Sealing the Slate

I finally got around to trying the new template designer!  I love it so much that I think it might be time to start a new blog.  It will help with the writer's block I've been having and hopefully promote writing more often. 

I hope to make my next blog a log of my daily activities.  Where the epitaph is a record of the past and a splat of writing... I wonder what I shall make for the future?


A journal? log?

I want it to be focused...

I'll be brainstorming and looking for help!

Sunny days = What online class??? <(O.o)>

So that about sums up how it's been for a while.  I've been doing lots of activity this past week with boating, beaching, and running around topless (in my jeep wranger)!  Ofcourse it is fun!  But then I remember, I have that summer class... something about poetry right?  I should get onto that...  maybe...

Can't stand writer's block much more...

I've only had to work on a few poems this semester in ENG 305...

BUT EVERY TIME I GET WRITER'S BLOCK.  and you know what happens to poems written during writer's block...

THEY SUCK.

It is driving me crazy.  In Spring Semester, I could at least come up with something half-decent.  UGH!  My brain is retaliating and is going to give me a basic B in my poetry class...

In other news, FFXI updated and now I'm lvl 76 (max is 80 now) so I've been having a good time (with whatever time I have had in the past day or two) doing that.  Also, I got my brother Little Big Planet... and it is fun!  (also within the last day or so...)

But most of my time is doing school or work or home or some of the above.  I'll try to be a good blogger and post some blog stuff sometime soon.

I'm just really tired. :(

I want to escape!

February 13th

Late.

despite an eternal devote, I

cannot note: nothing beyond haste

was made to the empty institute

where the air bag questions remain.

ask father to be with me, but

eighty percent fail the course

life treats them, I wonder now

what happens to the other twenty.

hurrying inside only to see

a wife begging for one last

valentine’s surprise we won’t

regret.  Instead: a box consists

of husband attire.  Waiting.

in five hour minute increments

perhaps maybe the surgeon

won’t lie.  perhaps maybe

sons of adam will be forgiven

and the floral gates of eden

relinquished to us, to an non-

existence in a Madagascar.

whispers in madness cast stones

at my eyes to crack in shame

the ongoing sinus infection that

plagues behind my face despite.

too Late.  He is

now reposed at five twenty five.

brother embraces mother while

man embraces man, holding on

to the seeping warmth within.

fingers run along departed roads

the cruel feet holds, my hands caress

ignoring the chalked right hand with

a gaping maw my God left behind.

      my eyes show the scale at less

                       three fourths an ounce.

February 13th (unrevised edition)

Late.

the last time

I would ask

-do you love me?

with him

horrid wait only

in the end a

-lost

air bag question.

now reposed

at five twenty five

-I had to

be sure

and what

cruel foot

chalked hand,

gaping maw, my God

-I am sorry.

my eyes

show the scale at

less three fourths

an ounce.

Incoming Poems #2

So it's been a busy summer... lots of work with just life in general and tons of crazy things happening.  In the end, I have completed and revised another poem!  I will post both the old poem and the revision in my next two posts!  Yay blogging!

August 31st

an old bear,
       caught
          grazed groans root by the rare
rhododendron... distraught,
       in the saffron garden.

claws rake deep,
       rough
          gorging the weed and creep
the old garden can tough,
       it receives some pardon.

to the Brush,
       home
          the red wood leaves and hush
calm the beast with dark chrome,
       prone and slow, to harden. 

Nocturnal Affair

lethargic in the wind, lilac catches

some of the moon's insomniac spores

driving them into soft ovaries beneath lumps

that carbuncle and azure sparks synthesized

by weaving each gilded finger on its base

the pattern reminiscent of an awakening.

clovers in the organic formation rest

soundly distant to the manifestation

taking place above in the contra-grove.

INCOMING POEMS!!!1!

Yes I'm lazy, but be prepared for not one, but TWO poems!

To distract you from my bad posting habits, I present to you: Pokemon Starters Generations 1-5!

did it work?

(On a side note I think the new starters look much better next to their cousins than by themselves!)

Summer beings, Summer ends

Summer school starts monday.  Yay.  That was a great week of summer!  Good news is that I managed to paint two rooms, a door, organize most of my crap AND move into a room in the house!  Bad news is that I'm not moving anywhere anytime soon.

In other news, I'm excited to begin my second ENG 305 class on monday online.  I haven't stopped writing poetry... I'm just having a lull.  I've been trying to work this neat idea about a symbiotic weed / tree poem and an insomniac lilac but I just haven't had time to punch them out.  I also do better when I actually read good poetry. (Found an old poetry book I bought from Barnes and Noble like two years ago on a whim... and I now realize how much that books sucks...)

Also, since I've been so busy working on the house and at work I haven't had time to play many games (online or offline).  I felt horrible the other day when I remembered I hadn't been scoping the new for FFXIV news in two days.  DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY LEAKS COULD HAPPEN IN TWO DAYS?!  Apparently the whole WORLD MAP was unveiled during my two days off... it won't happen again... >:(

YESSSSSS

I've also decided to resubmit my application for the FFXIV Beta since Alpha is looking to be ending soon and my computer won't be able to handle the uber beta graphics. (Apparently they are revamping the graphics in the beta test) So I've had this special FFXIV beta code lying around for a while and decided to use it.  It is from my PS3 version of FFXIII and is suppose to guaranty me access to beta testing (and more once the game is released) so I'm done taking chances.

On a side note: I HAVE A TON OF BOOKS.  I made it a point to never sell any of my english novels from class (they only sell back for like $2.00 each anyways) and that has made me quite a library!  I'm thinking I'll need an actual bookshelf soon so I can find a reread the ones I like and hide away the ones I don't... *cough* Beloved *cough* ...

My grades for the semester were great as per usual nowadays.  Hopefully things will keep cruising at this speed and I'll be out of school in no time... and straight into Eorzea for the next 8+ years of my life.

Windows 7 - Activation FAILED... for the last time...

So I finally wiped my computer for the um-tinkth time trying to get Windows 7 to work like new again...  So I've given up and reverted back to Vista.

I can already feel my computer screaming at me.

I wish I had an extra Windows 7 key right about now :-( but I don't think it's worth $200+ dollars.

Atonement Harvester

No one seems to notice the dandelion that grows
in the cracks of downtown Gano Street.

It lives on despite the odd lights cast from the nearby river
under the inconsistent flashes from a crosswalk box.

The artist by the walkway paints the cracks in the road
but ignores the growth, a stain of yellow on the asphalt

hanging on the edge of the concrete curb, as if
to flag a taxi ride to Wickenden Avenue.

The nurse reads a note while waiting at the light
and doesn't notice the weed leaning on her shoe.

Not one seems to notice the dandelion that grows
in the cracks of downtown Gano Street.

Rain, the dandilion dances the bobbing buoy
while the slick cars spray the civilian heels.

The architect mumbles angrily under the umbrella
crushing the dandelion with a size 5 1/2 shoe.

No one notices the dandilion grows
in the cracks of Gano Street.

A pauper boy sits alone by the crosswalk box
and notices a wilting weed covered in a sphere of hope.

In faithful silence, the dandelion sacrifices itself for a wish
scattering off to fulfill the dream of a vagabond.

Medicated Mondays

Glass doors shift, a quick glance reveals

a man cautiously clutching a box to his chest.

Life support? No.  As he approaches

it clicks and hisses at the register.

The smell of hand sanitizer filling my eyes.

Never in all my days at Rite Aid...

Radio is responding.  They are coming.

Must escape.  Must find shelter.

Wait, can't leave.  The cameras will see.

A boy wearing a disguise.  Looking too eager.

Standing by the register.  Smells of fast-food.

He can't be saved.  Brain washed so young.

Making eye contact, he backs into Aisle 5

"Do you need help finding something sir?"

Rushing past he brushes against my uniform

mixing the stench of dust and sanitizer.

Alone in Aisle 5.  Glass doors shift.

Didn't even make it to the Pharmacy...

Bright lights outside.  Must go home.

Must get to safe house.  By the water.

They don't like water.  Doesn't taste good.

Cars pass quickly.  Highway becomes deadly.  

Must be feeding time.  Must go home.

Close to the water.  They don't like water.

Toad Chorus and Fowl Play

Then, a woman from the wilderness

meanders over curiously

to haunt me with deceptive glares cascading

over the living embers between us.

Shift, the moon casts momentum on the shadows.

Soon she will begin the rite of spring

interpreted as a steady matador with a troubadour

composing a violent dance past finesse.

Onward, firefly dances amidst smoking pines.

There she weaves a path of ash

during the flotsam landing on magpies

who sit on nearby branches, silent voyeurs.

Twilight, the grey morning bruised dull

from the soft cracking coals that smell of sulfur.

Give me one more tomorrow night, feral gypsy.

One more lush breeze to breathe me a trance

A chance to vanish into the nirvana of satisfaction.

NOTES: Edited version of previous "Rite of Spring" poem.  Didn't like title.  Didn't like epigram.  Changed end stanza and wording throughout poem.  Changed title.

Lost Friend

Why talk so much, like Socrates
pulled into a whirlpool of thought last August
only to drown in an iced December?

Your blood: now tainted with bits of ink
smelling of purple-violet-violet and yellow-yellow-green
Your hands: now a bruised dandelion thicket
digits missing the flowery tops
because you had to pick them all off?

We miss your beautiful earthy hair filled with foreign stems
the days in April when you begged to dance in the rain
without finishing the ripe pear I brought you.

Now, nothing but November.  The leaves
clinging to your scarred thighs and neon lips: whispering
This scab is all I have.

WARNING: NEW BLOG APPROACHING

DON'T PANIC!  It's not the end of the epitaph!  I just wanted to warn that I've started another blog to hold all of my poetic writing to make it easy for me to access it through the other stuff I post on this blog sometimes.  The website is called: Epigram of a Poet

www.epigramofapoet.blogspot.com

Check it out and follow that too if you want!  I will be posting new poems on both sites, but the other is mostly just for organization.

The Rite of Spring

“In order to create there must be a dynamic force, and what force is more potent than love?”

  -Igor Stravinsky

Then, a woman from the wilderness.

She meanders over curiously

to haunt me with deceptive glares cascading

over the living embers between us.

Shift, the moon casts momentum on the shadows.

Soon she will begin the rite of spring

interpreted as a steady matador with a troubadour

composing a violent dance past finesse.

Onward, firefly dances amidst the smoking pine.

There she is weaving a path of ash

during the flotsam landing on magpies

who sit on nearby branches as silent voyeurs.

Twilight, the grey morning bruised dull

from the soft cracking coals that smell of sulfur.

Give me one more tomorrow night, feral gypsy.

Give me one more lush breeze to breath.

Give me one more primitive trance to vanish

into the nirvana sea of satisfaction

surrendering the you and me.

The Nights and Gales

Nightingale, my owl howls forenoon for you
the vagabond cat in alleys of sympathy
and nymph waltzes on thickets of foggy glasses
to the sycamores that sign to themselves forever.

Nightingale, the tortoise embraces the raining
songs of the thousand chromatic nights we cherished
silent. Amethyst lilac in the dogwood rests
while blood-red salmon drown in a lethargic brook.

Nightingale, the fox waits for auburn clouds despite
twilight’s overcast ritual: a rose blade forged

beyond hope with ember pearls and clever neutral
in pomade as the sun slips to Tokyo heights.

Nightengale, the game mourns the animalism
we create, a heteromogenous self-shared
beast of the sky. Rasping memories of the flesh
unsought, unthought until I’ve found the utter you.

I stare from the grieving winter stage
to the fading memory of hysteria,
choosen to mourn the last living cell
lost behind your inattentive eyes bemused
by spring’s efflorescent vertebrate.
Love, the nights and gales have assembled
to soothe with hymns voicing rapture.

Lovely Fossil

Archeopteryx, an airborne hermaphroditic fowl
drifting through the austere deposit, deathless influence
pressing in our own cretaceous froth – magnificent she

by the ether burst of amber and sage: now forgotten
I recognize that ebony bruise alive on the sole
and unaware, drawn closer to this jewel than – God

Whatever the harlot wants to believe, it's too taxing.
Another lotus for the unpoets, fresh and oral
with the aftertaste by précis – curious pleasures

What use is manifest, savory raptor epitaph
myth by man that lurks and meddles gaily without respect
we kiss, we dust, we endure with our fossil lullaby.

Death of an Artist

Art is a pain in the ass.
A dark urine stain on new slacks.
The scent of tainted water
in a cup of the father.
How sinful we artists are
with our hands bleeding, charred
and fingers barely, feeling,
diligently secreting
a lovely aneurism.
This sadomasochism
upon a virgin white spread
some say is all but dead.
Looking into the casket,
raising Brian's hatchet,
I see fear in those eyes.
You, artist, are still alive.
But winter is coming.
Can't you hear the rumbling
rolling out across the page?
Hide with the actors backstage.
Until I return, bleed on
for scars will never be gone
if you pick at the black scab
to leak talent you don't have.

the Wind against you

(note: blogger right justified everything... so the intro and the conclusion are suppose to be all floaty across the page. Oh well, it still reads well enough.)

beautiful day
traveling topless
the Wind
against you
the most
wondrous
feeling
you start
breathing
backwards.
breathe in
can you remember how?
filter out the venom
in the air, her noxious perfume,
reach for those sensitive places
scars and bruises become fiery
and you slowly drift off
only to lose your heart and soul
self-control

flashback
2:32AM last night
Deep within
a limping lizard
struggling wildly
in my mouth
Get out!
Ohhh please Maria!
you took my self-
you took my self-control.

pull the clutch, left side push
shift up and to the right
try to forget that night
and that bruise on your tush

you find yourself at Tom’s Diner.
sitting down at the counter, alone
nobody cares except for you
and maybe the lady staring
through the two-way mirror.
she’s sort of cute.
and then it starts to rain.

what a beautiful day.

all I wanna do,
I tell myself at the lonely bar,
is to hear you say
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me,
Kill Me.
I want to save you from yourself
and those unforgivable hotdogs that line
the dark, stained toilet bowl.
help me save you, tell me how
how to save a life.

that night was the end of the line,
I crossed the barrier between us
looking back
looking back at myself
Oblivious
you never wanted to be saved.
damaged, abandoned, companionless,
I wandered the ongoing fantasy.
blue fields
filling both eyes.

Black Love

Ursula called and you answered back,
But then you found there's more that you lacked.
One heart was broken, another one squashed,
You thought another would just be a josh.
Deep within her cauldren, her cavernous maw,
You called, When shall I be fairest of all?
That Ursula though, she had more in mind,
She'd already owned you, each of your lines.
The witch then played you, she made you speak,
Forever you called out, never growing weak.
And so you thought you had power to live,
But here I watch you, and it's hard to forgive.
To make a pact with a selfish heart,
Is to be selfish right from the start.

Inside the Abandoned Theater

The doors swung open lightly as if they had been expecting me.
Inside was dark, and the cold winter air stirred some pieces of paper lying just inside the doorway blowing them deeper into the darkness.
As I stepped into the theater, the steps echoed up into the empty rafters and down beneath the empty rows of chairs, rolling across the stage and hiding behind the dusty curtains backstage.
I managed to find a light switch just within the threshold and flicked it once.
Nothing stirred.
No lights came on.
Obviously this place didn't have power anymore, I realized.
I squinted into the darkness and my eyes began to adjust slowly in the dim light from outside.
Scattered down the aisles were pages upon pages of pamphlets and handouts, most of them covered in a fine layer of dust that seemed to weigh them to the floor.
Amongst the aisles I suddenly noticed a small pair of footprints leading deeper towards the stage.
Someone must have come to visit recently.
That would explain how a page of the play managed to escape the theater.
I began to follow the footprints down the gradual slope towards the stage, leaving a fresh pair of footprints along side the original ones.
My eyesight got better the deeper I got into the theater.
There were rows and rows of chairs that were folded up with the occasional seat that had fallen down over time or because it had plainly been broken, but to me it looked like there were invisible people sitting in those seats waiting for the show to begin.
It didn't look like they were going to get one.
As I approached the stage I could see the countless scripts lying in various states across the floor.
Some were lying open like little books eager to be read, some were lying face down as if in silent defiance, and even more were torn apart at the binding and lay in small bunches of paper strew across the stage.
I paused at the stairway to the stage and waited a moment in respect before working my way up the steps.
The trail of footprints I'd been following circled around on the stage, pausing at piles of paper here and there to make a mark in the dust or stir a script.
I walked over to one particular script that was turned face up.
Picking it up, I read the title to myself:

Echoes from a Dusty Past

I was just walking past that old theater when it happened.
Usually passing it from time to time by chance alone, I never would have thought it could happen today.
There in front of me was a page from the play.
Not a pamphlet or handout, but a full page of the play.
I should have kept walking past.
The theater was barely visible from the road where I stood.
But, then I wondered what a page of the theater was doing outside so far from the stage.
And it was a later page too from a scene we hadn't even rehearsed.
I bend down and picked up the dry, stained paper, careful not to tear it by accident.
I could feel something move from the paper into my hands, like a small ghost had been waiting inside this fragment for a new host.
A small chill ran down my spine as I turned back toward the theater.
It looked as abandoned as ever.
And yet, I could clearly hear something calling me from within.

Unhappiness

A strange feeling somewhere between dissatisfied and sad.
Why? A strange question for a strange feeling.
So strange. So strange.
I must be tired of being tired.

What is going on?
I feel loved. I love. I am in love.
Yet, still dissatisfied with everything.
Why?

Depression? Again. So soon.
I just can't escape it.
The wheel of fortune turns again.
Lose a turn.

Now I'm behind in life.
Life just keeps blowing past.
I can only stumble onward. Tired.
Can't stop now. Can't stop now.

Where did all the adventure go?
Where is the boating? The camping?
The chocolate milk? The late night star gazing?
I miss those.

No matter how much time I make for boating.
Or camping out with friends.
Or making chocolate milk.
Or watching for shooting stars.

I am still unhappy.

I can't describe it.

I can't describe it. That feeling, like I am by myself even though I am surrounded by people. I don't mean to feel this way. It just that at random moments I am gripped by a sudden realization that I am alone. It makes me feel awkward. I don't know what to do...

I feel so alone.

Fly By

I haven't been posting in a long time. I think this semester has been overwhelming and I will be glad when it comes to an end. So many things are happening at once that I can't figure things out. I'll try to regroup and post back sometimes soon.

ReVision - Early Bookmark

For the past few months I've been noticing a change. I wondered when it would happen. Whether it would be good or bad has always plagued my mind... but all I know now is that every day, every time I step outside and look up to the sky... I am amazed at how beautiful it is. There is no photographer in the world who could capture this beauty, no artist who could imitate the beauty of the sky above me with an endless array of colors, shapes, and designs to choose from. I know this is a sign of the change happening inside me. I can feel myself slowly slipping away, for better or worst, into a different state of mind. What will happen to my old self? Where will the old me go? How different is the new me?

Do I like the new me? Do I want a new me?

Am I really changing? How can I NOT change? I am afraid of the change. And then there is another part of me that wants to accelerate that change so that I can know the new me, embrace it, understand it. I feel like I am unsure of everything I once thought I was so sure of. I feel like a teenager again. I was suppose to be solidifying my grounds, not breaking new ones. I need to disconnect for a while. I haven't been doing any meditation exercises in a long time. Reading high school level books isn't helping me feel any more certain of myself that's for sure.

And I have been keeping a promise to myself: I won't regret yesterday. It is hard sometimes and I usually don't get everything done I want to get done... but if I do at least one good thing that is worth going to sleep thinking about, then I am successful until I wake up tomorrow and I do it again. I can't please everyone and everyone can't please me... it is a fact of life. I am not sorry, because I am wrong.

That distant melody

I heard there was a hurricane coming, so I went to the rocks by the sea.
The angry spirits of the water break themselves there, and the display is spectacular.
You watch the white water smash itself into a thousand pieces on black boulders which are stained from the thousands of waves that have broken before it.
But as the wave breaks, the thousands of pieces just flail helplessly through the air, unsure of what comes next and they all fall together back to earth to become whole again.
They are never satisfied.
Even after the hurricane passes, you can still hear the spirits early in the morning punishing themselves for a never ending crime, trying to appease the moon spirit.
And still the white moon won't forgive them.

Hoping for the best.

So I finally got around to posting today. I've been feeling very sick lately and I'm not too sure why... just really tired 24/7... and I slept all day yesterday. I hope I don't have some horrible disease or something... but it could just be me... again.

So in my last post I was excited about getting a special something... and I got it! I am now a proud owner of a PS3! It came very cheap and included the uber HD cord (you know, for that uber HD TV I'll get someday...) and came with about 9 games! So after trading in all the sports / racing / useless shooters (Rainbow Six Las Vegas... I'm looking at you!) I was able to afford some games I'd prefer to waste my life playing.

I got my hands on BlazBlue, the little brother of Guilty Gear (a series I am quite fond of for it's music and gameplay). BlazBlue is much smoother than Guilty Gear, but as always... I feel it is missing just a small part of what Guilty Gear had. Maybe I miss the "RIDU TEH LIGHTUNING!" or the silly stories about characters who's names come from rock bands for no apparent reason other than because it's Japan. The music is pretty good too. I especially like Noel, a dual gunner. Her theme is also one of my favorites!

So apart from BB I've been mostly doing FFXI with my bro again. We finally completed the new mission set "A Crystalline Prophecy" which got us some cool body armor. And now my summons are more powerful than ever and it's time to go for some more legendarily rare armor to make me EVEN MORE POWERFUL! MUAHAHAHA! (or at least my avatars will be stronger...)

Great news recently: FFXIV info is flying all over the place! They've even got gameplay videos just added today. I've been following www.ffxivcore.com for some time now, and they haven't disappointed me yet! It looks very sexy and I'm super excited!

So apart from the escapism that is corrupting my life ever more, I've been working a bit more than usual lately... and I'm getting tired of it! Come on school! Where are you!? But it's mostly just because some people left recently and the other shift is being given shifts at other stores... so I get to fill in on those days I would have off. At least the pay check is there in the end.

I'm almost at my goal of saving for school in the fall! I think I need about 2 more weeks of pay and then I'll have reached my goal... with more to spare! That surprises me... considering my spending habits have been off lately... but I guess I haven't been THAT bad (... well the PS3 was kind of a slip but it was worth it damn it!). In the end, if I can afford school that's all that matters.

And school is so close! I can't wait to be back and start the old routine again. Maybe I'll actually get to sleep! I've been having terrible nightmares again. After I came back from camping... ugh... I could feel the depression crawling up my legs, up my spine, and grab my head and start pushing down on me like and invisible weight. It doesn't help that I've been feeling sick lately. Maybe the two are tied together?

I was going to do some Chara unblocking... but I never got the book I needed. Maybe I'll start when school starts... pffffffffff yeah right. When school starts I can almost guaranty a better attitude all together. At least that's all I can hope for.

The Final Countdown!

I'm back from my vacation in New Hampshire and I feel... tan! It was a lot of fun. We did a lot of active sports and outdoorsy things like kayaking, biking, hiking, swimming, and of course DnD... OK so that wasn't much of a sport but we did wait until after dark to start 90% of our games. The air was so clean that when you first enter New Hampshire you can almost smell a difference. It was very beautiful on Lake Ossipee (the lake we camped on). It is one of my favorite places of all time and this trip reminded me how important it is to me! I hadn't gone in at least 3+ years and now I need more!

Although I wouldn't want to live there... too many hill billy people. We stopped in a Rite Aid on one of the days we were there and it was like someone picked them up off the local farm and gave them Rite Aid vests! I mean, even their outfits were so poor that I would probably be fired for attempting their farm-hand-worn look. I guess it is just a local thing. It is in the middle of nowhere. The funny part was when I asked for him to plug in my discount and he got all suspicious on me... like I had stolen someone's identity! Oh well. At least I don't have to work there.

It is almost 6AM and I haven't gotten much sleep. Probably the main reason being I have to work this morning at around 9AM... ugh... and I'm still hurting from the drive/unpacking process (which is still not finished). I hope my Jeep had some miracle preformed on it so now it stops making the funny noises it's been making. The big suburban is making funny noises too now so maybe both cars will get done at the same time before school starts.

And I forgot to mention that I am wide awake as well because I have been in contact with someone on Craiglist.com about a certain item that I've been dying to get my hands on... and I'm getting it at a HUGE bargain... so if things don't work out I can always sell it for even more profit. I'll let you know if it all goes down.

And OH MY GOSH! AUGUST IS LITERALLY ALMOST OVER! I was talking to my friend on the phone and he was like "Yeah, school starts on August 24th for me..." and I was like "I wonder when that is on the calendar..." and sure enough I was shocked to see it so close! I was like "OH MY GOSH! AUGUST IS LITERALLY ALMOST OVER!"

So goodbye summer! The final countdown has begun!

Running out of gas...

There I was, downstairs in my mother's house when I almost broke down again. I don't know if it was my dog whining to go outside for the millionth time in the last hour, or if it was the fact the puppy had attempted to ruin another pair of my sandals, or the weights I had brought up to start exersizing, or the peanut butter sandwich I was making to end my failure of a dieting program, or the children's cartoon on the television that was approved for ages 6 and up.

Probably all of that together with the fact that I am so lonely here. Every once and a while I get some company, but even then I still feel so alone during those times away. I can't handle being alone anymore. I have terrible nightmares. Nightmares are always with me... and all of them revolve around one topic. Death.

I'm dying, People are dying, I'm trying to stop people from dying or they are trying to save me from dying. One time I was actually trying to kill someone. Death. Not good for sleeping.

And I am feeling so distant from everything around me. Everytime I get away, I feel better in general. But the longer I stay, the more depressed I become. I'm not stupid. It's not the whole "vacation" that has me feeling better. It's the relief of the pressure of a moody house that can't seem to understand how much trouble I am having with... everything. Maybe I still haven't dealt with everything. Maybe I have feelings that count too.

But no, I'm just selfish. I once thought I was selfish like this. I probably am a little selfish. Am I allowed to be selfish? Do my feelings matter? I believe that is why I feel surpressed here. Because my feelings don't seem to matter very much.

But hey, I'm a 21 year-old who's just bitching about working 5 days out of the week. Yep, working at Rite Aid. What a great time. Exactly what I want to do during my summer. But nope, I can't complain. I can't feel horrible about it. I'm just being annoying apparently. And god forbid I have a bad day at Rite Aid. God forbid. God forbid that work was actually harder than the description. No job is going to be fun. I get it. Now let me whine so I can stop surpressing my feelings a little, cause I got that down pat.

Now I'm being pestered for not sharing or opening up? How can I open up about the big things if the small ones don't matter? I can't just pour out my feelings to someone who can't take small doses of my life. It just isn't right... it doesn't feel right.

Nothing feels right anymore. Not even my own bed feels like my own. I need space to grow, like a plant trying to spread its roots. I feel choked... and it isn't like anyone is doing anything wrong to me. It is all ME. I'M the one causing problems. I'M the one who is tired and cranky. I'M the one who is complaining all the time. I have a problem. A big problem.

I am running out of gas.

A Dark Fragment

I was thrown out of prison. I had nothing except what they gave me on my way out of that hell hole... my dirty clothes and my old puppet. I decided that after 4 years of wearing the same old dirty uniform, switching to one that was dirty yet unworn for 4 years was a small improvement. It was better than nothing, which is what I had at that time.

Well, not completely nothing. I still had my old puppet Jack. Jack was old, broken, and most of his magic had left him. His hat was on the verge of toppling off his uneven head, one of his eyes was almost completely faded to the color of his original fern wood tint, and his strings were visible in some spots but other than that he looked alright. At least he was something to talk to.

There was a river nearby I could wash in after getting released into the streets. I headed there. If I was lucky, my old shack was still abandoned. Unfortunately it wasn't left unscathed. The order had ransacked the house completely. All that was left were the walls... even the door was off the hinges apparently busted inward by a tremendous force. I had Jack hobble into the hut first in case the order left some boobie traps for me.

I waved my hands at my puppet, willing it to move. Jack just stood there, spinning in place for a minute until the command finally registered. His head bobbed a little to the side as he danced clumsily into the vacant space. Nothing was triggered as I had hoped. Jack's arcana sensors didn't pick up anything either except for a few traces on the imploded door.

I called Jack back with a quick flip of the wrist and wandered to the water's edge. Gazing into the dark water I could see my sad reflection in the twilight. I had forgotten how much I changed in 4 years. My hair was a mess, one eye looked pretty badly scarred from that fight with the half-giant in detention, and part of my jaw seemed to stick out at an odd angle... not very pleasant but still workable.

With a few intricate waves over the water my reflection shimmered slightly until my face resembled that of a prince out of a classic human fairytale. Blond hair, blue eyes, smooth skin, shiny white teeth, and a straight chin. I slowly ran my hands over my own face and felt the distortions beyond my reflections reach. I still couldn't master a full illusion enchantment.

I sighed as I began to lay on my back to watch the stars. A sudden jolt made me jump to my feet. I looked across the river to see a brilliant flash, and what seemed like rays of light streak across the sky in all directions. Some of them twinkled into nothingness, and some of them stretched out for miles. I watched as two streaks of light rushed towards me.

Before I could react the streams of light rushed into the river with a large eruption of water. I fell flat to the ground to avoid any more that might be heading towards me, but when I looked up again the lights had vanished from the sky. I looked towards the river to see what had happened to the rays of light. Beneath the surface I could see on the bottom lay two glowing slivers in the sand one beside the other.

Since the river wasn't deep, I sent Jack in to get them. Only when he was over his head did I realize he couldn't dive down to get them, being made out of wood. I watch Jack helplessly float down the river until his strings stopped him from escaping too far.

I didn't want to get wet... but the thought of having something rare to sell in town was too good to pass up. I made Jack swim in to shore and I entered the river. As I began to doggie paddle out to them, I thought of how much these objects might be worth... two, maybe even three thousand gold a piece? Maybe I could even afford a new puppet and start a new street scam all over again.

The glowing lights were too deep to reach with my feet so I had to dive. The water was dark and cold, but the glowing light was easy to aim for. I soon realized they were deeper than I had originally thought. I began to feel the urge for air. Just a little farther. I could almost reach them. I didn't want to make another trip into the depths, so I pushed myself to my limits.

The glowing suddenly stopped and I was plunged into darkness. Desperate for air, I pawed helplessly in the sand where I thought I'd last seen them. Suddenly My left hand was in incredible pain and I felt a sharp object pass through my wrist. I screamed under the water, but as I reached to grab my wrist my right hand was pierced by another unseen object.

I raced for the surface, now completely certain I was bleeding to death in the river attracting all sorts of carnivorous fish. I swam helplessly to shore where Jack was laying. I moaned the sounds of a dying man and kneeled on the ground to see the damage. Two large pieces of what looked like dark glass were sticking into my wrists. I was frozen with terror. I was certainly going to die.

Then the glass shards began to glow a familiar light. And as they did they began to slide deeper into my wrists until they were completely in my hands. The feeling was quite uncomfortable. Now my hands began emitting the strange glow I had seen moments before. And as quickly as they had begun to glow, the light faded away... and I was left to the moonlight.

Darkness has crept upon me. I gazed at my hands and my wrists for any signs of scarring or bleeding, but there was nothing. It was as if the shards as never been there. I could barely even feel them deep within my hands.

And then a feeling of incredible power came over me. I stood up. I clenched my fists and felt magic fill my veins. I waved my hands and my puppet stood up immediately. It reacted to every command I gave it without a thought. I made it dance an intricate dance I had only ever seen once in my life. I had it spin through the air and land on its toes while holding its hat up by its nose.

And then I raced to the river's edge. My mutated reflection was staring back at me. I slowly, but precisely began to draw on my face with my hands. Immediately the image I saw twisted and folded into the handsome prince once again. This time I reach for my face and felt the solid face of someone else. With the power from these shards, I had mastered the art of illusion.

I played for a while, contorting my face into various people, making sure I wasn't fooling myself. Sure enough, I could become them most hideous monster or the most beautiful gentleman with just a few gestures of my hands. I learned quickly this power didn't stop at just my own face. I could change my clothes, my belongings, the very things around me would bend to my imagination.

I smiled broadly. I looked over at Jack, who was sitting lop sided by the water's edge. He was unnecessary, now that I had this incredible power. I raised my hand and began to cut the magic strings from my fingers one by one with the other. As each string fell, he slumped more and more until he finally plopped to the ground in a heap.

With one heavy kick he flew through the air and landed in the river. As Jack floated silently down the river towards his ultimate destiny, I manifested a new face and began to head towards the city... with a new goal in mind. I was going to find the rest of those dark fragments and they were going to make me strong... uncontrollably strong... and I laughed a terrible laugh into the darkness.

Square Enix Token!!!

So some good news today, I finally got my SE Security Token! It pretty much makes any attempt at accessing my account impossible because it requires about 3 passwords to get into: My account password, My SE Security Account password, and my SE Token password! Here is how it works:

My password I use every day to access FFXI is the same, but I can save that so I don't have to keep punching it in and now I have a little key chain thingy that gives me a one-time password to enter instead of my usual one. And since the password is randomly generated, that means only I can get into it!

Now if someone wanted to get into my account they would have to change the setting of my SE Management Account to deactivate my SE token... but that's another password they'll have to discover! lol I has so many passwords...

But in the end it was all really for my brand new moogle satchel... and it was so worth it ;D 55 extra slots for items is a must have! And I can expand it later! OMG... so cool!

The Breaking Wave of Summer

Summer is almost done people... and I'm not just saying that it is to be annoying. Seriously, there just isn't any summer left. And the funny part is the nice weather JUST started to come around.

I figure summer is almost over because on Thursday I am going to Florida to stay with a friend for 5 days, then I'm back for about 2 weeks of work, then I go away again to New Hampshire for a full week+ of camping adventures, then another ~2 weeks later... BAM school happens.

I still haven't even found out who our fifth person is in the new apartment style dorm we have this year. We each get our own rooms, but still... I would like to know who I'm dealing with!!! But it doesn't really matter at the moment anyways cause we out number this new guy 4-1 and who's to say he won't be a cool guy?

So I want to say I'm sorry I haven't been posting. I've been dealing with a lot of things inside my head for a long time and I haven't had a lot of time to think. I STILL DON'T but I am trying to meditate more often and relax.

I'm thinking of going to the book store for a book on opening Chakras, cause I'm thinking I got at least one of those blocked somehow. My normal meditation means aren't working as well as they use to.

According to an online evaluation my Root and Crown Chakras are not functioning well at all. Especially the Root one... the Chakra that "is about being physically there and feeling at home in situations." Go figure.

So I'm going to go to work soon and I got to get ready. Hopefully everything works out in the end. I'll update again as soon as I can about my spiritual journey into my Chakras. Maybe my spiritual journey should be blogged into a new blog?

Escapism: MY DRUG

Here is a list of things that I've been doing to keep my mind off things...

FFXI, DnD, Neverwinter Nights 2, Magic the Gathering, The Sims 3, GTA 4, Fable 2, Maple Story, Tetra Master, Diablo 2.

Then there are torrents which include...

500+ GB worth of movies, games, books, and other illegal software... half of which I haven't touched or even bothered to crack yet.

And to make things worse I'm actually thinking of going back to World of Warcraft... I MUST be depressed... or have no life... or both.

Modifications...

Modified my blog again... maybe I'll do it one more time... not sure yet. I'm trying to get a new feel going here! It takes time! Unfortunately, I am not computer-code savy and basically live off the premade templates. Hopefully I'll stick with one I like...

The Universe's Long, Boney Finger

I've been away for a long time because I've been fighting depression and trying my best to move on with things... but of course the universe has to play with me a little longer.

I found out yesterday morning that a close family friend of mine, Kim Vanderlann, committed suicide this past Friday. She was the mother of two kids I've spent a lot of time with and we were close. She leaves behind her children and her husband with whom she was separated with. I hadn't seen her for about a year and only saw her briefly at my father's funeral and talked with her for a few minutes a couple of weeks ago when I was with the kids.

So now the wake is Tuesday and the funeral Friday. My brain is in lock down mode officially. I tried hard with my father's passing to keep the turtle out of his shell, but this time I can't stop it. I don't want to talk about it.

So now I am taking another hiatus? I don't know. I'm very sad and when you're sad it is hard to write. And even when I do write it comes out to be more sadness. Why spread that?

We will see what mental state I'm in after these next few events and then I'll figure things out.

I need an extended vacation :-( can I book one of those?

Taking a Break...

I've had a rough week or so. I haven't been posting but I will soon! Please forgive me!

New FFXIV info:

So I've been way to excited about this new announcement. To be honest, his was my whole hope that this was going to be announced at E3. Anything else is just icing on the cake!

Here everything we know about FFXIV (found off another website forum):

*Confirmed for PS3 and PC. They are currently considering other platforms like "Microsoft Hardware" but nothing has been decided.

*There will be no character transfers from FFXI to FFXIV, but you will be able to transfer your Friends List.

*POL will not be used.

*Races will be "similar" to the ones in FFXI.

*There will be a "job system" but this is undefined and will be different from FFXI.

*FFXI (Vana'diel) and FFXIV (Eorzea) are completely different game worlds, there is no relation.

*FFXI will not be canceled with the release of FFXIV. There is another year of content for FFXI planned currently. You will be able to play both FFXI and FFXIV at the same time.

*FFXIV will be a bit "more casual", whatever the fuck that means.

*FFXIV will have solo content. Battles will range from many vs. many to many vs. one. Again, whatever the fuck that means.

*There will be a simultaneous worldwide release, with English, Japanese, German and French language versions at launch (Now if they could just do that with all of their freaking games, LOL). No plans for Spanish in the short-term.

*The trailer had both CGI and in-game rendering. No confirmation of any in-game combat or actual in-game content.

*Job system will be "fairly different" from FFXI. "The player can grow & develop in a more natural way without putting too much weight on the player."

*Content will range from solo to what very large groups, and range from casual to hardcore.

*There is absolutely no concrete information about the Beta.

*No pricing structure has been decided.


I read the live blog feed of the panel about FFXIV and they said that the reason the characters look similar is because it gives players from FFXI a similar feel to the type of character they want to play. So I expect TaruTaru, Mithra, Galka, Elvaan, and Hume races returning with a new name or something.

What race should I start as? What job should I start as? All these questions are things I need to consider over the next year as more info about FFXIV is released!

(and I hope they give FFXI users a chance at FFXIV beta before other people!)

OMFG IT IS HERE!!!

I have been waiting for so long...

and here it is!!!!!

http://na.finalfantasyxiv.com/

FFXIV Online... OMG!!!

It will start on the PS3 and like FFXI will move to PC as well.

I can't wait!!!

Another Blog?

I am considering making a new blog. I usually get this feeling every one to two years, but I just feel like if I do I would want it to be something different from this one.

What should I do?

I was thinking doing a daily blog about my life and recent happenings but would that be too much like a bitchy LJ? I don't want bitchy LJ if no one wants that either.

Like Claws Creeping Up

I am getting depressed again.

Or maybe I am depressed.

I don't enjoy things I use to. I am always tired. I am always disgruntled. I am moody. I am irritable. I am unpleasant. I am sad. Always sad. I don't like to be alone. I feel angry. I am never satisfied.

And yet despite that, I am somehow happy. I look forward to each day. I am in love. I am loved. There is nothing wrong.

I don't know why I am sad. I am just sad. I have been depressed before, and I know what it feels like to be gripped by it's cold claws. It feels like something... like a dementor is stalking me. Stealing my happiness.

I am sure it has something to do with my father's passing.

But I am just sad. It isn't that I think about it. I try to move on. Acting like nothing ever happened. I don't dwell on it. I accept it. I can't change it. It will always be there. I don't want to think about it... if I can help it.

And sometimes I do think about it. It isn't bad. Just another memory surfacing like a balloon held under water. Sometimes I am afraid I will forget them all, but I know I can't. Not now at least.

And I don't dream dreams anymore. If I do dream, I dream nightmares. Terrible things. Always loss. Always fear. Always alone.

And I am always afraid. I am afraid of loss.