned.”

And so Katun prepared to embark
To begin a quest
That could save his life
Or hasten its end.

At Windurst’s Gate awaited Ars.
Katun’s brother not blood
His enemy at the heart.
The one was catalyst for the other.

“What are you doing?
You’ve no idea!
The troubles that await you outside,
There is no way to save your life.
20 years doomed will end short!
Save your last breath for us to enjoy.
Why give it to the wandering beasts?
Make use of yourself while you can
Try fishing for Carp, they sell well.”

Katun was stubborn as he replied,
“And leave the family name to one
As soft as you and watch from above
While your offspring crawl sickly
And grow into large maggots?
I will not stay still an idle.
The name is my burden alone.
Besides, I can save myself.
I seek an item outside these gates
That I will use to my benefit.
I will find it.”

“Then why not employ me?”
Ars replied as sly as he could,
“I’ve been all over this region
And know more than many do
how to collect rare artifacts.
Even one as weak as yourself
Could survive at my side.”

Katun’s rage grew inside him.
He left Ars behind without delay.
He would find the artifact without him,
The Carbuncle’s Ruby.

Outside the gates lay Sarutabaruta,
A vast grassland with few dangers
Yet one danger was enough
And Katun was not schooled in battle.

What little schooling he had
Was spent on the art of healing.
Though battle ready and determined,
He was only assistance in battle.

The party required a fighter.
Katun saw a lone soldier
Who, though still physically young,
Seemed a skilled Warrior.

Kreos, a Hume from Bastok,
Was brave and courageous. But
Tenaciously expressed a need to
Demonstrate his merits.

He accepted Katun’s invitation.

They traveled the grassland
While searching for the item
The rare Carbuncle’s Ruby.
A manifistation of an Avatar.

And so he and Kreos journeyed
Through the Tahrongi Canyon
Past skeletons and goblins
And the Maze of Shakhrami.

To Mhaura, where Katun’s fate
Was ultimately decided.
Of all the places to search
Here he was certain to find it.

Just outside the town, at the
Buburimu Peninsula beach,
They killed a possessed leech.
And within it lie the item.

Katun obtained the Carbuncle’s Ruby.

As he held the blood red ruby
A voice called out to him
Katun wondered if this was
An Avatar he held within the gem.

Kreos managed to fight their way
Through many possessed leeches
And hordes of Goblin Hunters
Until they reached Mhaura.

The port town of Mhaura
Was home to the trade ships
That passed between twin port towns.
Mhaura and Selbina.

Katun was reluctant to voyage
But Kreos was eager to go
To prove his strength and courage.
So they paid the fare and went.

The voyage was peaceful
Until Sea Monsters attacked!
All the passengers were killed
But Kreos and Katun fought on.

The Sea Horrors were too much
For even Kreos with Katun’s aid.
But before the final blow was struck,
Sadrith, the Black Mage, appeared.

Sadrith had a cat-like appearance,
As Mithran’s are often described.
Risk taking and gambles were her hobby.
Life was a game that she prescribed.

She could control the elements
And she was skilled in the dark magick.
With secret words and incantations
The elements began to collide.

Thunder echoed across the ship,
Fire burned within the Horrors,
And they were Stoned to death.
Katun and Kreos had been saved.

When they docked in Selbina
Sadrith joined the party,
And as she did, she heard the ruby.
Katun revealed it to her.

Then the voice came out
Not just as a call to Katun,
But as a command to them all.

“Take me to La Theine Plateau
And I shall awaken to bestow
Upon you our powers of many
You carrier of twenty.”

Katun was not afraid of this call.
He wanted to be one with them,
The Gods whose power could save
Katun’s life, deep inside the gem.

And so Keros and Sadrith
Joined along with Katun
And ventured across the sands
Of the scorching Valcrum Dunes.

The air was instense
The sand was hot
No water
So tired
Must
Stop

At an old Oasis they halted.
Katun was out of breath.
Sadrith needed hydration.
Kreos collapsed in a heap.

There was no water here.
The Palm Trees had been too greedy.
They could not continue onward.
Was this the end of the quest?

As Katun relinquished,
He saw two figures moving
Toward the broken bodies.
But who it was he couldn’t tell.

Katun fainted.

He awoke to find Ars beside him.
He quickly got red in the face.
Katun had been saved by his brother
And yet he showed no sign of thanks.

Katun suddenly noticed Ars
He was no longer a man
But dressed and clothed as a woman.
Kreos and Sadrith did not notice.

“Thank the kind woman!” they said,
“And thank her fiancee as well!”
Another appeared from behind Katun.
Now there were two Halfling Taru-Taru.

Fuma, the great pirate, was here.
He was obsessed with his Fiancee,
Doing anything she asked of him.
But did not know her true identity.

The brothers looked between each other.
Katun saw a gleam in Ars’ eye,
A plead to not be unveiled.
The tables had turned this time.

Katun was more powerful
A tattle he would be
But revenge he did desire.
Thoughts of Ars’ favoritism
From family blood not of his own
Because Katun was cursed
And his family had abandoned him.
It was Ars he hated most.
Ars was his enemy.
Katun was ready to speak against him.

But Ars then pulled him to one side
And quickly explained she was a spy.
While womanly appearance he did bear,
The benefits he gained were theirs to share!
Fuma was wealthy, as sky pirates are.
An Airship too could take them far!

And so Ars offered himself,
A master of Monster Abilities.
And Fuma the great pirate,
A legendary Corsair.

In exchange for Katun’s silence
They’re power Ars would lend
And help Katun on his quest
As far as the end.

Katun felt this was a good trade.
Ars’ hidden secret,
And Fuma’s pirate fortune,
Would be most useful in times of misfortune.

And so reluctantly Ars joined Katun.
The brother now a sister.
Siblings they remained to the others.
Rivals they were to each other.

Ars and Fuma had ventured from La Theine
And soon the party left the sandy wild
To the mountainous region
of the Elvaan sheep herders.

The La Theine Plateau was vast
And where to go was at once seen.
A beautiful rainbow arched high above.
And at one side was a circle of stone.

Katun brought the ruby to this place
And out of the Ruby came a great beast.
A myscial light filled their eyes
And Carbuncle himself did appear.

The God spoke to them, pleadingly
“Help me awaken the sleeping Gods.
A great shadow is ever drawing near
With their power we can resist
That ancient evil which was once sealed.
If you can control them all
Avatars they become, for you
And your wish they may grant
But twenty years is drawing near
And time is short for you to aquire
The Gods you so desire.
Travel to the Crystals in which they dwell
And prove yourself worthy of their power.
I will assist you,
But us alone shall go
To face the awakened beast.
The six seals of the Avatars
They are both near and far:
Ifrit of Fire, inside his cauldron,
Mount Yuhtunga.
Ramuh of Lightning, deep in Zi’Tah,
The Boyahda Tree.
Shiva of Ice, in a lost city,
Fey’Yin.
Garuda of Wind, at the worlds end,
Cape Teriggan.
Titan of Earth, beneath Altepa sand,
The Quicksand Caves.
Leviathan of Water, deep within
The Den of Rancor.
Travel to these places
And there you will find the sleeping Gods.
Call upon me during that time.”

And then Carbuncle vanished
Into the Crimson Ruby.
There was nothing more to be said.
The party began the arduous quest.

On Fuma’s airship they did fly
Travel was faster in the sky.
But was the ship’s speed enough
To get them there in time?

Mount Yuhtunga was deep in the jungle.
And Kreos’ bravery was tested.
Countless monsters he did slay
But never did they seem to stray.

They protected the Mount.
They knew the party’s goal.
But then Kreos provoked them all
And in hatred they forgot their role.

As the adventurers fled
into the volcanic abyss,
Kreos’ last cries could be heard
As he was devoured.

With Kreos’ sacrifice
They had reached the Crystal.
And Katun mourned.
But Ars consoled Katun.

Ars would not let him give up.
There was no time to waste.
There were only 6 months left
Before the prophecy was fulfilled.

Kreos’ death must not be in vain.
Katun approached the divine mass.
Ars was right, there was no time.
He must defeat the Ifrit Prime.

He grasped the crystal with both hands
And into the divine land his mind was.
Ifrit was awakened
And he challenged Katun.

Katun unveiled the rare Ruby
And Carbuncle defeated the beast.
Ifrit released himself from sleep
And gave himself to Katun.

And so Katun received his first Avatar.
Though Kreos had died
The party knew they must move on
The next trial awaited.

Deep in Zi’Tah was the ancient tree
Which housed the Cloister of the God.
The Boyahda Tree was where he dwelled
The God of Thunder awakened as well.

Ramuh of Thunder was also overcome.
Carbuncle’s light too strong for him.
He became Katun’s second Avatar.
And the party held together.

Shiva of Ice was hard to reach.
Fey’Yin had been lost for ages past.
Sadrith was one of few who knew the way

Using magick as a veil,
With Sadrith’s spell they would prevail.
A way to venture into the danger,
But along the road death was no stranger.

Too close to a beast, she tested her luck.
A great shadow knight
She probed into sight,
But did not wish to be struck.

The dark magick of Sadrith,
While she was invisible to most,
Was not strong enough to blind
The eyes of death’s great host.

It slayed her while was astray
As the party fled away.
Her cries of pain
Were quickly restained.

Now once five was three
And all three mourned her,
Ars inferred that Katun move on.
Katun agreed to Ars’ deduction.

And so with Ars’ help
Katun entered the crystal
And Carbuncle defeated Shiva Prime
Her powers she gave to Katun.

Garuda was fourth, and gave in with ease.
Seeing her fellow Gods with Katun
She eagerly agreed
And granted herself to him.

But the travel to Garuda
Took valued time
And now only two months remained
With two Primes still asleep.

Titan was deep in Altepa’s sands
Deep in Quicksand Caves was his Cloister.
His heart was hardened by a lost love
But Carbuncle eased Titan’s pain.

And with Titan Prime’s Avatar
Katun was one God away.
Though exhausted from travel
Ars kept Katun’s spirits high.

Fuma’s airship was built for speed
But with one month left
Time was short.
Katun’s breath was growing weak.

The curse was affecting his health
And the divine enounters were tough.
With one God left to face,
Katun began to disgrace.

They arrived and traveled down
Deep into the Den of Rancor.
And there was the final Crystal
Where the Leviathan awaited.

Katun was so ill he could hardly stand.
With Fuma’s and Ars’ help
Katun reached his hands out
And he entered the mystic realm.

Carbuncle confronted the Avatar.
Leviathan Prime would not give in.
The battle waged between them was great
And Carbuncle was almost lost.

But in the end Leviathan’s will broke.
He was turned and seeing the others
Katun had gathered, he too gave in.
The final Prime was attained.

And so the party rejoiced!
Katun stood in as if in a trance
While Ars did the Taru-Taru dance
And Fuma shot his rifle in joy.

Then Katun called Carbuncle to his side.
The task had been completed.
But to the party’s disgrace
This was not the case.

Carbuncle tried with all his might
But all six Avatars were not enough
To vanquish the curse from Katun.
In dispair, Katun fell to the ground

His efforts had been for nothing.
But Ars then stood up for Katun.
He challenged Carbuncle’s means.
Ars demanded another path!

“There must be another way
This cannot be the end.
I’ve read the ancient stories.
About how Karaha-Baruha
Defended the city from doom.
There is another God,
One you’ve overlooked.
Fenrir, God of the Moon,
The true power that saved our city.”

Of course Carbuncle knew
But he dared not challenge that beast.
The God of the Moon was too great a force
For even Karaha-Baruha.

But with eleven days left, they had no choice.
Carbuncle showed them the way
To Fenrir’s Moonlit Seal
Locked away deep under Windurst.

Down they traveled through ruins
And into Toraimarai Canal
Where at its end lay the seal
At the Full Moon Fountain.

This time they entered the seal together.
Fuma on his left and Ars at his right,
Katun fell through the seal
And began to face Fenrir Prime.

Katun held up the Ruby one last time.
Carbuncle appeared and began to call
Upon Katun’s six Avatars.

“Ifrit, Ramuh, Shiva!
Garuda, Titan, Leviathan!
Lend me your strength!
The final battle has come!
Make Fenrir break!”

Ars and Fuma joined the battle,
But their attacks were resisted.
Even Carbuncle, with the six Gods
Power imbued within him was no match.

Fuma used his rifle with skill.
Bullets burst through the air,
Though as magicked as the bullets were
None found their mark.

Katun watched as Fuma fell.
Fenrir unleashed his wrath upon them all.
With one howl, Fuma was killed
As he gazed into Ars’ eyes.

And Ars flintched.

“Katun, we need your help!
Carbuncle requires your strength to win!
If you are my brother
Then prove it to me now!
Even though you may die
You will always be my brother!
If not in blood, then in spirit!”

Katun realized then that
Even though Ars was his rival,
They shared something unique
That few could experience.

While Kreos lived for pride,
The need to prove strength
Not only to the world
But to himself.

And Sadrith for risk,
The urge to press onward
And elude death
Only to end in his loving arms.

And Fuma for love,
The ever conscious need
That while false on the shell
Was alive within the soul.

The unity of Brotherhood
Was Ars and Katun’s together.
Something true only to them
That no one could share.

Using the Astral Flow,
Katun then bonded with Carbuncle.
The connection between them was full
And God and Avatar were one.

Katun released Carbuncle’s restrains
Using his remaining strength
And a Searing Light tore at the Prime
As Carbuncle rose to his peak.

Fenrir was unable to withstand.
The power was too great.
And so the God of the Moon
Was finally broken.

He bowed before Katun,
Who fell to the ground.
The remaining life within
Was none but a small glimmer.

Fenrir granted Katun his power
And also his wish.
Life was restored to him,
And the curse had vanished.

Carbuncle returned to the Ruby,
And the 8 Avatars fell to sleep,
Where they would dwell
Until Katun called upon them again.

Ars and Katun then rejoiced.
They emerged from the adventure,
Instead of rivals,
Unifited Brothers.

With Katun’s life saved
From the 20 year curse
He could change his name.
But he did not,
For Katun’s name would serve
As a memory of this tale
So that he would never forget.

When they returned home to Windurst,
The family did not quarrel.
Katun was finally accepted
And the family anointed them both.
Both Katun and Ars would seed their name.

To Jeuno they traveled
They joined in the Starlight Festival.
Where all races and origins
From Bastok, San d’Oria, and Windurst
Celebrated the New Year
Honoring the dead
But always rejoicing
The living.

After the year turned,
The brothers together then ventured
Out to save the world
And in the end became
The most famous adventurers of them all.

At least to themselves.

“So, same time next weekend?”
“I’ve got to work all day.”
“I won’t be back til 5 Friday night.”
“Alright, I guess I’ll see you then.”

“{Good bye!}”

/shutdown

I...

I'll be here...

Why?

I'll be waiting... here...

For what?

I'll be waiting... for you... so...

If you come here...

You'll find me.

I promise.

Mirror rorriM

I see a mirror in front of me.
Everyone wants to look at it.
And they want me to look at it too.
It's one of those things about people.
They always want you to look at it.
But I don't always want to look.
Because they think that you'll see what they see.
When you look into the mirror.
And I just can't.
Because when I look into the mirror.
I don't see them.
I see me.
And I see more than they ever will.
And they'll see more than I ever will.
So staring into the mirror.
Is pointless.
Because why ponder the things you want to change.
When you can change them now.
But you can't always change those things.
Standing in front of a mirror.

'Kiss'

After a second... it came back to me... like waves on a beach. Slowly at first... then almost instantanious. Damn it felt terrible. I could feel the acid creeping up my throat, burning it lightly. I didn't want to think about it. My hand went to my head. It wasn't enough to block out those images. He continued to talk to me, but I was lost inside the memories... the memories of 'kiss'... I remembered how unemotional it was, how I didn't truely want to, how terrible it was to 'kiss'. I remembered how it was molestation, infestation, descrimination. I remember their face, her face, always the face. After everything had ended there was always 'kiss' and it never mattered what it was or when it ended. Never had I ever wanted to 'kiss'. No one ever deserved or should have me. I did not want to give that to them... it was my own need to become what was expected of me which made me give. In another way, I too had wanted to learn to enjoy 'kiss' as they had. Never did I succeed. In some dark, dank place in my mind I had locked 'kiss' away. Nothing was to touch it. 'Kiss' wasn't wrong, it just wasn't like I had wanted it to be. 'Kiss' to me was like losing some part of my virginity and not being satisfied with the results. It was in this dark, dank place I had returned to and was sitting in. Although 'kiss' was no longer here, I still could feel the terrible scars on the walls from the chains I had forced around it. In my other hand the voice on the phone could feel it. I turned over in my bed and rested my forehead upon my pillow. I didn't say much of anything. I asked for one thing, a song. Any song. And so he sang to me, but still I couldn't escape my mind. After he end his song... he reached into himself and showed me something that was so powerful and yet so frail. Part of himself opened to me and I was unable to speak to him. I felt like a tyrant. What I felt was how unable to show emotion I was. I don't cry often if at all, but today all I wanted was to show my emotion... and I couldn't even cry. I couldn't do it. Who would want a rock like this? He often asks how I put up with him... but how can he put up with me? How can he continuously open to something that can't even give him the same? I am afraid to feel, and yet that is what I do most. I feel it too. I feel it too. There are a few ways that I can show what I feel and only you are allowed to have them. Please, forgive me, because that is who I am. I am here. I am a rock. And you are allowed to hug the rock. Hugs are good. But I know something that is much better...

Katun

That was only the beginning...

Living Yesterday

And there they were. Small fragments of my past tied together loosely from the perspective of the girl behind the camera. Our lives were only gently woven together, but still I could see our design show. I saw L.T.'s bright, yellow wool. She was not afraid to be seen in the camera, even if she isn't often photographed. When she was, she would be dancing, posing, always smiling warmly. I saw Kent's vibrant, white and black threads twisted together. He was always attempting to lighten the mood around her... his girl friend. I saw Jill's fading, green silk hair. It was hanging loosely within the pattern, ready to be pulled out. With one pull it would be broken. I saw Dylan's desperate, red nylon. It was trying to force itself both in and out of the pattern, causing it to stretch and shudder with tension, but only a pair of scissors could break it. I saw D.J.'s plain, solid blue strings roped together. It's completeness influenced the colors around it and made itself stand out amongst the rest. And I also saw my piece of the pattern too... although describing it is beyond my capabilities. I'll leave that to the experts.

Words

I can't write exactly how I feel most of the time. Please forgive me. Sometimes, on rare occasions, I do write something righteous... but it is usually masked by the cryptic nature surrounding it. I'll practice writing what I feel more and maybe I can break my habits.

Selfish Embrace

On One of those dark days,
When we were selfless people,
I remember you had said to me,
All I want is this.

And I thought I knew why,
So I held you by my side,
And let your arms surround me,
Shaking and unsure of me.

But now at times like this,
It's hard to say I miss you,
'Cause I know that you'll be there,
It's time that can divide us.

So when I'll finally see you,
And we are back together,
Please don't make me hold back,
'Cause all I want is this.

All I want is this.

Peace Inside

I know you're sometimes frightened, don't be.
I know you're always fighting for what you believe,
But have some faith in me, there is no need
'Cause I will always be beside you.

So tell me…

Will you ever feel peace inside?
Will you some day feel complete?
Will you ever be at ease in life?
Or will you run eternally?

Why do I think I know what you need?
I guess I should be asking you; What do you need?
But give me time and I will learn. Oh Yeah.
And never again I'll think I know you.

So tell me…

Will you ever feel peace inside?
Will you some day feel complete?
Will you ever be at ease in life?
Or will you run eternally?

Well, I suppose I have a tendency to think I know it all.
But sometimes I shouldn’t assume anything,
I should simply ask I know that now.
Please forgive my ignorance

Now tell me…

Will you ever feel peace inside?
Will you some day feel complete?
Will you ever be at ease in life?
Or will you run eternally?

Will you ever feel peace inside?
Will you some day feel complete?
Will you ever be at ease in life?
Or will you run eternally?

Forgetting the Obvious

I can do this.
I will do this.
Just reach out and grab it by the reins.
Don't touch.
Possess.




A boy sitting at a computer.
A girl sitting at another.

The boy types to the girl,
While the girl types to the boy.

The girl knows what she wants,
and asks for it kindly.
The boy just doesn't want it,
and sets her down just to be sure.
For a while then she seemed insecure,
unsure of what wrong she had done.
For years the boy remained alone,
unable to hurt the other.
The girl remained by his side,
waiting for the seed she planted to grow.
The boy remained beside the pot,
refusing to water the thing.
As both stood by to watch the pot,
others came to court them feverishly.
One, a boy who could tap in,
and gain infinite knowledge,
yet he knew nothing,
because he never kept what he used,
he always wanted more.
Others, girls who were superficial,
One from a year behind,
Two from the first years,
Three from the local church,
All on Valentine's Day...
The boy knew something was wrong,
the friendship had begun to strech.
The girl gave up after 2 1/2 years,
settling for any knight on a black horse.
The boy saw this knight and knew the trouble,
but he watched sadly as they grew together,
and he sadly thought of what he had missed,
he thought of how he longed for togetherness,
the one other who could know him was with another.
Then there was jealousy,
Jealousy of longing to have togetherness.
But the girl was lost to another,
And the boy dare not disturb the peace around him.
So he stayed alone.

The friendship strained to the breaking point,
But when the girl pulled upon it,
The boy pulled back harder,
As if he had been waiting for it,
And it severed like a pathetic old man,
Homeless in the cold air,
Waiting for someone to help him,
Instead of seeking it himself.

For almost a year neither spoke to each other.
The boy refused to think about her.
Or at least he tried his damned hardest.
But when provoked by the thought of her illness,
by none other than the devil himself,
He began to wander back to the computer,
And when he walked to his computer,
She walked to hers.
And they began to type again.
How unfortunate she had fingers to do so.



I pull back from my mind,
And realize,
I've either missed the memory,
Or write too thoughtlessly.
I don't like my memory.
But someday, when I can't remember,
Who will be there to remind me of these things,
so I don't make the same mistake twice?
so I don't make the same mistake twice?so I don't make the same mistake twice?so I don't make the same mistake twice?so I don't make the same mistake twice?so I don't make the same mistake twice?so I don't make the same mistake twice?so I don't make the same mistake twice?so I don't make the same mistake twice?so I don't make the same mistake twice?so I don't make the same mistake twice?so I don't make the same mistake twice?so I don't make the same mistake twice?so I don't make the same mistake twice?

Isn't that what we're really afraid of?

Back to the Sea

My eyes ached so badly.
I wanted to cry.
My mouth shuddered slightly.
I wanted to say something.
My fingers felt cold.
I wanted to hold them.

As they began to break,
I reached out and pulled them close.
As they began to cry,
I held them against me.
As they began to apologize,
I refused to listen.

"Don't say anything."
Was all I could manage.

Don't think you are being selfish or selfless.
I tried so hard to put these to words,
But my inner walls rose like mountains,
and I became stiff as stone.
No tears fell from my cold eyes.

I remembered how I had felt this way,
How I did feel this way.

I couldn't speak of it.
I couldn't stand to think of it.
I couldn't bear to remember.

All I can do is feel those thoughts gently,
And watch the tide rise and fall,
Like heavy breathing,
But never breaching the rocks.

Because to breach the rocks,
That is something only God can do.

But that is why I admire them so much.
They are grasping these memories,
After all this time,
And washing them in the ocean tide,
Because they know what they feel,
Even if they don't realize it now.

I am watching them grow up,
I am watching them realize truth,
I am watching them live again.

I am alone on these shores,
Sitting on the sand.
Each grain a fragment of those rocks,
That are slowly wearing away,
Allowing the tide to slowly grow stronger,
As the New Moon approaches.

Will you be there,
On that darkest night,
When the wave consumes the rocks,
And washes my mind away,
So that I may be free again?

Free to be with who I choose,
Free to be with you.
Free to,
Choose,
You.

Reflection

A man wandering sadly in the desert,
His body dry and filthy,
The beak on his face broken,
Eyes like opals stare to the horizon,
Seeking the sunset across the river,
Where his ancestors rest,
And his reflection is transformed,
From that of a bird back into the form of a man.

Who am I?

I Want To Change the World ... edited

Keep on holding to your desire,
You will get a love that you can't reach alone,
I felt so worried when I spent all the time thinking of the future of us,
'Cause I know, there's nothing that I really want to know.
And then I met you so I could feel, what you should know:
I've finally found your love.
And now my nightmares are gone.
This is the way to love you.
Walking again without missing your way,
You won't get lost if your passion's true,
If you can stay with me forever,
Don't be afraid I'm with you,
We gotta swim against the tide and the flow
This is the feeling you'll understand
The troubled life.... It won't be too bad to face
And any problem you can see won't to be too hard,
If I can walk beside you,
Don't be afraid to be true 'cause now you have to bring,
The power of the smile on your face.

Night

I awoke in my bed at 5:00 AM. Even though I had been sleeping for hours, I still shivered with cold before turning over and going back to sleep.

Always In My Head

"I don't like the term 'Making Love' because you aren't really making love. You could be making body fluids and babies, but hardly anyone actually uses sex as an expression of love. It's more a physical act to them."

I just looked at him and nonchalantly said,

"I know."

The Lady's Song

In the deep of the night,
Arthur sturred in his room,
Too many things riddled his mind,
His thoughts poisonous seeds,
There was only the choice,
To make or break it,
And Arthur rose from his bed,
Unsure of what to do,
As he paced back and forth,
Only one thing could clear his head,
The thought of that sword,
Legendary, Magestic, Pure, Heroic,
Everything he wanted to be,
It was a mystery to be solved,
Something that rumors say,
Only a King could master,
But while Arthur wanted to be King,
His desire for the sword was greater,
In the cover of night,
Arthur escaped the fortress,
And traveled up to the ancient stones,
Where Excalibur still stood tall,
Embedded amongst the stones,
In the moonlight shining,
Blinding it from Arthur's sight,
As Arthur approached,
The ground trembled slightly,
And the air grew heavy,
Weighed by tension,
Excalibur had awakened,
Arthur continued towards the searing light,
Eager to see the blade,
Wanting to feel it,
Wanting to remember it,
Wanting to uncover it,
Wanting to claim it,
Just as the moon disappeared behind clouds,
Excalibur began to burn the air,
Waves of passion fell upon Arthur,
He wanted to fall to his knees and worship,
He wanted to give thanks for this holy relic,
He wanted to make Excalibur known to him,
But as he approached the sword,
A great magick grasped him,
And Arthur was frozen,
Unsure of what wrong he had done,
But Excalibur had decided,
And without a sound slid away,
Escaping its stoned prison with ease,
And flew to the boy,
But as Arthur reached out and took the sword,
He turned from boy to man,
And the air,
Intensified,
Beyond words,
Time frozen,
Endless,
Thoughtless,
Needless,
Hopeless,
Existance,
Being,
And quietly the air returned,
The weight now returned to the blade,
The clouds uncovered the moon,
White as snow,
Revealing in the light Arthur,
Red as the rose,
And Excalibur in his hand,
Black as ebony,
King Arthur took the blade down to the lake,
And stood at the water's edge,
Gazing into the translucent mirror,
Looking down at,
His sweated brow,
His tainted tunic,
His darkened relic,
But then a voice called to him,
And Arthur raised his head,
As the Lady of the Lake rose again,
And begged for her blade,
The blade she desired most,
One that she had given,
Her Son of God,
But Arthur stood strong,
Singing the sword's song,
Breaking the reflection in the water,
He turned away,
Returning to his kingdom,
Leaving the Lady of the Lake,
Alone in the moonlight,
As she sung the sword's song back,
Like a mother calling for a lost child.

Digress to Regress to Progress.

The eyes, they were, so very different,
The shape, of her, it is so frail,
My eyes, describe, the edges meek,
My head, engrained, with seeds of dust,
O' Where, pray tell, is the plant pot,
O' Where, my lord, are your children,
You've lost, them all, between your fingers,
You've lost, our hope, our dreams of living,
We'll gain, your feet, and walk in silence,
We'll gain, your soul, and try to break it,
Grant thus, pursue, and live forever,
Grant thus, renew, and become undone,
Have faith, move on, live life as we see it.
Have faith, step down, and bow before their feet.
No, That can't be all there is. There must be much more.
No, I won't do it again. I will not suffer.
I feel it now. I have felt it. I will feel it.
I am. .

I'm always cold.

Maybe I didn't realize it as much because I didn't know what being warm was like.





Now I'm addicted to being warm.

Self-Examination Terminated

There is no need for it now. I have decided that, if I were to pick myself apart, I would discover that I am made up of many things. And you know what? They are all way to dynamic to look at individually. It would take my whole life and then some afterlife time to finish most of it. Ofcourse there are some things that will never change about me. Those are the things that have impacted me so deeply that, for better or worst, they will always come back to haunt me. It doesn't bother me as much anymore since I've come to this conclusion. It isn't me just "pushing it off" or shoving it into a corner for later. I am who I am. I am a predictable, dynamic, selfish, selfless, beautiful, ugly, self-loathing, appreciative, religious, faithless, true, false, unknowledgable, creative, understanding, one sided, accepting, rejecting, carefree, burdened, reminiscent, foreseeing, present, feeling, thoughtless and thoughtful, know what I want and don't want, know what I'll try and won't try, know my limits... and don't know them sometimes, not a drunk, not a druggie, high-on-life (believe me, it's got good parts), don't need anyone except the handful I've chosen, I am a seer, a teacher, a divine, a prophet, a mediator, a sacrifice, a rightious, a demon, a worm (sometimes), a virus, an epidemic, a thought, a poison uncured, a potent elixir, a short arm, a strong-will, a lazy ass, a procrastinator, a day-dreamer, a believer, a non-believer, an unconvincing, self-rightous anti-hero who just wants to be himself. And thats what I'm doing. Because I realize now that if I didn't like who I was, then that is not who I would be trying to be. I don't hate myself. I hate some things I do. I hate looking at those things very much. I hate what I've done to people and myself sometimes. But you know what? At least I'm not a phony. There are too many phonies in this world. I don't like 'em. So to all of you phonis out there, "I am who I am. Why can't you just be who you are?" And if they don't know the answer to that... then I say forget everything and just do what you do, feel what you feel, be what you want as long as it's real. Don't look up to others if you are trying to find yourself. They aren't you. You are you. And I must say, I'm kinda cute.

Industrious Examination

Can you see the beauty inside of me?

What happened to the beauty I had inside of me...

(Wherever it is... I will find it.)

Where's...

I'm cold.

Internally Struck

Extreme heat.

Back away.

Too close.

Too much.

My blood races.

The sheets are scattered.

Beads drip down my forehead.

Only breathing through the mouth.

My nose screams.






Then quietly...
A Chill...
Coldness...
First my feet...
Then my legs...
My hands...
My arms...
Shivering...
Trying to breath...
Only gasps...
Pulling at my last sheet...
Convulsions...
So cold...
Must stay warm...
Reaching to my side...
Nothing there...
Diagonal lines...
Shear winds...
Beyond bumps of fright...
Chattering teeth...
Coldness...
Aloneness...
Fingerless...
Memoriless...
No feelings left...
Just cold...
So cold...
Please hold me...
Nothing left behind my eyes...
Pop them out...
Shread off my face...
No breathing...
Except by the mouth...
A hoarse rasp...
Stuttering in the air...
So cold...
Need heat...
Need sleep...
Need to breath...
Help me...
Choke your name as I fight...
Choking...
Choughing...
Fluid...
Coldnesses...
Drugs...
My body remains unaffected...
Please help...
Sleep...
Warmth...
Hold me...
Please...
Now...
Like an addict...
I want it...
So much more...
No movement...
No growing...
Only fighting...
In my head...
Escape me...
SSsssssslllllleeeeeeeeeepppppppppp...

Ccccoooolllllddddd...

IIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...

Wwwwaaaannnntttt...

Mmmmyyyyyy...

.................................

Immoral Signet

The brightly colored polos, The denim jeans, The rings on rings, The small chuckle, The deep smile, The warm hands, The cold hands, The sicknesses, The despair, The memories, The weight, The burden, The long trek, The molested feet, The fuzzy chin, The naked eyes, The defined brow, The buddha, The joy, The singing, The heritage, The voices, The music, The fingers, The sadness, The painful touch, The hardened heart, The tears, The obsession, The intamacy, The passion, The isolation, The reminicing, The movement, The emotions, The touch, The moments, The kisses...

These are a few reasons why,
I don't just want to wait.
I want to be patient too.

These memories we are creating,
I want them for my own.
I wish them to mean more than the others.

These rustic picture frames in my mind,
I wish to put them away.
I replace them with the silver ones.

These images I've created,
I replace the illusion of them.
I don't want just a mirage.

I want you to hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me...

I want you.

Why?

'cause I'm selfish.

Obsession

Deep in the night...
Far off the light...
Missing my headache...

Visions of light...
Sweeter delight...
Kissing my loveache...

How come I must know...
Where obsession needs to go...
How come I must know...
Where this passion hides its feeling?

How come I must know...
Where obsession needs to go...
How come I must know...
The direction of releaving...

In the cold night, In a forgotten room

In the cold night,
In a forgotten room,
We were there,
Enjoying our sweetnesses.
As the clock struck midnight,
And every second that past into morning,
I began to lose my self control.
I wanted them, but I couldn't...
Not yet...
We didn't exist,
But I wanted to see them...
I wanted to touch them...
I wanted to worship them...
I wanted to break my will...
But all I could do was bite my lip,
And watch as time slipped by,
And my self control unwind...
Until I couldn't stop myself...
I could hear the voices in my head,
Debating our options...
And all I could conclude was that they...
Were not We...
But...
We could try.
We could try.
We could try.
And using my strength I urged them onward...
Pushing them to the edge,
Watching them struggle,
Wanting so badly to see them relinquished...
And suddenly they stopped me...
And told me to release myself...
Before they did themselves...
Such a selfless act...
Such a small sacrifice...
But only to make certain...
Each other wasn't selfish...
And I tried to do it...
But it was not possible...
Only Arthur could claim Excalibur.
I am no longer his master.
But still I tried.
And I ran far.
To the edge.
I tried to push them over.
They pushed me back.
And I fell upon them...
Shivering...
Because I...
Or rather...
We...
Did not exist...
And I was selfish...
But they understood...
Me...
For who I was...
And every second that past after...
I wished I could do something...
Or rather...
Everything...
And I tried to stop from shaking,
But my hand quivered.
They took my hand.
My head rested on them for a while.
This body here,
These bodies together,
Meant everything.
As dawn began to advance,
My luck began to retreat,
But one question still remained,
And I asked why...
Why is it...
When we kiss...
It is different...
Than the others...
I wanted to know...
More than anything...
What they had felt...
What they had felt before.
They stood up and took my body.
There was a pause,
Then,
A violent torrent attacked me.
And I understood completely...
I understood completely...
Because I too...
Had been attacked before...
And when We understood...
I could feel us touching...
Beyond mere caressing...
Beyond mere memories...
Beyond mere thoughts...
We were touching...
Or rather...
Converging.
But as I glanced out the window,
Into the dark night,
I could feel the sun burning on the edge of the horizon,
Eager to get on with the day.
All I could think about then...
Was how happy I was I didn't have to work on Sunday.

Losing Control

Roses are soaring like birds without feathers,
Dancing in red and white petals of laughter,
Why can't I seem to see past these old blinds?
Where are the answers I'm trying to find...

Is it right here...
Was it once there...
Is it far behind?

And maybe there isn't an answer at all.
I just have to look inside.

Noses are kissing and singing out gaily,
Great walls are falling and Mongols invading,
Day doesn't seem as important as night...
Why must I try to bite back and to fight?

If there was us...
Just between us...
Nothing would be right...

There'd only be two broken halves joined in song,
And singing we'd reach new heights...

Kisses are countless and fingers are feeling,
If we could, I'd bet we'd be on the ceiling,
Memories are breaking and fading away...
Instead you're here and I am your prey.

Just caressing,
Some undressing,
And a scar or two...

But nothing that could make me stumble or sway,
From meeting you twice in one day...





I could keep going, but I fear the birds in my head might start attacking me!